Greetings,

I am first time poster after coming across Marriage Builders a year ago when I really started having strong leanings towards ending my almost six year marriage. I am still trying to get a grasp on a lot of concepts shared here--boy it is a lot of read and take in--and hope that together with intensive marriage counseling, self reflection, and the concepts offered here things can get back on track.

I am posting here today because recently my wife changed her hairstyle and I think it is hideous and unbecoming. I was never to stuck on her appearance, love her independence, and firmly believe that a person should be able to do with their body as they please. However, I just can't get past her recent hair-do, when I look at it makes me twist-up in my stomach.

If the roles were reversed (and they have been) my wife would not hesitate to tell me. But I feel I can't because while she puts on a "strong and independent" facade she is a very emotionally fragile person. In addition, she can sometimes be very self-centered and emotionally selfish person. Notably, it has become apparent to me that she believe she is entitled to her feelings/emotions/opinions but I am not entitled to mine.

Any ideas?

Btw, Thanks you for allowing me to join this online community and I hope that I can learn a great deal from the information and experiences that are shared.

Respectfully,

Goalkeeper

P.S.

To provide some background:
My spouse and I are in our early 30s, have no kids, have had no infidelity (that I am aware of/suspect) and have been together since meeting in collage.

We are both working professionals but come from completely different backgrounds (she had wealthier parents that took care of her until she completed school and we got married, I have worked since age 12, had to pay my way through school, and are helping to support several family members.) She is more in touch with her emotions, a social butterfly, and seeks out pleasure. I am a logical no-BS type of person. Despite that, the reason I choose to be with her was due to her pleasant/positive nature and independence. And she has told me that I am one of the most caring and dedicated people she has known.

Despite that, we have been in a "Cold War" within the past two years. She feels that I am emotionally distant, mean-spirited, judgmental,and controlling. I feels that she is selfish, immature, self-absorbed, and puts social validation/status above all else.

We have recently entered marriage counseling and while it has helped some, I still can't help but feel the urge to file for separation at times.

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Thanks again for taking the time to read my first posts and I look forward to any experience, insight, or opinions you may have on the matter.

Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts contain the Policy of Radical Honesty, which I'm sure you've seen. But you should know that the exception to the Policy of Radical Honesty is that you shouldn't air thoughts you have that are disrespectful. So, for example, you should not say that you think your wife's hair is "hideous." Name calling is disrespectful. In general any sort of hyperbole is likely to be perceived as disrespect.

Instead, say "I liked your hair better before. I don't really like this. How would you feel about changing it back, or looking for something new together?"

Well, you are. You've already been disrespectful to your wife several times in just two posts. But this is the way most men are when they arrive here! Most of us who get here are nearly incapable of recognizing disrespect and learning to eliminate it.

You can turn this marriage around if you will put a major high priority on learning to recognize and eliminate disrespectful judgments. You can not turn this marriage around if you spend all your time saying that she is the problem (which is what a lot of us men do when we get here, I'm afraid).

I would strongly encourage you to get Dr. Harley's book Love Busters and read through the first five chapters over and over again until you are able to eliminate everything you do or say that your wife feels is demanding, disrespectful, or angry. This is basically the first thing you need to do before your marriage can have any improvement. Most women will not be motivated to work on the marriage at all until those things are eliminated and have been eliminated for a while.

I would also strongly encourage you to become a regular listener of Dr. Harley's daily radio show. This is the education and encouragement that enabled me to turn my marriage around. It took A LOT. I was a major piece of work, very controlling, very disrespectful, and totally incapable of seeing that I was doing any of this. Just about everything I said about my wife was disrespectful and judgmental. My emotional needs were not being met at all and we fought all the time.

Today we are head over heels in love and thrilled beyond belief at the life we lead together. But that only came through lots of education and learning new habits.


All of that stuff is disrespectful judgments toward your wife. When you use namecalling, labels, value judgments, you are being disrespectful.


I would imagine she feels the same way, often, when you are disrespectful toward her. If you want to get your wife on board with building a marriage that will make you happy, you're going to need to learn to talk about the issues without being disrespectful. Don't make lists of character flaws you see in her or anything that even looks like that. Don't judge her for what she wants or needs.

Is your W aware of MB?

Have you done any checking up to see if there is another man in her life? The fact that she changed her hairstyle is a small red flag that she may be changing it for somebody besides you.

To follow the Marriage Builders plan, you have to address things on two fronts - 1) if there is someone else, you need to find out about it, so you need to investigate and get close enough to her that she couldn't possibly have a male friend without you knowing, and 2) you need to learn to make love bank deposits and avoid love bank withdrawals. Neither of these two things can be left out. If you do, it won't work.

Here is an article Dr. Harley has written about checking up on your spouse:

Snooping: Is it wrong? Or, is it the right thing to do in marriage?

Okay, there's a disrespectful judgment about your wife in this statement. Any time you start talking as if you can read your wife's mind, you are being disrespectful. Instead of condemning her beliefs (she would probably disagree with you and say that she does not believe that you are not entitled to your feelings), describe her behavior and describe the effect it has on you (it bothers you).

A couple of example conversations:
You: It's a very beautiful day.
Her: Are you stupid? It's raining and dark and cold.
Instead of commenting on her unseen inner beliefs ("you don't believe I'm entitled to my opinion"), comment on her disrespectful behavior here and how it made you feel:
You: When you call me stupid, I feel disrespected.

It takes time, but eventually this does get through, as long as you are following the rest of the Marriage Builders plan and your balance is rising in your account in her love bank.

Example 2:
Her: I'd like to go to the antique stores more often.
You: The antique stores are the biggest waste of time I've ever seen.
Her: Why do you always have to argue with everything I say?

This example is the other way around and here the problem is not that she doesn't feel you are entitled to your opinion; here the problem is that you were expressing your opinion disrespectfully. The way to prevent hearing her be upset at your opinion here is to learn to filter the disrespect out of your opinion:
Her: I'd like to go to the antique stores more often.
You: I have just never really been able to have fun at the antique stores. I might be willing to give it one more shot with you, but I would really like to find some other things to do together that we would both love. How would you feel about checking out that museum we used to talk about going to?

Do you guys have any kids? Any kids from previous relationships/marriages?

Have either of you been married before?

Yes - it is a major amount of information, and it is difficult to grasp it all at once without a lot of repetition and help, as well as seeing the concepts applied in other people's situations where you are not so emotionally invested.

In 2010 I was counseled/coached by Steve Harley, Dr. Harley's son, for awhile, and one of the things he told me to do was to embark on a program of education about Marriage Builders, to learn everything I could and to get lots of repetition to give my brain every chance to firmly absorb the logic of the program. He said that what I needed was to have that logic very firmly ingrained into me so that in the heat of the moment when I got emotional I would be able to override my emotions with logic and stick to the plan that would save our relationship.

Boy he was right! Thankfully the Marriage Builders Radio show started up right about that time after a 2 year hiatus. It has been the best thing that ever happened to us. I would suggest that if your marriage is in crisis, you cannot afford to miss the opportunity that radio show provides. The best way to learn this information is to have its author, Dr. Harley, explain it to you directly, in that show.

It's free and you can listen on your computer or download the app to listen on your phone or tablet.