He is gaslighting you. This is blameshifting.

There is no "we" there.

YOU were here posting two years ago, willing and ready to do what you needed to do to transform your marriage.

HE was not here. HE was the one who did not do what it takes.

The problem was not that YOU needed to do more, and it's terrible that he would suggest such a thing. The problem is that right now he is all talk and no action.

Go to Plan B to save yourself from this slow painful death. Maybe it will light a fire under his butt to get him motivated, but if not, it will at least save you from this.

If I go to Plan B it will be paired with Plan D. If it happens to light a fire under his butt, which I highly doubt, it would not matter to me anymore because I will have moved on.

It is hard to take that action. Much harder now than it was when I was in a state of conflict and hated him, thats for sure.

I am unhappy with my marriage, but I am not unhappy with my life. My life outside of marriage is actually quite enjoyable. Being in withdrawal allows me to escape there, and not care about my marriage so much.

I don't need any responses because I am feeling that this post on love busting is just wasting everybody's time now. Our marriage is not a priority to H and that has been clear to everyone who has ever followed anything I have written. It is my decision if I stay married in that scenario or not. I know I should *not* and I am settling for crumbs. I know I should just file and be done with this. But it is hard to take that step just to pursue 'romantic love'. I know a marriage of extraordinary care is the BEST marriage and the MB marriage, and I would love to have it. It is why I have been here for so long, whittling away as Indie says (a very accurate description indeed). But there are many marriages that are not like that. It is not what I want, but it is what I have. Do I walk away from my life, to try and have romantic love or a marriage of extraordinary care with someone else, which may or may not happen anyway? Do I uproot my kids, split up their home, just for the possibility of romantic love? Seems totally selfish. So instead I whittle, and try to make it work.

I hear what you all are saying and I will take it into consideration.

I think this is a good thing actually. If you do move on, you will be a sucess story no matter what. If he does get motivated to work, he will find himself with such high stantards that he will either work his butt off, or let you go. Either way is a winning solution for you.


This is really scary for me to read it is telling me that you are very vulnerable to have an A. Your EN are not being meet.



Can you imagine your daugther coming to you to ask you this. Would you recomend she settles for crumbles just for the sake of a fake-happy-family

And I'm sorry to say, but is totally selfish that you decide to stay just because it is hard to take action.

This was my marriage before the affair. I'd whittle at it every now and then, but nothing got done.

I probably would have recovered with crumbs if not for MB. I thought divorce would be catastrophic.

It's not. I happier than I'd been in years not having to push jelly uphill, to save my marriage any more. It's hard to describe how fun it is to start over again.

I know how different it is with kids, but honestly, my memories of my parents are of a romantic couple. Their example steered me towards MB. I'd be very, very scared of giving kids a non romantic example of marriage.

My mother was always ready to leave if she wasn't queen of his universe. She taught me women should be cherished.

Unwritten

On another thread you mentioned that SF has not progressed much. I am familiar with your story and I also know what it feels like to be rejected repeatedly as a normal drive woman living in a sexless marriage. I thought I was high drive until things normalized. Now I crave it when I am courted, not because of a sense of scarcity or desperation for normalcy.

Things have really turned around for us in this department. So I will share my thoughts. Hope that's okay...


Dr. Harley ALSO talks about how men without a drive need some help. Unless he has another outlet, the root of the problem IS his lack of drive.

Sometimes guys like to blame their partner's imperfections because it doesn't occur to them that they could have a deficiency of man hormones. If a girl doesn't want to make love she assumes its because she's female. If a guy doesn't want to make love, he figures his wife is flawed. How else can a man make sense of it? He knows no difference.

I promise you that as long as lovebusters are eliminated, increasing his drive through hormone replacement will help create the motivation to work on your mutual sexual satisfaction. If he were to live in the shoes of a high drive man for a while, lots of clarity would come. If he's like my man, he would also see will improved health, stamina and memory.

Either he has sexual cravings or he doesn't. If he doesn't, there's a proven way to get them. I would hate to see you settle when solving this problem can bring such a warm, spicy glue to your marriage.

Have you written Dr. Harley recently about this? He might have some suggestions for how to approach things with your husband.

Hi Didn'tQuit,

Thanks for the information. H did at one time have his T levels checked and they were in the normal range. His Dr was not enthusiastic about giving a 37 year old fairly fit healthy looking man testosterone when he was within the normal range. He was not super crazy about having this discussion with his Dr once, so he is reluctant to get any more opinions on that matter.

I do think I have a MUCH higher drive than normal. I call it the curse.

UW