Women with young children are very attractive targets for child molesters. These women are often vulnerable to a man showing interest in her, and are overly trusting.

Children who are sexually abused are often abused by Mom's Boyfriend, and she may not even know about it.

You won't know if POSOM has preyed on your children or not unless you talk to them.

Also, get tested for STDs. You never know what that man may have given you.

Of biological fathers who are charged with abuse, 7% sexually molested their children.

Of Mom's boyfriends who are charged with abuse, 20% sexually molested the children.

And that's only those who are charged.

You do not know what this man has done. You DO know that he is a scumbag that has torn your marriage to shreds. He is no saint, and it's very possible he has done more than you want to imagine.

Talk to your precious kids. You simply will not know until you expose this affair to them.

Male Perpetrators of Child Maltreatment (see TABLE 3)

She's at her mom's house with the kids right now, but coming home today She said that she needs time to "think about what she has done to me and why she did it." She's definitely at least showing a lot of remorse or regret. It might be more regret.

How would you respond to her saying she needs time to "think about what she has done to me and why she did it." The tired, worn out me, also reads this as "I need time to think about whether or not I'm going to end this affair."

She's saying that a huge part of this is that she knows deep down that I will never trust her again and she can't handle the thought of that. Yes, this is her fault for that.

She said she would feel the same way if the roles were reversed. She swears that all contact and communication are now done, but what else could she possibly say at this point? Before this all got exposed on Friday, I was supposed to take the two oldest kids to a tubing place later today. I'm guessing that having ridiculous paranoia about her being here without me is normal?

I told myself last night that I would somehow get the strength today to not disappoint my boys and take them tubing. I haven't slept/eaten in two days, and the thought of taking them today seems impossible now. I know it would probably be good for me, but it feels daunting right now.

Should I tell all of my close friends that don't already know? I mean I've had a couple friends call me this weekend that don't already know, and I don't know how I could possibly act normal on the phone, so I've ignored the calls.

Some of my friends know and have reached out to help. I haven't been able to answer those calls either.

She's saying that she is absolutely done with him (of course she has to say that no matter what at this point) and wants to try and make the marriage work, but she's very unsure that it's possible because she doesn't think I have the personality to ever be able to trust her again. She's probably right, but the love for my kids could help me try.

How can you ever actually get to the root of the problem of why this happened though? I mean he definitely initiated the communication on Facebook, but she took the bait. Seems like it could be impossible to ever figure out why she did that.

AMM
You are all over the map. You are not answering the questions. People can't advise you unless you give all the info.
All the things you wayward is saying, is EXACTLY what all waywards say. Especially if they want to continue the adultery. Your wife is acting just like all typical waywards, with the i need space, i don't know how you will trust me, etc, etc. All fog babble!!!!! No way an addict puts away the addiction that fast and just drops all contact.

These things are repeated time and again on this forum.

Have you exposed to the kids(in an age appropriate way), to the POSOM side of the family, friends, Facebook to run him off? If not, then you are not serious about rebuilding,

Has she agreed to change email, phone number, take down Facebook, all the other extraordinary precautions? If not, then she is not serious about rebuilding.
If the town is as small as you say, you will probably need to move to avoid all triggers.

You must have a plan.

To be clear, she hasn't been giving me any excuses about why she did this. She keeps saying that she is truly trying to figure out how it all happened. The me being too controlling and talking down to her were things that we fought about a lot. I know you can never blame yourself for a spouse cheating, but if I'm being honest with myself, I never properly listened and addressed those feelings she constantly spoke to me about.

The best things for your kids is for you to stay home and work this out with your wife. Your marriage is the most important thing in their lives, not a tubing event. Tell the kids what has happened and explain why you have to cancel this. You are devastated and you need to work on solutions with your wife.

And I know why the affair happened: your wife has poor boundaries around men. Fix that using this program and your marriage will be affair proofed.

If she is worried about being trusted again - and that is a good thing - then you can show her how that can be done.

I would also plan on moving out your neighborhood, as far away from the OM friends' and the OM as possible. Otherwise, he will keep showing up.

That is great. But all those marriage problems can be addressed once you kill the affair and affair proof your marriage.

Because she has poor boundaries. Affairs are caused by opposite sex friendships. She had an opposite sex friendship and you can see the result.

I really need you to stop dithering around and get this under control. Tell her you will give her a chance to earn your trust back, but first she must end affair by agreeing to send a no contact letter you write together and send to the OM. Ask her to commit to the things on this list:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Expose to your kids today!! Without her presence. Your kids have a right and a need to know what is happening to their family. Don't cause more confusion by giving them false explanations for the source of tension in your home. Your kids are vulnerable to the fallout of affair if you don't tell them the truth. That gives your wife the opportunity to lie to them and to bring the OM around.

I'm definitely hoping that she will read some stuff on here too today. What should I have her start with??

Two more questions and then I'm taking a break from posting. I will absolutely be reading your responses though and thank you so much to everyone!!!

1.) What do I make of the fact that she was ok being seen in public with him? He lives in a small town only 10 minutes away, and now that all of this has come out, I'm already hearing that people saw them on walks together, at a restaurant, and at a HS football game. I know I'm probably reading into things too much, but what would that mean to you? I'm floored that she would be that brave!

2.) She'll be home in a few minutes and there's a ton of info in this thread to dig through. Based on everything I've told you, what are a list of questions you would be asking today?? I feel like I don't even know where to start.

Thanks again to everyone.

Did you see this post?

Do not bring your WW here to MB yet.

Have you told your children?

Have you exposed on OM's side yet?

Do not have her come to the site any time soon.
Don't even tell her about it for now.

She is not in the right state of mind at this juncture.

This site will be YOUR guide to how to get her there, and even that is not a guarantee.

YOU must read the info on this site (basic concepts) and
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659680#Post1659680

and

prepare for the emotional ride of your life.

Hang on tight and be brave and be smart not impulsive and follow your emotions. You need strategy and that is what Marriage Builders will give YOU.

It's totally appropriate to grill my neighbor about everything else he knows, correct? I mean I know it's appropriate, but would you be doing that right now?? I'm just afraid that it will turn into an argument because I'm so pissed he didn't tell me. He and his wife did confront her 2 months ago and she didn't stop. I think that says a lot.

This isn't meant to start controversy, but I'm wondering what you would do? I absolutely need to see counselor in the morning. Does the gender of the counselor have any impact on how helpful it might be? I know this would vary for different people, but a big part of me feels like a male counselor would be better given the circumstances. Over thinking it?