If he wants to follow the program, he can fill out the DJ form and email it to you weekly, CCing Kim. He doesn't get the right to get angry just because he feels disrespected. He doesn't get to demand an apology. He doesn't even get the chance to discuss it with you face to face right now.

Use the forms and CC Kim on every one.

Thank you. Is that form on the website? I did read the LB book but did not fill outany form other than the questionnaire.

We are only on our very first lesson. We started with LBs.

It is in Five Steps to Romantic Love. But the format is easy:
Date of Lovebuster:
Type of Lovebuster: (AO? DJ? Demand?)
Description of what happened: (stick to facts, leave out value judgements, do not use the form to lovebust!)

Example:
Date of Lovebuster: 12/06/2013
Type of Lovebuster: DJ
Description of what happened: You snapped at me for throwing your clothes in the dirty laundry.

Perfect! Thanks, will use.

Things are not going very well with the program. We did complete lesson 1 of LB, and we did have 15+ hours of UA time the past week. The time was not enjoyable for me. LBs are all over the place. I think we are supposed to be writing them down for now. My H does not like this and wants verbal communication.

How do I communicate what is a majority of LB with my time with him? I wrote him an email trying to explain the difficulty. He told me I was wrong that LBs were not that frequent and I committed more LBs.

I'm very frustrated. I would like for him to email me when I make a mistake. I would like to fix things. I feel alone and disregarded.

Is this common in the beginning of the program?

First, you need to report this to your coach.

If he wants verbal communication, HE should call your coach and talk to HER. Not you.

If he will not accept your written communication about his lovebusters, make sure your coach gets them. But do not talk about them with him verbally. He is not safe to do that with at this point.

If he insists on verbal communication with you, decline to discuss it and tell him you would be happy to hear whatever complaints he sends to your coach.

He can tell that to your coach. You're not going to discuss it with him verbally.

This is really the last chance he has. If he's not going to do this program, then you need to start preparing for a separation.

He needs to be communicating with your coach because it's the only way he has right now to complain to his wife.

Thank you. I emailed Kim and asked for help.

He emailed me today that he is tired of being the only one in the marriage who is trying. This is very upsetting to me. I have been trying very hard.

It feels like a game to me. It feels like a game of control, and I am very sad and tired...

He said he can't be expected to fix anything if I don't tell him what is wrong. I hope Kim and Dr. Harley can explain he needs to change his entire demeanor. He seems angry much of the time toward me. All I want is for my H to be nice to me

Thank you again.

This was a disrespectful judgement and needs to be recorded.

Hi, Loving29,

I saw your posts to Dr. Harley and just wanted to comment that the POJA is not supposed to work as a loophole your husband can use to prevent you from getting help for your marriage. Forwarding emails to your coach is not a violation of copyright law.

If your husband would come back and talk to us, we would be happy to try to help him see the benefits he can receive from cooperating with the Marriage Builders coaching instead of trying to prevent you from participating in it.

Thank you for your post.

I posted to Dr.Harley on Kim's recommendation. My H was repeatedly angry with me regarding behaviors I thought would be helpful to our marriage, and I was having difficulty articulating my viewpoint to him. I think the response Dr.Harley gave was useful and made sense. I feel I need some additional support, and I also want to make sure my actions are in line with the MB program.

I am still a bit confused over H's reluctance to use the coaching we both agreed to, and I don't quite understand the problem of me forwarding the emails. I am not sure if we are each interpreting Kim's advice differently?

I will continue to ask for help as I need it, and I appreciate the honesty I am receiving

I am extremely upset this evening. Since beginning the program, I feel my H's LBs have increased. I knew it would be difficult to change my poor behaviors, but I didn't realize there would be increased tension between us.

Today H texted me "he's out" bc I am not willing to change, he's the only one willing to do the work, he said I deny any LBs, etc....and threatened a "peaceful existence" which I think refers to us living together for show?

H told me his LBs are passive, and I need to tell him exactly what to fix every time. I told him I didn't feel I had the skills to verbally do that yet, and I thought there may be other ways for him to eliminate LBs. I told him I felt comfortable following the current course Kim has advised us to follow.

I don't understand what is happening. I am hurt and saddened bc I thought we agreed to do the MB program...his anger seems worse to me. I feel like I am going crazy.

Thank you for letting me vent.

L29, this is almost always the case because you are spending more time together. It gets worse before it gets better. Don't get discouraged, just keep communicating with your coach and let her help you and your husband navigate through the land mines.

Thank you for the encouragement.

Is it a DJ/LB for me to post that I think my H has anger issues (I think I need to work on my anger also)? My H says it is a DJ that I am posting to others that he seems angry/I would like his anger problems resolved.

I find the way he acts toward me/communicates with me to be hurtful b/c of anger/LBs. He says I am placing a judgement about how he feels (bc he says he does not feel angry). I only know how he is acting - angry with LBs.

Can someone please help me understand?

No.
If he doesn't want people to think he has angry outbursts, he can stop having them.

Hi everyone.

My H and I were doing the program. We had a rough start, but it seems like that is common. Beginning with the Lovebusters program first, we made it through the first 5 lessons. Unfortunately, we stopped doing the MB program for the past month (we were doing UA time every week, but we were not formally going over the lessons or providing written feedback with the coach). Despite trying to follow MB guidelines, we started to fall back into old habits.

I noticed the old bad habits creeping in, and I started feeling very unhappy about the marriage. I repeatedly stated that I thought MB was working when we were doing it, and my husband agreed he wanted to continue doing it. After many emails asking my H to schedule the time to go over the lessons/send feedback/etc...he continued to ignore my emails and not respond to them.

Things went downhill quickly this weekend. We both were misbehaving badly. I look at the weekend as a setback and a call to get back to doing the MB program. H sees it as proof that MB does not work (because I haven't changed at all according to him), and he is refusing to work on the marriage. I fully recognize I need to make changes, and I am happy to work with him.

Is this type of setback normal during the process? I wasn't expecting everything to go perfectly. How do you recommend I get my husband back on track with me to fix things?

He currently is telling me there is no hope. He is trying to get me to leave the marriage and move out of the house.

Please, advise. I appreciate your help.

Have you snooped?

If he wants out, he needs to move out.

I strongly encourage you to contact your coach and Dr. Harley as soon as possible.

It's very disturbing that he would be telling you to move out of the house. If he is unhappy, he is welcome to move out and get a divorce. They are easy to get and there is no need for him to talk to you about it in order to get one. I would decline to talk to him about this.

It's helpful to keep the complaints organized, separated from each other, and prioritized. If you are being demanding, disrespectful, or angry towards him, you need to cease and desist immediately. It is ULTRA important for you to realize that having marital problems doesn't MAKE you demanding, disrespectful, or angry; that's one choice you can make in response, but it is not the only choice.

I would encourage the two of you to exchange weekly complaint worksheets. Write down each demand, disrespectful judgment, and angry outburst. There's not a lot of need for discussion. If either of you is ever unhappy with your marriage, you can look at last week's list, and if it's not empty, he or she will know immediately the FIRST thing he or she needs to do to make the marriage happy again.

Don't join the two. If you were demanding, disrespectful, or angry, then talk about that separately from what he did. "We both" is a way of minimizing your own part. Now, I am certain that he also does a lot of this kind of minimizing, but you need to do your part to not talk that way.


Can you be more specific? What changes is he looking for?

You need to adopt a no tolerance policy towards demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts. You should not tolerate them yourself and should not see them as a normal response to a bad marriage. And you should not tolerate them from him, either.