Good advice up there ^^^^
If you call a women's shelter they can help you see your way through financially. They can also connect you with emotional support through the process of figuring this out which is probably the most important thing right now. Just call right away and see how they can help, and be honest and direct about your situation. They can't help you until they know.
They can usually offer you free legal advice to get started and help make sure you retain custody of your children.

Depending on your state or country just your word of the threat of violence is enough to get the police involved. At least make a report. Again, a shelter is a great place to get info on your local laws. They help mothers in your shoes every day.

Your husband is angry and unsafe. Dr Harley is very clear in the advice he gives that you must take action to protect yourself and the kids IMMEDIATELY. Once you have safety in place you can think about whether you want to end it or not and figure out what comes next.

You start by changing the locks.

OP should consult a DV shelter and legal advice too. She is not married to him, so she may need to deal with different steps to separate. She said she is financially Dependant but depending on local law, the type of support (if any) might vary.

I cried myself to sleep last night. This morning he came in the room to talk. He confessed that he has been seeing "a friend to talk to" but that he also has desires to get physically intimate with her. He says nothing physical has happened.

He then starts justifying his "emotional affair" by saying that I am hard to live with etc.

I have a confession myself to make to you guys reading this. I had an short term affair over two years ago but have been honest with him about it and he "forgave" me at the time. We soon had our little guy who is 11 months old.

He says because I cheated on him, he cannot forgive me. That he tried to forgive me, but he can't get it out of his head.

He said that he is yearning to be a free man. He feels trapped right now. He was basically asking me to allow an "open relationship".

He says he is confused about what to do. On one hand, he still loves me but feels like we are only roommates.

He wants to continue to live with me and be here for the kids. He wants to pretend that everything is hunky dory. He also used the fact that I am financially dependent on him. I do have a good career. I am a registered nurse. But I don't know how to handle my money. I am kind of in a financial hole right now.

I told him I will be completely honest with our older son about what is going on. He is 15 years old. I refuse to live a lie.

I told him I was willing to work on the relationship with him if he was going to cut off all contact with " her", attend marriage counseling with me, and be completely transparent with me. I made it clear that I don't want him to have any female friend contacts.
He thinks I am asking for too much and too demanding.

He laughed at me for thinking that having female friends "is a crime" and he still won't take onus for his actions. He doesn't think an emotional affair is an affair (I don't buy that it was strictly an emotional affair).

I have been suspecting who the other woman was, since she lives in the building that the GPS tracker showed he had been going to. He confirmed that it was her. I don't know exactly which apartment it is though and he refuses to give anymore details about "her".

I am going to start counseling for myself to help me get through this and help me move on, since we have been together for 19 years.

Denise,

Are you interested in Marriage Builders or are you blogging?

Let us know, so we can stop responding if you are going to ignore our posts anyways.

Alis, That was harsh. But I think I needed that. I am not ignoring the responses. I just wanted you to see the whole situation. I will find a woman's shelter to discuss financial help. I will also be going to counseling.

I am finding it hard to see that there is reason to change the locks and call the cops. He was angry at that moment, which is a common reaction when they are being confronted. And he didn't actually physically hurt me. Maybe I don't know what a loving relationship is.

I thank you all for your advice and I will reread and really take in consideration what was said.

Denise,

Think of it like a good friend shaking your shoulders to get you to snap out of it.

I get that you are devestated, 19 years is a very long time, but you need to be strategic here.

Separating from this man is very wise - get in touch with the DV shelter. You should also seek legal advice as you were not married, it is important.

I don't think it is necessary to call the police either at this point, but your call.

I would bet that he is clearly a long-term renter (read buyers, renters, freeloaders) who never fully committed, with one foot always out the door. You DO deserve a man who will commit, marry, and not expect you to settle 19 years without marriage.

But its up to you to demand that.

Contact legal counsel asap.

Thanks for this. You are absolutely right.

You don't need a reason TO change the locks, you need a reason not to.

The relationship is disrespectful and non committal. He's cheating on you and admits window shopping at least.

You don't welcome his key in the lock so change it. Send his stuff on and see a lawyer.

But as it happens even in the happiest relationship if threats of violence were made I'd not only get locks changed but an RO too.

Cheated on his first wife, married the mistress. Affairages don't last when the excitement fades.

Often when people have affairs they become addicted to them. It's far easier to cheat and have multi partners when you're not married.