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Joined: Feb 2015
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his2013 started a thread today about sex and love.
I actually joined this site to ask a couple of questions, and this was one of them. Like his2013, I know my husband loves me. He shows it in a hundred different ways. We have been together for 21+ years. He is very touchy-feely during the day, always holding my hand, rubbing my back, lots of little love pecks. He is a very passionate lover. The act of sex itself is always satisfying for me physically, but not so much emotionally. It's hard to explain for me. He keeps his eyes open, is very verbal about the fact that I am pleasing him. But, we don't kiss during sex. We do before sex, during foreplay, but once we get started, the kissing stops. And when we are finished, he gets up, goes to the bathroom, gets back into bed and falls asleep. No cuddling, no pillow talk.
My problem with saying something about the way I am feeling is that I don't feel it's fair for me to "change the rules" halfway through the game. What I mean by that is that it has always been this way. But my needs are changing (yes, after 21 years) and I need more.
Is it fair of me to ask for more, when I have been satisfied with the way things have been for 21+ years?
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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Joined: Jun 2011
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You should feel far more comfortable than this making a basic complaint and I imagine there are more.
PoJA means we can always change our mind. You'd want to know, right?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Jun 2008
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Is it fair of me to ask for more, when I have been satisfied with the way things have been for 21+ years? It is fair to ask for something that would build a stronger emotional bond with your H? What's wrong with that? And you haven't been satisfed for 21+ years..or at least not recently...otherwise the lack of kissing during sex wouldn't be an issue. Don't minimize what you want from your H to feel closer to him. Welcome to MB.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
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You don't even have to "ask" him to kiss you during sex. You could try just telling him you enjoy kissing him so much that you'd like him to kiss you while having sex and not just before (tell him in the form of a compliment.) Or you could even kiss him during sex and see how he responds. If this is how it has always been, he might think you don't want him to kiss you since you seem fine with things as is.
Last edited by black_raven; 03/10/15 02:55 PM.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
his2013 started a thread today about sex and love.
I actually joined this site to ask a couple of questions, and this was one of them. Like his2013, I know my husband loves me. He shows it in a hundred different ways. We have been together for 21+ years. He is very touchy-feely during the day, always holding my hand, rubbing my back, lots of little love pecks. He is a very passionate lover. The act of sex itself is always satisfying for me physically, but not so much emotionally. It's hard to explain for me. He keeps his eyes open, is very verbal about the fact that I am pleasing him. But, we don't kiss during sex. We do before sex, during foreplay, but once we get started, the kissing stops. And when we are finished, he gets up, goes to the bathroom, gets back into bed and falls asleep. No cuddling, no pillow talk.
My problem with saying something about the way I am feeling is that I don't feel it's fair for me to "change the rules" halfway through the game. What I mean by that is that it has always been this way. But my needs are changing (yes, after 21 years) and I need more.
Is it fair of me to ask for more, when I have been satisfied with the way things have been for 21+ years? YES. You aren't satisfied now and that is the point. He can't give you what you want if you don't tell him. It doesn't matter how long you have been married.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Joined: Jan 2010
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Is it fair of me to ask for more Yes.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Joined: Jan 2010
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My problem with saying something about the way I am feeling is that I don't feel it's fair for me to "change the rules" halfway through the game. Marriage is a relationship of extraordinary care, so it would be impossible to follow that rule without telling each other what makes you feel cared for.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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