I understand you may think I'm wasting time, but I have read through the link you posted, and I'm doing my best to understand it.

Yes the situation where I wanted someone unwelcomed in our home was wrong, and I admit to it. I'm speaking honestly when I say that. I've told her and she understands. We've also came to negotiations, including that of speaking to my family.

Per example, I hate when we're watching a movie and her sister Calls her and they stay on the phone for 30 minutes while I pause the movie. Needless to say I've confronted her about the situation, and she gets angry and says It doesn't matter or directly denies it . I don't like her sister, I don't like the things she says about me, or the Comments she makes about me not being the paternal father of my child etc. Even though it's in a joking manner, it's still something that shouldn't be played with or said. I confronted my wife about it and she says I just don't know how to take a joke. nonetheless she can talk to her sister all she wants whenever she wants because I understand it's her sister and they have a beautiful bond that I just won't get involved in. I'm not going to hold a grudge against her sister, and make a scene every time they talk.

We're obviously different people with different mind sets and opinions. I'm using the skills and methods mentioned above to to try and negotiate, and it's been working we have avoided arguments by just talking civily. I understand I'm young, I'm not perfect, I make mistakes.

She tells me she doesn't have a problem with me speaking to my family, and she has told me NUMEROUS times it's okay. You know as well as I do, it's not hard to distinguish when a spouse is angry/upset. I would honestly feel better if she told me she doesn't want me speaking to my brother or family at ALL! I just don't understand, am I the only one in the marriage required to put forth effort and make sacrifices to keep this marriage alive? I don't understand I feel like I'm missing a crucial point to this all.

Put yourself in my situition and tell me what it is you would do if your spouse demanded you cut contact with your family? Answer truthfully and pridefully? So far all I've gotten is that I'm wasting people's time, I'm and horrible unspoortive husband, only my wife's feelings count, forget my feelings because I'm a cold hearted stone. Though some of it may be true, I'd like some constructive criticism.

Okay that's a good one, I understand defending myself is being defensive, common human nature. When is it good and when is it bad? I have been reading, makes sense for the most part.

The question is would you like to know how to make the Marriage Builders program work in your marriage.

Absolutely

That being the case, one of the very first things you are going to have to do is to completely avoid saying anything that she might feel is disrespectful.

Can you do that? Is it okay with you if we point out things that you are saying about your wife that she might feel are disrespectful, to help you recognize them so you can stop saying things like that? Most men who show up here have a lot of trouble realizing when they are being disrespectful. I know I did!

Yes absolutely I would love to so next time I get the impulse to say something disrespectful, I can hold back.

Can you go through this thread and point out the things you've said about your wife that are disrespectful, and explain why she would feel they are disrespectful?

More than just holding back, you need to learn to stop thinking that way. Disrespect is the lazy person's way of dealing with the perspectives of others. A thoughtful person revises their own perspective when their spouse has a different one, rather than disrespectfully discarding it.

I just wanted to point out that through the beginning of this thread, that You obviously felt attacked and judged.

Please remember, that these good hearted posters can only assist YOU, since your Wife is not posting, (Yet).

If She were posting, then HER tasks would be put under the microscope, just as yours are/were.

But, it's Not a contest. Since only you are here now, let's be open to continue to work on your thoughts and behaviors.

I see that you have been more receptive of the advice recently, so Good For You. Keep it up.

It works if you work it.

LTL

We are not asking you to make sacrifices. We are telling you to stop doing things that annoy her. That is not a "sacrifice." It is controlling of you to force her to put up with it. A "sacrifice" is when you are forced to do something you don't like doing. It does not mean to STOP doing something that makes your spouse unhappy.


I would stop contract with my family until the problem is resolved because my marriage comes first.


We have given you constructive criticism and so far you haven't listened. Have you read the book Lovebusters? Have you read through the links we posted?

Melody,

I think that the OP has made a beginning breakthrough due to Markos posts, if you check out his most recent posts.

LTL

huh?

***Like***

Markos cut off contact with his family when they offended me.
I believe he would say he is very happy today.

If your family comes before your marriage, you're not going to make it.

Dr. Harley did the same thing.

For the record, we have a relationship with my family today. I don't have to cut off contact with them any more because they apologized and guaranteed us it would not happen again, and it has not happened again. I would respond in the same way (only quicker) if it happened again.

Dr. Harley got pretty much the same results: by drawing a line, the relationships were saved.

Yes. You both put your families first - which is why you have beautiful bonds with relatives and not each other. Why get married if you are still more bonded to the birth family? You could have both remained living with your siblings if this was how you truly felt.

You leave your mother and father and cleave to your spouse when you are married.

Look, stop allowing poor behaviour. It DOES bother you. So much that you have started using this poor behaviour with her sister as free pass for your own poor behaviour.

