Hello all, I could desperately use some advice from some level headed people, I don't have anyone to talk to except my mother. I just discovered tonight that two years ago my husband started talking to a guy he worked with and sometime between then and now things crossed a line and they've began exchanging nude pics of each other and my husband offered him oral sex. He also told this man some unkind things about me and offered to send him pictures of me if he had any interest in women. The last messages between them occurred exactly one month ago today. We talked about it when he came home tonight and he swears he hasn't seen this guy or any other guy or gal and that there isn't an affair and has never been one.

Some background: June would be our 11th anniversary, we have a child in elementary school, he had a heart attack in 2013, and I struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life. 2013 was a bad year for us, my depression brought me to a whole new low and effected our relationship pretty heavily. I went to the doctor in early 2014 and got on medication and things gradually improved, and everything seemed fine.

He says my depression and his heart attack drove him to do it, though the sexual messages didn't start until 2014 and they continued til last month, a time when things were supposedly good for us.

I'm so confused and heartbroken about all of this. I didn't even know he was into men like that. My mom is pushing me to file for divorce, pack some clothes for me and my daughter, and move in with her tomorrow. I feel overwhelmed and not sure what to do. Advice please?

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. The boards are quiet on Sunday night but get very active with experienced posters on Monday mornings. Hang in there and know that you are in the best place to get help and solutions.

Good morning, schnln:
I am so sorry you are going through this traumatic situation. I am not a regular poster in here, but I've been a long time reader of MB.
First, above all else, including your marriage, is the safety of you and your daughter. Your husband very likely has met up with the other guy. Oral sex still provides ample opportunity for the transmission of STDs, including HIV. Please get tested for STDs ASAP! Second, besides talking badly about you, your husband offering you up to another man as though you are nothing more than property is not only horrible judgement on your husband's part, but downright scary. What if the guy took your husband up on the offer? What would happen if you absolutely refused? What about your daughter? Anyone willing to put the welfare of mother of his child on the line won't think twice to risk the same with his daughter. The strange man obviously has zero morals, as he is involved with a married man, and considering the type of materials and subject matter being exchanged, he is also a deranged individual. Neither your husband or that strange man have any boundaries.
In other cases, saving the marriage would be paramount, but your and your daughter's lives could be very well on the line. Betrayed wives have been told to not leave their marital home: your marital home IS NOT SAFE for you and your daughter. Even if locks are changed, he will have a way of getting in if he wanted to. It is likely the other man knows where you live, and since you cannot depend on your husband to protect you, as he literally offered you up to him, especially without your knowledge, the idea of him recruiting the other man in anger- the thought of the two of them overpowering you- is horrific. You cannot speak to the mind of your husband, only to plan for worst-case scenario.
All this being said, do not believe a single word your husband says. Waywards have a way of minimalizing their transgressions, believing their betrayed spouse is too stupid or ignorant to know otherwise. For safety's sake, please take your mother up on her offer to let you and your daughter move in with her. Collect important documents, get passwords, access to anything of importance- do this ASAP!

I'm definitely stopping by the doctor's today to be tested. He obviously made his sexual offer verbally, either in person or on the phone because the guy commented on how confident he sounded.

To be clear, he only offered him nude pictures of me, not access to me. He already knew how I'd react if he suggested bringing another person in to our marriage. I think it was more of a revenge porn thing, he was unhappy with me and our relationship and he knew how devastated I would be if pictures like that made in to someone else's hands. Which is still very horrible but not as bad as trying to pimp me out.

He's gone to stay with his parents for now. He says he doesn't have anything to think about and wants to be together, but I certainly have a lot to process and think about. My daughter and I have both stayed home today and have planned to just have some fun together.

Welcome to MB.

Dr Harley gives the same advice for same sex affairs as he does for opposite sex affairs. The only difference is that same sex affairs are more easily busted up. And this IS an affair.

Who have you told about the A so far? Dr Harley recommends a full exposure, to your families and friends, to the OM's family and friends, and even to your child. Affairs are a traumatic event that happen to your entire family, and children should know the cause of it.

Is the OM married?

Please go to the "start here first" thread and read the link for Exposure 101. We can help you put together a comprehensive exposure plan that will work to kill this affair and give you the best chance possible at saving your marriage.

I've told my mom, we were on the phone together as I discovered the evidence. I've told my daughter that he did something bad that hurt me a lot, but that's as far as I went with her. Haven't told anyone else so far.

Edit: No, I don't think he's married. He seems to be a single guy and dating exclusively men on and off.

