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Yes we got him we bother agreed, but you know as usual dogs rip stuff and make messes. Nothing crazy just the usual and she hates him! So you negotiated getting a dog and you were both 100% enthusiastic, that was a good start. But now she has changed her mind. I have lived happily without air conditioning my entire life including a childhood in the tropics, I hate being cold and hate the noise it makes. DH is a polar bear and can never be too cold. I knew he would be miserable in the summer without a/c and so we negotiated. We agreed to install central air positioned so that it was completely silent and set at 85 degrees. About a week after it was installed, I noticed the thermostat had crept down to 72. When we spoke about it, he admitted that 85 had been too high but he did not want to tell me he had made a mistake. Negotiated agreements are always open to renegotiation. That means back to the drawing board, not a sneaky change of the thermostat. We started again and this time we agreed on 78 degrees. That seems to have worked fine but it the door is always open for another discussion if needed. we can become stronger and work on communication. I know I've failed as a husband by not being supportive, I just want peace nothing more Do you see the fundamental problem here? You cannot 'just want peace' and also 'work on communication'. Put on your brave boots and tackle the dog issue. Read up on the POJA here on this site. Make it safe for her to renegotiate the dog just as I made it safe for my DH to renegotiate the thermostat. Lots of love units deposited when there is a successful negotiation.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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So my wife dislikes my brother Very much. Whenever I'm on the phone with him or I call him to see how he is doing, she gets angry AT ME!
Just now a couple of minutes ago, I called him to tell him Happy Birthday since today is his birthday. It was A brief 2 minute conversation, and I hang up and my wife who was all smiley smiley and happy 15 minutes ago but now she has this huge frown on her face and is OBVIOUSLY angry. I ask her what's her wrong and for us to talk it out, and she says she basically she has to force information out of me about what was said through the phone. I mean it was so brief I literally told her what we said word for word, and missed a couple of snippets, like he asked me what I was doing this weekend and I said I was working. Well my wife is mad because I didn't tell her my brother asked me what I was doing this weekend. Keep in mind the reason I waited till I was home to call him is because, if she finds out I called him while she wasn't present, she says I'm acting shady or sneaky? She talks to her sister daily up to 3 times a day, and I call my brother maybe once a week. What am I doing wrong? How do I confront her about this and try to work it out?
I don't believe it's necessary to completely cut my family out of my life, what do you guys think? Help please
Last edited by MBeliever; 03/10/15 07:04 PM. Reason: Merged post with original thread; please stick to one thread.
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So my wife dislikes my brother Very much. Whenever I'm on the phone with him or I call him to see how he is doing, she gets angry AT ME!
Just now a couple of minutes ago, I called him to tell him Happy Birthday since today is his birthday. It was A brief 2 minute conversation, and I hang up and my wife who was all smiley smiley and happy 15 minutes ago but now she has this huge frown on her face and is OBVIOUSLY angry. I ask her what's her wrong and for us to talk it out, and she says she basically she has to force information out of me about what was said through the phone. I mean it was so brief I literally told her what we said word for word, and missed a couple of snippets, like he asked me what I was doing this weekend and I said I was working. Well my wife is mad because I didn't tell her my brother asked me what I was doing this weekend. Keep in mind the reason I waited till I was home to call him is because, if she finds out I called him while she wasn't present, she says I'm acting shady or sneaky? She talks to her sister daily up to 3 times a day, and I call my brother maybe once a week. What am I doing wrong? How do I confront her about this and try to work it out?
I don't believe it's necessary to completely cut my family out of my life, what do you guys think? Help please I think you should continue to disrespect your wife's feelings and tell her to go straight to hell, that you have entitlements. That is the path to a happy marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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ok, if you are not going to take this seriously, I will not take it seriously. We have already posted the answers to you. If you don't take those suggestions, there is nothing we can do for you. Personally, I do not have the time to post to someone who is not serious. It is your marriage and if you are less serious than me, then you are wasting my time.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Your being completely unbiased now, I have not disrespected her or made a single rude comment in weeks. I'm slowly learning from my mistakes, but I just want to know how to approach her! Is it wrong that I Called my brother to tell him Happy Birthday? Is it wrong that I too have feelings? Who are you to say I havent excresized your advice or programs you have recommended? Tell me? Is it wrong? Am I in the wrong because I made a simple phone call to a sibling?
