Please consider telling your children the truth. Children are much smarter than we give them credit.

Will your WW write a NC letter and change all her contact information?

An immediate issue I'm having is not being able to eat or sleep. I'm really trying, but I'm not able to do either one. I'm sure this is common, just like it is for any emotional trauma.

I can't say for sure if she would do that, but right now I feel like she would.

And I have trouble with the exposure part on the guy's side. I don't think he's the most stable person on the planet, and I could see that as antagonizing and I don't want to have to worry about safety for my family on top of everything else I'm going through. Does that make sense?

A 6 year old can understand "Mommy has a boyfriend, and married people are not supposed to have boyfriends. It hurts Daddy terribly."

I do not believe they have gone 6 months without getting physical. A WW could be happy with that, but an OM is not going to stick around that long unless he is getting something. Emotional Affairs DO exist, but from what I've seen they are only emotional when either the affair is fairly new, or a great distance separates the affair partners (such as an online affair).

All that to say, accept now that it was very likely physical.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Will you get the book Surviving an Affair and start reading it? You can purchase it on Amazon.com and download it today.

How much stock do you put into the "once a cheater, always a cheater" theory??

It might sound delusional given the circumstances, but I would bet my life that this is the first time in our 10 year marriage that she has ever done something like this.

But trying to think about next steps, part of me definitely feels like if she did this to me once, she'll just do it again somewhere down the road, which is incredible for me to even type because I can't believe it happened this time.

None at all. There are circumstances in which we would all have affairs, and there are circumstances in which none of us ever would (including your wife). If you are going to recover, you would be need to put Extraordinary Precautions in place which would make another affair impossible.

Yes, unfortunately it is and Dr. Harley recommends to get on some anti-depressants during this time. Contact your doctor to get some ADs.

Can you get the book SAA?

Also, have her write this NC letter and you send it to OM now, especially since she says she will.
Coping with Infidelity: the end


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

SAA is only $11.49 on Amazon right now. You can download it and start reading it now.

I'm definitely going to buy the book tonight. Right now though, this interactive way of venting is helping me more than reading a book. I will absolutely take your suggestion though.

Have you decided to tell your children?

Have you been able to find out information on OM to expose on his side? If you're thinking the OM will be unstable an even bigger reason to protect your family and expose him.

You have his name, correct? Have you looked for him on Facebook? You have his number, correct?

If you are going to choose recovery, then there is a very specific path you must follow. It is a narrow path, and any deviations from it will end in disaster.

One of the things that must be done is to expose to children over the age of 4. Such an exposure is therapeutic to your marriage, and will aide in affair proofing your marriage in the future.

OM are cowards, and most will slink away if exposed for what they are doing. If he doesn't, you can always get a restraining order.

But he won't go away if you don't expose him.

I'm not trying to doubt you, but I think this is a really hard "rule of thumb" without taking into account the individual children's personalities and levels of development.

Hi AMM, welcome to Marriage Builders. The advise to expose to children comes from Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. It is simply a true fact that It harms children to lie about the source of tension in their family. Lies and illusions about the problems in your family don't make your children happy or secure. It makes them confused and insecure. They often conclude they are the problem and when they eventually find out the truth, they learn that dishonesty is acceptable in certain situations.

It helps no one to hide this from your children, not them, your wife or you. It is better to tell them the truth so they are not confused and so you can reassure them and give them moral guidance.

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

Quote:
The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.

An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.
here

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Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
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A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.

When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.



Quote:
The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight.
here

Quote:
2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)

Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).
here

Quote:
My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.

The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.

The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).

Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.

It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.

Our sex life during this time was as normal, I should say good as it ever has been. I thought at first that was at least a good sign, but the more I'm reading about all of this, I guess not.