Schnln:
You are making excuses for your WW. He betrayed your trust by sharing intimate pictures of you without your knowledge or consent, AND for essentially soliciting you to his affair partner, a creepy stranger. You have no idea what frame of mind your husband or the other guy was/is in. But make no mistake, your WW will be restoring contact (if, by chance they did cease communication), and will likely meet up now that he's not under the marital roof. Just because you don't see more recent texts doesn't mean they are not communicating via other methods, whether from work, the Internet or a burner cell. Never discount the lengths WWs go to conceal their affairs and betrayal. The thought of him seeking out another AP, even a casual encounter with a new person, isn't farfetched. For your personal knowledge, has your husband addressed why he sought out another man with which to have an affair? He could have been carrying on these trysts for a while before you caught on to this latest one- seldom are affairs a one-and-done activity.
Your WW blaming your depression and his heart attack is typical excuse making of waywards. In no way are you to blame for his indescretions. We are all individually accountable for our behavior, and how we react to stressors speaks to the strength of our character.
Speaking of characters: Your husband's AP is still lurking. Find out his name, and any other information about him, whether criminal, employment, credit, his family, friends and social networking. The guy is bad news, and if he's willing to mess around with a married man with a child, be rest assured the guy is a certifiable creep.
If you want to save your marriage, by all means, but please take the necessary steps now to protect your daughter and yourself from any kind of harm. You may think I'm jumping to conclusions, but considering I rarely respond to posts, yours sent up a huge, commercial-sized red flag.

That's a very scary and vague thing to tell your daughter! You need to expose properly, using the advice here on exposing to children.

You need to be particularly encouraging, open and honest because she could be in danger from pornographic and physical abuse. It's very important in this situation.

Whoa now. My husband has his flaws but he is absolutely not abusive in anyway. Nothing I said even hints at such a thing, you guys are jumping to some wild theories. I asked for level-headed advice, not wild conspiracy theories.

I knew he was bisexual when we started dating, but he'd phrased it as something he'd experimented with in the past. I just didn't know he was still actively lusting after men.

There is zero evidence that he ever sent pictures of me to anyone or that he's had any physical contact with anyone. It is possible, but let's address his known transgressions and not the currently only imagined ones.

Did you read the Exposure 101 thread? Telling your mother is a start, but certainly not an end.

It doesn't matter what sexual orientation your spouse is, he is having his needs met by someone outside of your marriage and is in an affair. There does not need to be sex involved for it to be considered an affair. The plan for exposure and subsequently affair proofing your marriage applies whether he is in an affair with another man or woman.

The first step you need to take is to kill the affair. Exposure is your best chance at that. Please go read the Exposure 101 thread and come back here with questions.

This is his 'known' transgression. He has been having an affair for 2 years with another man. That is an entrenched relationship and one that you need to expose. This will garner support for you and provide him with some accountability for his ongoing actions.

How do you know this? What snooping methods do you have in place?

You CANNOT rely on the word of a wayward spouse. He can 'swear' all he wants to, it does not make it true. All people involved in an affair lie, that is how they carry on their A. With a relationship that is entrenched enough to last for 2 years, he has worked very hard to cover it up by lying, do not expect him to come forward with the full truth now.

You need to ask him to write a No Contact letter to his AP, there is a template here on this site. He would need to change all of his contact information to make sure the AP cannot contact him in the future. You also need to have snooping methods in place to make sure the A and all communication has ended.

Nothing 'drove' him to have an affair. It is very possible that you were not meeting all of his needs while you were in a depression, but it is likely that he was not meeting yours either due to his health issues. Yet you were not 'driven' to have an affair were you?

He had an affair because he has poor boundaries around other people. He will have another one if these boundaries do not change.

Nataly you need to start your own thread. We can help you. Email the mods and ask them to move your posting. Sorry that you are going through all this.

Am new at this so I have no clue how it works ugh

Nataly, go here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2846860#Post2846860

I went through his email and Facebook messages, which seems to be where the majority of it took place. Nothing in the messages seems to imply that they ever actually met up in person. He reminded him of his offer, so it doesn't seem that OM took him up on it. Unfortunately we got new phones back in January, so any texts or voicemails are long gone.

Of course it isn't proof one way or the other. I've messaged the OM to see if he would give up any information, but no response so far. Might try emailing him as well or maybe calling him, I think the messages I saved have that info in them. Not much hope on him being forthcoming though.

Husband has come home and offered to provide me with access to all his accounts and his phone to start rebuilding trust. I've also installed a key logger program on his PC while he was gone, to make sure I do have access to everything, but he is very computer savvy and he or one of his antivirus or anti-spyware programs are going to discover it at some point and remove it. Maybe I shouldn't have let him back so soon? But having him here makes it easier to keep an eye on him.

Having him home is fine as long as he ends his secret second life. There is a checklist we can give you of things he should be doing.

That's not what I meant, I don't see any red flags that he himself is abusive.

All affairs are addictions and your H will not be himself while indulging in it. That's why the offer of pictures of you - not his normal personality I'd suspect.

Your daughter may have been exposed to other men or she may be in the future. Exposing to her won't make her love him less. He's her father, that's impossible. But she should know what's been happening or she will get the idea that secrets are OK.

Exposing to children is also important for many other reasons.