For you to say I'm not taking this serious, is rude on your behalf because I'm desperately looking for help! What's your answer? Tell me
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Your being completely unbiased now, I have not disrespected her or made a single rude comment in weeks. I'm slowly learning from my mistakes, but I just want to know how to approach her! Is it wrong that I Called my brother to tell him Happy Birthday? Is it wrong that I too have feelings? Who are you to say I havent excresized your advice or programs you have recommended? Tell me? Is it wrong? Am I in the wrong because I made a simple phone call to a sibling?
For you to say I'm not taking this serious, is rude on your behalf because I'm desperately looking for help! What's your answer? Tell me Tip: if you are defending yourself, you are defensive. Would you like to know how to make the Marriage Builders program work in your marriage?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Your being completely unbiased now, I have not disrespected her or made a single rude comment in weeks. I'm slowly learning from my mistakes, but I just want to know how to approach her! Is it wrong that I Called my brother to tell him Happy Birthday? Is it wrong that I too have feelings? Who are you to say I havent excresized your advice or programs you have recommended? Tell me? Is it wrong? Am I in the wrong because I made a simple phone call to a sibling? The problem with this is that you are asking US if your wife is wrong. Who is the best judge of what upsets your wife? Would that be ME? Some stranger from TEXAS? Of course not. We have explained to you before that your wife's feelings must be put before your family. You are WRONG to do anything that upsets your wife. For you to say I'm not taking this serious, is rude on your behalf because I'm desperately looking for help! What's your answer? Tell me It is rude of you to waste my time when we have already given you the answer. I have a full time career and a marriage and hardly have any time to spend here. Did you read the links I posted? Did you get the book LOVEBUSTERS??
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Did you do any of this? Keep in mind the root of all this is her hatred towards my brothers girlfriend! Hi usnavy, welcome to Marriage Builders. The root of the problem is that you are forcing your wife to do things against her will. That is controlling and as you have learned, leads to fights. If you want to have a happy marriage, you should not do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of you BOTH. [and I am excluding reluctant agreements] Instead of inflicting win/lose decisions on your wife, we teach couples to negotiate win/win decisions. It makes me so sad, because I have given them every thing, I joined the military, changed my ways, and she keeps telling me how unspoortive I am, and how I choose my family over her. You did exactly that. You placed your family's desires over her feelings and badgered her into doing what you wanted. That approach will eventually destroy your marriage. It leads to fights and incompatibility. If you want to have a successful, romantic, loving marriage, you need to gain negotiation skills that will help you come to decisions that benefit you both. Please read this and come back and lets talk: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage Following the Policy of Joint Agreement When You're VERY Incompatible
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I just want peace nothing more She wants more, she deserves more, and if you don't give her more, you will never have peace.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Did you do any of this? I'm speaking out of emotion, which is why I'm here desperately looking for help. It's very hard to negotiate with her! Like we just had a fight because we had bought my son a tricycle for his birthday, than my parents gave him a trycicle. She wants to return the trycle my parents gave him because she doesn't like it, but I like it. So I said let's keep both trycicles and call it even, well she storms out of the house saying she's going to leAve. I tried to compromise We can help you turn this around, but the first thing you and your wife must do is stop the angry outbursts, demands and disrespectful judgments. I understand it is hard to learn to negotiate when you are not skilled in doing this, but you will never be able to negotiate if you fight. When you fight, all hope is lost. I would stop trying to resolve any issues for now and avoid fights at all cost. You are going to have to educate yourself on this program and the first place you should start is eliminating love busters, which are angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, etc. Start reading here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html and go through all the basic concepts. You really do need to get the book Lovebusters and go through the lessons with your wife. Once you eliminate these bad habits, we can teach you how to negotiate mutually beneficial decisions. We are not going to teach you to "compromise" or "sacrifice;" we will teach you a 3rd alternative.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't believe it's necessary to completely cut my family out of my life, what do you guys think? Help please Use Marriage Builders. Worked for me and my wife with the exact same problem.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I understand you have a full time career and if me writing on this forum is hindering your ability to function properly, than I'll stop. Ive learned and accepted I was wrong before, but really? A phone call?
