I know I am terrible at DJ's and therefore am trying really hard to make sure I am not telling him how he feels. So yes I am definitely confusing these two. Thanks for pointing this out.

This is what we struggle with. We focus on the UA time, but I do not enjoy it most of the time. I am not in love and therefore every little thing seems to irritate me. So the UA time seems to deplete the love bank more than help it. The more time I spend with him the LESS in love I feel, unless for some reason we have some great UA time which is the exception and not the rule. Which is why I have been working so hard to eliminate LB's between us. But meanwhile we are not always getting proper UA time because, it is not enjoyable and therefore after a certain number of unenjoyable dates I need a break, not another date.

You have to make sure it is enjoyable time or the effort is wasted. Actually, in your case, it is worse than that. It harms your marriage. Just being together is not the goal. Meeting each others intimate emotional needs and falling in love IS. If you don't get this right, your marriage will never change.

Thanks ML. I know this and that is why I have driven the focus to be LB's for so long. It has been a challenge to get him to identify my LB's (he still hasn't), and it has also been a challenge to get him to address his own. He will go through spurts where I can tell he is really trying and being conscientious of his behavior, but that will only last a short period and then he will go back to old habits until I remind him. Sometimes he just refuses to track or discuss LB's (he has never tracked mine, I have only tracked his and he does not want to discuss them), he says he 'doesn't want to focus on the negative.'

We've been doing this so long, its exhausting.

That means its time to call it quits. It does not take this long to change a marriage. He obviously does not take this seriously.

That's the plan. Can't be done with RH - can't be done without eliminating lovebusters which is the very first step.

You know what happens when the wife tries to take the lead in this. She gets exhausted and gives up - it also seems to only encourage more lackadaisical behaviour in the man.

It's not the like when the gender roles are reversed and the man's efforts encourage the woman to join him. This way does not work.

]
If he doesn't want to focus on the negative, he simply has to eliminate negative behavior. My husband doesn't focus on negative behavior either, because he eliminated the negative behavior. So your husband has a choice. There are 2 ways to eliminate this focus on negative behavior: divorce or eliminating it. Which one does he want? Because eventually you will give up and divorce him when you grow to hate him.

I do get exhausted and give up. And then a couple months go by and he throws me a bone and I find some shred of energy under a rock and try to lead us out of the ditch for awhile again. Rinse, repeat.

Those shreds won't last forever. I'd hold out for the whole package now while you still have a love bank.

I have hated him in the past. At least it was an emotion. Now I feel almost nothing toward him. I don't think he is a bad man, I don't hate him, I don't wish ill will towards him. I just don't have romantic feelings for him at all anymore.

You've moved from conflict to withdrawal

MelodyLane's post focused on what he needs to do, and your response didn't address that. You need to get focused on the big problem, which is that he needs to get on board with this program. Since he has not gotten on board with this program, your marriage is not going to make it. He may change his mind later, which is why you need to go into Plan B now to preserve whatever feelings you have left for him.

Don't just post about your changing feelings - follow the Marriage Builders plan, which is to go into Plan B, the last chance to save your marriage.

Less TALK, more DO.

Unwritten, I think the recovery process is long and hard, but it is a process. If you are not making progress, then you are not on recovery

I've been in your shoes, huby used to be very passive in terms of recovery. But I made it clear, either he is on board or not. My responsability as a buyer is to complain, his responsability as a buyer is to listen and work on those complains. It is not your responsability to find surges of energy to maintain a hopeless recovery.

I would seriously consider separation if I were you

For instance, a couple of weeks ago he said, "I am really starting to wish we had done what we needed to do to transform our marriage a couple years ago." (Or something like that, the "I am really starting to wish..." part was accurate but the rest is paraphrased. )

Interesting statement to make. I know he can tell I am not romantically in love with him and probably never thought that would happen.

Then he read Lovebusters for the first time (or so he says). He asked me to send him the love busting notes I had last taken regarding his behavior, which I had stopped sending him because he never addressed them and also did not ever send me any back. He has brought a couple LB complaints to my attention in the last couple of days, and I noticed he did have the LB worksheet up on his computer.

But, I have no faith that this means anything.

So yes, the 'sparks' of energy are dwindling. There was a time that seeing this kind of action on his part would have made me jump at the opportunity to start working hard, but now I just feel like, what's the point.

Yes, I know you are all right. I was not ignoring ML's post about calling it quits.

I really regret not going to Plan D 4 years ago, there seemed to be a much better reason then. Now I am just calling it quits because of laziness on his part. Rearranging my whole life, and the lives of my innocent kids, due to laziness. Is it worth that, just for romance? That's what I struggle with.

I have said from the first time I posted here, I will never Plan B, if I am going to separate I will go straight to Plan D and not really care about preserving the love bank, if there is any LB left that is.

You need to draw a much firmer line in the sand. I'd tell him you need fun UA time, no edgyiness or mood from him because you are very close to calling it quits.

He's very unaware it's this serious, so he hasn't put effort in - presuming it was a small deal. The lack of effort scared you and you settled for crumbs rather than nothing. A clear instruction that NOW is the last chance could solve every thing.

Stop whittling this to death.

Some men will step up to the plate when their wives seperate from them and actually start doing what they need to do. Others won't.

If you seperate, either it will motivate your husband to do what it takes to keep you, or it will end what was bound to end anyway (only much quicker, with less pain). Either way, you will be happy.

That is an awesome reason to call it quits. It is worth it to call it quits for MARRIAGE. A marriage is a relationship of extraordinary care. Laziness is not extraordinary care. He has already called it quits on marriage (extraordinary care). Whatever you've got from him, it ain't marriage.

unwritten, what we need to get you to do is to follow the plan. If you will follow the plan there is a chance your husband may step up to the plate and save your marriage. If he does not, following the plan will get you to a place of healing much quicker.

We know what happens when people talk and post and blog about their feelings instead of following the plan - they feel worse and worse and worse, and their lives and their health and their children suffer. That is the only reason MelodyLane is bringing up your feelings - to show you that this is not a little thing, but a big and terrible thing that you need to take action on urgently and soon.

You feel bad now - if you do not start preparing for a separation, it will not be long until you feel terrible.