Nothing wrong with saying 'It bothers me when you drop everything for her' and 'It bothers me when she makes those jokes'. If she gives you a disrespectful judgement about your sense of humour, just calmly and respectfully repeat 'It bothers me and I just want you to know.' Keep it respectful and loving and most importantly of ALL don't do the same jerk trick with your family. Model to her what you want. Resolve it. The family relationships are not going to go away if you put each other first.



Of course she wants you to have a good relationship with your family. She just wants to be considered first. She can't give you a blanket rule to follow for all occasions - you are going to have to check in with her each time If you spend 15 hours alone together each week there will be plenty of tie in which to discuss upcoming stuff. You should also live an integrated life at home when you are together most of the time.

For example, if her sister calls the house there may be occasions when you ARE ok with her taking the call. If your wife were using PoJA she would be asking you all the time before making any small decision like that. You would either tell her you're fine for her to take the call or you aren't OK with it, depending on what was happening.

Same with you and your family. Your wife's mind is going to change decision by decision, situation to situation. An important part of PoJA is that each spouse can change their mind.

Every decision, even teeny ones, have to fit you BOTH. You must check directions with each other daily, hourly, minutely. You are one body, and every decision is like a coat. If it only fits onto one arm, then the coat is no good.

It's her opinion and your opinion that must be measured in order to find decisions that fit. Other people's do not count.

There should be NO sacrifices at all! Decisions that fit will make both of you very happy.


I'm lucky in that both my parents work well as a team and equally would just expect my husband and I to speak with one voice.

If they were to offend my spouse, they wouldn't try to come between us and set me against him. on to 'their' side. In their eyes, that's divorce. They would either settle their problem with him or ask me what they could do to get back on good terms with us.

I have a friend who has nightmare in-laws. However her husband is amazing. They are quite demanding of his time and expect him to continue to put the birth family first. They are always trying to come between them and play one upmanship. He told them sternly they were going to lose him and has never heard a peep out of them since.

Okay sorry I haven't been able to get on here and reply, I've had a lot of things come up lately.

Anyways, to answer some questions, I have not read the love busters Book, though I have read through the links posted. My marriage absolutely comes first, though I hAve alot of love for my entire family, my marriage does come first. There is just some aspects of our opinions that I feel can be worked on.

I understand how you said I have to be a role model, and I do try at times, but honestly I do also do and say things in return because I'm trying to match her ways. I'm not saying she has to accept my family, or like them at that. I don't believe anyone should be forced to do anything, so why am I being forced to cut contact with my family to keep her happy? Would it be right for me to ask for the same in return? I honestly couldn't ask her that though, no matter how much I Hated her family, it's just not in me.
She can go on for hours talking about how crappy my brother is, how much of a loser he is, how his girlfriend is stupid, how she has a crappy job blah blah blah. You get the point, and okay I just let the conversation go, but if I don't give negative feedback pertaining to them, It automatically puts me on their side and I'm defending him, this and that. Im just saying Id rather speak about a different subject than about how my brothers life is so horrible compared to ours. Than again were different people, I just don't enjoy talking about things like that and would rather focus on us.

Me and my wife eventually talked about this recently, and she said she really wants peace and for everything to be done with. I told her I would talk to my parents about setting "Boundaries" in our relationship and I believe that's fair. She agreed and we're slowly going to try and heal these wounds and learn from Them.

Again,/you are asking to sacrifice. That leads to tit-for-tat score keeping and resentment. Have you read about POJA.

That is where you need to begin. You can't GET this program only from reading the articles and posting on the forum. In your marriage, the most critical problem is love busters. You can download the book on kindle for PCs and read it tonight.


No one can "force" you to do anything. You came here voluntarily and asked how to resolve your marriage problems. The way to do this is to never do anything that makes your wife unhappy, even if that means cutting out your family. If your family is harmful to your marriage, then the situation has to be resolved.


Of course. If her family is toxic to your marriage, then they have to stop being toxic or they should be cut out.

But you should not negotiate family situations until you stop love busters. So get the book Lovebusters and start reading it. That is the first step.

Lovebusters is the first step. Lovebusters create type A resentment.

You also need to understand type A and B resentment. Type A involves putting up with something you hate. Type B involves going without something you love (like your family)

It is better for you to go without your family, than to inflict them on your marriage - because that's type A resentment for your wife.

Living with type A resentment is like having the song you hate most playing constantly.

Type B is just like silence. You might miss the thing you've given up, but you have the silence to fill with any kind of replacement you want.

In the silence you and your wife might decide how you can have a better relationship with your family.

It's a terrible idea to pretend you like trash talking your family. No one is that good an actor and its perfect Type A resentment. Such an annoying song. Just be honest and start having good conversations with your wife.

If you and she were on the same page about access to your family she'd have no reason to trash talk them.