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Yes. Really. A phone call. Have you ever asked your wife why she doesn't like your brother without telling her she is wrong to dislike him?
You should read Lovebusters.
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She doesn't actually owe you an explanation though.
You should also read He Wins, She Wins.
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I understand you have a full time career and if me writing on this forum is hindering your ability to function properly, than I'll stop. Ive learned and accepted I was wrong before, but really? A phone call? Not reading the numerous posts we made is hindering YOUR ability to turn your marriage around. If you won't read the links and get the book, there is nothing we can do for you. WE have already told you to stop doing things that upset your wife. So it is wasting our time to come back and ask us AGAIN if it is ok to a) upset your wife and b) put your feelings and the feelings of your family over hers. Have you read the links? Did you get the book Lovebusters? If you are going to be lazy, then I am not spending my time here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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but really? A phone call? But really? A phone call is more important than your wife's feelings? A PHONE CALL? 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I understand, but is it only my responsibility to be supportive? Should it not go both ways, or do I bend over and take it? We've been to marriage counseling, and the counselor is only on my side. Im a very peaceful person and all I want in my life is peace. She feeds off drama, and enjoys drama. How do we negotiate, when negotiation is not part of her plan? It's either her way or no way. This is very disrespectful! Acting on a complaint from your wife is described as you 'bending over and taking it?'! So if she complains - you are violated? Very neglectful. If she complains she is being dramatic? Also very disrespectful. She has a say on who comes into your home. You are the person 'creating drama' by overruling your wife, unilaterally controlling your home and inviting an unwanted guest into the home. How is it peaceful to go outside the marriage looking for unwanted guests, looking for problems and looking for other people's opinions to inflict on your wife? All I want is peace, and nothing more. . That sounds very lazy and like a recipe for neglect. Do you encourage your wife to share her complaints and will you act on them when she does? I don't mean doing as she says, anything she says - just not overruling her and going against her wishes.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Your being completely unbiased now, I have not disrespected her or made a single rude comment in weeks. I'm slowly learning from my mistakes, but I just want to know how to approach her! Is it wrong that I Called my brother to tell him Happy Birthday? Is it wrong that I too have feelings? Who are you to say I havent excresized your advice or programs you have recommended? Tell me? Is it wrong? Am I in the wrong because I made a simple phone call to a sibling?
For you to say I'm not taking this serious, is rude on your behalf because I'm desperately looking for help! What's your answer? Tell me The entitled attitude is just unbelievable. You know your wife dislikes your brother so did you even attempt to run this past her before calling him? Don't do things you know she is going to dislike and then try to overrule her. You talk as though she is supposed to stay quiet and opt for 'peace' so that you can do as you please. You don't sound interested in speaking to her about her feelings first.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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"Honey how would you feel if I called my brother?" That way she could prevent you from offending her by telling you in advance if she didn't want you to do that.
Or she might just say she was concerned about the phone call leading to more overruling of her wishes. Like you going off and making independent decisions without her input - perhaps if he asked you to go out, that you would without checking for example. (It does seem like you have a habit of independent behaviour). So you could both agree in advance what to do if he asked you to go out.
You need to make her feel more included in the details. Right now you are forcing her to battle for your attention just to have basic input.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Your being completely unbiased now, I have not disrespected her or made a single rude comment in weeks. I'm slowly learning from my mistakes, but I just want to know how to approach her! Is it wrong that I Called my brother to tell him Happy Birthday? Is it wrong that I too have feelings? Who are you to say I havent excresized your advice or programs you have recommended? Tell me? Is it wrong? Am I in the wrong because I made a simple phone call to a sibling?
For you to say I'm not taking this serious, is rude on your behalf because I'm desperately looking for help! What's your answer? Tell me Tip: if you are defending yourself, you are defensive. Would you like to know how to make the Marriage Builders program work in your marriage? If you want any further attention from people here, you need to answer this question. This forum is all about using Marriage Builders principles to solve problems in your marriage. Do you know what the Policy of Joint Agreement is? Do you understand the concept of the Love Bank? Do you know that Disrepectful Judgements are Love Busters? If you put some effort into educating yourself, then you won't have to waste forum time. So, do you want to use Marriage Builders principles or not? We will be happy to assist you in learning and applying these concepts, but if not, we have more important things to do.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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