I can give more details as needed but it is a long story.

At the end of last November I was very manic due to severe triggers one of which was my mother being diagnosed with lung cancer. I did some stupid stuff (no infidelity) and my wife asked me to move out.

I am currently studying the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters." I recognize the fact that I am not the best husband, and that my wife has a few faults of her own.

I am currently living with my sister and giving my wife about 50% of my pay, living on the rest. I have two daughters, age 19 and 22. The younger one still talks to me, the older one does not. My wife talks to me for short periods of time about trivial matters; she refuses to discuss our marriage and says she needs time.

I am currently in outpatient therapy at a very good mental facility to learn to recognize my triggers and handle them. We are focusing on how I think and changing the way I process events.

I consider myself a good person when I compare myself to other people; I have never been abusive, never did any illegal drugs, moderate alcohol use, no smoking or other tobacco use, steady provider, don't watch sports on TV. My only real defect is an obsession with collecting stuff; old woodworking tools and Coleman lanterns. Looking at this I see a list of stuff I don't do, and Her Needs are really a list of things I should be doing.

Being separated now, it is hard to see the road forward toward restoration. Affection is her biggest need. I have thought of doing something once a week to show her affection. I am concerned that more often than that would irritate her.

How would you go about restoring this marriage?

What was the "stupid stuff" you did?

Are you on medication? If so, do you consistently take it?

Welcome to MB

This will sound crazy but you have to understand in a BP manic mindset it made perfect sense. She had asked me to separate from her in the past during two different episodes, mostly due to the fact that I disagreed with the Dr about my meds and stopped taking them. During this current episode I was taking my meds but due to all the triggers went manic anyway. I felt that she was going to ask me to leave again. I decided to open my own bank account and stop depositing my pay directly into our joint account. On Friday morning after Thanksgiving I told her that if she kicked me out of the house I would stop supporting her financially. In my mind at the time, I thought this would prevent her from asking me to leave. She asked me to leave later that day. Looking back on this incident now of course I don't know what I was thinking.

Thanks for the welcome. It took a long time and two separations to find an affordable medication that would work for me. Currently I am mainly on Lithium and taking it regularly, along with a few other meds. I had been stable for a number of years. Last November I fell asleep while driving and damaged my car and my wife demanded that I pay for the repairs out of my allowance. About the same time my daughter had her spleen removed, we had a large family gathering, and my mother was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. My biggest trigger (discussed in therapy) is the fear of losing my mother. My father was mentally abusive (passed away about 2 years ago) and my mother has always been a cheerful and positive influence in my life, a pillar. My doctor agrees with me that there is no medication in the world that would prevent a BP from going manic given all of this.

That sounds like an extremely dangerous situation for her. For there to be any hope of reconciling, I would imagine that you need to find a way to make it impossible for you to do anything like that again. Maybe get some sort of legal decree that gives her legal power over your finances? And some sort of mechanism where if you start to show the signs of mania she can have you put into inpatient treatment immediately.

I would strongly encourage you to contact Dr. Harley on his radio show. Dr. Harley is a clinical psychologist and has dealt with people being treated for bipolar disorder.

I agree. Email him at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

I would like someone to explain to me clearly how this would make her feel, preferably from a woman's perspective. I have buried my emotions for years and just do not feel it. All she had to do was to continue to let me live there and I would support her. Reading the Love Busters book now I recognize this as a selfish demand that made her hate me.

I will look into the Harley radio show.

You answered your own question. It would make her feel like you were emotionless and only willing to provide a 'tit for tat' financial deal. You make independent health decisions and threaten to withdraw finances if she tries to create a truer partnership.

Any woman would feel used and at the mercy of a very cruel and emotionless whim. Anyone would go see a lawyer.

What you are doing now - support without expeacting tit for tat - is better. But she had to separate in order to get that level of care.

Is the support legally ordered or voluntary?

So, how will you protect her when your mother dies? You are blaming external factors for your behavior, so, how can she feel safe from behavior that you say you cannot control?

Put it this way... If the demons made me do it, it wasn't my fault, then what's saving her when the demon comes back?

Terrified. I wouldn't feel it, either, but I'm sure that's how she would feel. Most of a woman's emotional needs are based around security. In your present circumstance, you could repeat what you have done at any time, and so you provide her no security. She can't possibly be in love with you under these circumstances.

It seems that this suggestion has been passed over, but I don't think you can save your marriage if you don't do something like this.

You don't need to understand her feelings in order to do something about her feelings.

And you do understand her feelings - she feels terrified.

How can you make your wife safe, then? How can you make it so that she is not in danger of anything like what happened before happening again?

You are a serious risk and danger to her, Moses. If you love her, and if you want her to feel in love with you, you need to protect her - from you.

We are still legally married. She asked me to give her 35% of my pay plus pay for all 5 of our phones (one for her mother) and I am providing that voluntarily. The phone bill is just under $150.

Just to clarify, my intention was never to stop supporting her; it was to try to force her into letting me remain there. Yes, now that I am writing it then it just gets worse, and does not look funny in any way. I think I am beginning to see it.

I never said I could not prevent these behaviors. At the time, I did not know how to prevent them. Thanks to Obamacare and a pay raise I have insurance now and am in an outpatient therapy program that will probably last for years. The therapist is allowing me to record the sessions for use in the future.

On the other hand, something could go wrong. None of us are ever 100% safe; we just learn to trust people based on their past behavior.

I agree totally with the suggestion that if we live together again we make some sort of arrangement to prevent this from happening again. The complete honesty agreement would work. We could sit down every day and discuss what we did that day.

In essence though, you are saying that in order for her to be safe, I must cease to exist. She has to have complete control of me in every way or she is not safe. I do not see how this advice meshes with marriage builders?

So essentially your advice is to divorce her? Basically, you are saying that everyone who has problems should simply divorce their spouse in order to spare them the pain of being with them?

This completely explains why your wife should NOT reconcile, though.

You said no medication could prevent an episode in those circumstances. So, based on your previous behavior, you're a ticking timb-bomb because you can't control yourself when things go terribly wrong.

She shouldn't stay married to someone who will commit financial abuse or xyz abuse when something bad happens. When your mother dies, before you as all parents should, how are you going to protect her?

No, that wasn't my advice at all. Are you reading my posts?

Make it possible for her to be married to you and safe. Did you see what I said about getting it set up so she has the legal right to prevent you from keeping your money from her? And setting it up so that she can get you into inpatient treatment immediately at the early signs of mania? I don't see how you could get divorce out of those suggestions.

If you want to stay married to her, you will need to make it where it is safe for her to be married to you. You need to realize that you are the biggest danger she has ever faced, and you need to make yourself safe to be around. Basically if you're Superman, you need to give Lois a kryptonite ring.