x 2

Move on. There is nothing to salvage here. This is a MAJOR mismatch.

Phoenix, I recently got some advice from Dr Harley regarding a situation involving my DD18. The gist of what he was basically talking about was to focus on developing good relationships with my kids.

Not only have our kids been through hell with having a wayward parent and divorce, but Dr H basically told me that most people he talks to that are later in life have regrets that they do not have better relationships with their children. It's given me a lot to think about and helped me to shift my priorities a bit.

Here's things that I worry about:
Having a serious GF takes your attention and focus away from your children and also puts stress on them and your relationship with them.

Your kids will also most likely put stress on whatever relationship you are in. I can tell you that for the past 3 years my kids have come home and complained almost non-stop about their father's GF (now wife) and the fighting that goes on inside their home - and many of their fights are about my children.

The numbers of people who post here on MB about troubled new marriages that are blended families is scary.

Anyway, I am not opposed to remarriage or dating for a divorced parent, I just don't see any need to rush or hang on to something that is showing signs of trouble.

And Phoenix, if you need couples counseling when you are dating someone...walk away.

x 2

I've been with my bf over two yrs and we are in no hurry to marry given that we both have children. The topic of marriage has come up but we aren't going to marry just because we've been together x amount of time either. We both understand the pitfalls of a blended household and want to avoid being part of the 85%.

Hi Everyone,

I'd like to first thank everyone for the great advice.

I wanted to clear a couple things up... We were not living together & We did not introduce our kids until after we had dated for a year. We were both conscious of this.

Maybe we broke up cause I was actually too willing to take my girls on nights that were not part of the custody agreement OR maybe we broke up cause the AoA drama - I dunno.

The thought of blending a family and putting the kids through another divorce really really scares me. 85% is a really high failure rate.

This lady went through a lot with me so I'm a little surprised she split after all the drama finally ended.

I'm also regretting the June 5th date now. I told her that if you are not sure about things now, lets see where we are in 3 months. Seems like an artificial date now that will just lead to disappointment.

I'm extremely heartbroken but its a different heartbreak than what my WW was able to give me...

I thought the couples counseling might help deal with the issues associated with blending a family cause I have no idea how to do it. After reflecting a little, I'm not sure she wanted this either.

I'm sorry you are hurt Phoenix. Rejection hurts no matter what.

But you are right, she did not want a blended family. She has told you this! Its up to you to listen and believe it. The idea of counseling between you two is really to try and convince her to accept a blended family. That is unfair, is it not?

It was more about looking at alternatives than actually blending families. More about trying to make her see that we actually had a good situation - from my view.

After I read back over the texts (she broke it off when I was in China so I didn't have chance to talk to her in person), One of her concerns that I missed is that her kids were becoming teenagers and she was getting in a situation where she could do more ie go out to dinner on those nights or go to a party and I was home with my girls.

At the end, I'm not really sure what the real problem was. Maybe she had better prospects or at least owed it to herself to find out - I dunno.

I'll chalk it up to bad timing.

Feel a little silly about even posting here since people are dealing with such bigger issues but its not first time I've been here out of desperation

Every time I see a guy try to do that, it doesn't work. It's inherently disrespectful, because what you are trying to do is get your wife to forget her viewpoint and adopt yours. And of course this program doesn't work if you are disrespectful. And of course no other program works.

The only strategy I've found that works is to learn how to avoid love bank withdrawals and make love bank deposits. Ultimately to do that you have to take your wife's viewpoint into account and address the issues that she is bringing up instead of trying to get her to change her mind and think things are good. When you follow this approach, her feelings change, and then she stops feeling like things aren't good.

It is very typical that the man doesn't see a problem and thinks things are great, and the woman does see a problem. It is very typical for the man to try to persuade her to see things differently. It never works. The only thing that works is for him to accept that if she sees a problem he is going to have to do something about it if he wants to be her partner in life.

Well she didn't think it was a good idea either

I really agree with this. Women and men have different perspectives which make them each better at different jobs.

It's like the woman has the binoculars so she can see the rainstorm coming when it's very far away to the man. Her perspective must be trusted on that one. The woman is usually the complainer/quitter because she is the lookout.

The man seems to have the wet weather gear and umbrella. Not only is he cheerfully oblivious to the storm but he doesn't care - it doesn't make him unhappy in the least. This is how come he can soldier on when the woman just wants to flee. To his perspective, the only thing wrong is her unhappiness.

Your girlfriend might or might not have better prospects. Even if she did't have a man in mind to date, she may have been feeling the pressure it will inevitably cause by becoming much closer to you. Even dating can become a challenge working around both sets of children. Hers are older and she is beginning to have more freedom. Yours are younger. That's the way I would most certainly be thinking were I ever in the dating scene again, if I were to follow my head and not my heart. You and your girlfriend had a pleasant relationship and now she is rethinking it. Perfectly normal. I suggest you move on. Actually, SusieQ's advice to you to focus on your children, rather than on dating, was very good guidance.

What do you think about the 3 month date we set?

We decided to get together on June 5th and discuss. I say we but what I mean is she reluctantly agreed saying she didn't want me to be disappointed in three months if she still felt the same.

She dumped me by text when I was in China so the date sounded like a good idea at the time but now I'm having doubts. I'm not planning on putting my life on hold consciously but I'm sure I'm doing it subconsciously.

Phoenix, she doesn't want to be involved with a house of young kids. You're trying to push her into capitulation when you are trying to talk her out of that belief. Such an approach will likely lead to an unhappy second marriage.

She doesn't want to be your boyfriend and this "three month" date is her appeasing you. Please, do not be desperate here. This is not a good approach in dating.

You enjoy being with your exgirlfriend and she probably enjoyed being with you and now she finds that the relationship isn't working for her. Perfectly normal behavior in the world of being single and dating. Just move on. Keep improving yourself and get yourself out there again. If she's interested in you, then next time you call her, she'll see you. If not, the relationship is over. Just move on. Focus on being a great dad to your children.

I'd spend that time trying to date 10-30 other people, and I might not reunite for the 3 month date.

Does not smell right.

GF was chomping at the bit to marry you then chomping at the bit that she needs her freedom.

You have been replaced with a new BF.

So much for being honest.

If you had logistics issues around kids - like she was free to go out for a date and you had to stay home with the kids, that not gonna change in 3 months unfortunately.

And I understand that it made dating from her prospective not very convenient.

So, as many already advised, probably, it's better to move on.

I suspect this as well - the whole text while in China suggests it. However, this may have been a long time coming too, as OP seems reluctant to realize it really is over.

She's been thinking about it for several months or longer. She probably has a BF candidate in mind but I don't think she's gone there yet - but I've been wrong before on that

She's texted me twice this week. "How is your week?" type stuff. I just replied with a short "Things are going well..." which is not at all what I wanted to say.

Should I tell her to stop texting me so we can both figure this out or start ignoring them?? I got the second one last night couldn't respond til this morning. I wish I wouldn't have responded at all.

And yeah, if she figures out she decides she wants to be a part of my life, I'd welcome her. To my knowledge, she has been upfront.