I have been married to my wife for over 19 years and we have three children ranging in age from 18 down to 8. We had serious issues in our marriage about seven years in and we ended up going through the Retrouvaille program and working things out. Things went bad after the irth of our first chile and I felt neglected and resented by my wife. As such, I entered in to an emotional affair through chat and email. I never did meet the woman or have anything physical with her. My wife did catch me though and made it clear to me that this was cheating even without any physical contact. I couldn't disagree. We then worked to fix our marriage and it worked....for awhile.

The last four years or so i have felt that my wife was very distant from me. Noticing little things like me being the initiator of physical contact. always being the one to say I love you. In fact, in this time period, I can't recall a time when she told she loved me without me saying it first. Over this time she had also become more indpendent and was going out with friends more and just being more argumentative about seemingly trivial things.

I suspected that something may be going on with a guy that I have known for years so I had hi followed when he was working in town about three years ago. I never asked for any of the informaiton from the private investigator as, I guess, I just didn't want to believe that she would be cheating on me.

Fast forward to three weeks ago and my curiousity finally got the better of me. I grabbed her ipad and started looking at text messages from the guy I had suspected as I saw many flirtatious text messages over the years, but she always denied anything was up. In reading the old texts, I discovered that my intuition had been right and that she had been carrying on with this person for at least the last three years on and off The on and off was more a factor of circumstance as he is an officer in the US Army and has been deployed on occasion overseas. THe hardest part of this whole thing for me is that I know this young man. In fact our families have a relationghip going back to the late 1960's when his grandfather and my dad were the best men in each other's weddings. I am just devastated that he would carry on like this with my wife. I also found textst to some other of her close frends calling our marriage relationship farcical as long as two years ago. Not one word to me about her thoughts on our marriage. I should have known she says.

Once i confronted my wife with the text messages she insited it was just flirting and nothing else. Once I told her about the private investigator that I had follow him a few years ago she has admitted to a physical affair. The affiar was also very emotional in nature. She is heavily inveested emotionally with this man. While I was expecting remorse her reaction was completely different - said she wants out and want to divorce.

She has agreed to going to therapy but I think it's because she is afraid of what I will do with the information I have about the affair - revealing it to his family, the Army, etc. So I feel as though she is just going to therapy to get me talked in to seeing why this divorce has to happen. She told her friend so much as that in several text messages.

Needless to say I am devastated. Angry at times - more at him than her - walking on egg shells around her to try and keep her happy. I realize that is not what I should do. I am contemplating asking her to move out since she is the one who wants to leave, but I worry that will just push her further away.

If anyone has some ideas for me, I would be very grateful. Prayers are welcome too. I have some spy software set up but not on her phone. Also a GPS tracker on the car.

Thanks in advance for the help!!

I'm sorry for what's going on with your wife and marriage. I'm glad that you found Marriage Builders.

You should probably ask the moderators to move your thread to the Surviving an Affair section. You will get great help there.

Hit notify....

Hi BSH, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. You are in the right place if you are looking for solutions to your marriage problems. We have a very specific process that we believe gives you the best chance at recovery.

But I will first give you my thoughts about your situation. I cringed when I read you hired a PI 3 years ago but did not use his intel to bust up this affair. Affairs are much easier to bust up in the early phases. Sweeping the affair under the rug only enabled it to become more entrenched. But there is no use crying over spilled milk. I am saying this because it is critical that you understand that conflict avoidance CREATES more conflict.

The other lesson here is that mold grows in the DARK. Mold does not fare well in the SUNLIGHT, which is why your wife is terrified you will expose her affair. You have the OM by the balls right now and they both know this. They are terrified that you will realize your strategic advantage and SQUEEZE.

And you are correct in your assessment about "therapy." Since most therapists have no earthly idea how to save marriages, they are destructive when there is an affair. Since they do not understand how to save a marriage from an affair, they often recommend divorce and validate marriage wrecking ideas of the wayward spouse. The therapist will make your wife feel better about getting divorced.

We have a completely different approach that comes from Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. It is completely counterintuitive, but works better than any thing else we have seen. Almost every recovered marriage here attributes it to these tactics.

It is a 2 pronged approach where you open up holy hell on the affair in a strategic, planful way while showing her that you can and will make her happy in the future if she ends her affair. The goal is to kill the affair by running the OM off. If you can run this creep off, then you have a chance to correct the problems in your marriage and win her back. We can show you how to do this if you can follow a plan.

The first step is expose the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposing it in a tactical manner ruins the fantasy and garners support for your marriage. [go read the exposure thread in my signature] You have a very serious and effective weapon against the OM since he is in the military. We have instructions from other military personnel on how to do this on the Exposure thread.

That is the first step. I would also get the book Surviving an Affair and read it so you understand the dynamics of infidelity. That will help you understand the plan we are recommending. You can download it on kindle for PCs and read it.

Melody - Thanks so much for your thoughts. I kick myself each and everyday for not pushing harder about what I thought was going on. I chose to believe my wife and now wish I had not.

Your analogies are right on point as to mold growing in the dark, etc. I have my first appointment with the therapist next week. It is the day after my wife meets with her. I plan to ask her directly if she is here to help us with our marriage or just here to help justify and support my wife in divorcing me and to "bring me around". If it is the latter, I plan to leave and seek an alternative.

I will read through the exposure threads and figure out a game plan. I have also thought about calling the OM and talking to him since I know him pretty well. Any thoughts on that?

I would encourage you not to seek therapy with your wife through this person.

I went to marriage counseling with my wife for a month (two sessions a week!) and I think it probably ruined my odds of saving my marriage because the marriage counselor did NOT address the problems we were up against, did NOT recognize the signs and symptoms of my wife's affair which I had not discovered yet and instead focused on "communication" which allowed my wife to paint me as the bad guy and made her quite upset as our counselor dredged over recent arguments and disagreements, as well as allowing the affair to become more entrenched out of sight.

Nearly every person on this site recognizes "I love you but I'm not in love with you" as a red flag of an affair, but my counselor didn't seem to think anything was out of place hearing her say that to me. That's how bad it is out there.

I would URGE you to consider the counseling services they offer over the phone on this site if your wife is dead-set on therapy or counseling. The vets here can help you with who to get set up for.

If your therapist doesn't understand the dynamics of affairs (most people do not), I assure you that you are about to be thrown under the bus by them and made to assume all of the blame for your wife's unhappiness while the affect her affair has on her feelings remains safely outside the bounds of discussion. Been there, done that. If you must do counseling, at least find someone who does MB so that the affair is actually dealt with and not ignored.

And did I mention it cost me over $1000? Just thought I would add that. Biggest waste of money ever.

This is always the case. Lull the BS into thinking 'I'm trying' and tell everyone else 'I tried' too. Meanwhile the talking shop is a brilliant place to bash the BS over the head with every mistake they've ever made.

The entire field of therapy is built up around this demand. It's why the failure rate is so high. When two people want to fall in love they go out to dinner and talk each other up - they don't go to a misery clinic.

I wouldn't go. There's been a lot of BHs who tried to make therapy a positive experience but the therapist is trained to dig for negatives. If you storm out, that's a mark against you too. Besides the therapist is going to tell you they will help. They think their profession works.

What you need to do is expose and start enlisting the help of the genuinely supportive - your loved ones. A therapist would be aghast at you being honest with your families and running off the OM. That doesn't cost you anything at all!

If you were to contact the Harleys counselling centre here at this stage, they would tell you not to bother.

There is simply no point before you have bust up the A. Any counselling will just wash over her head.

It is a good idea to call him AFTER you have exposed the affair wide and far.

I would also caution you against going to therapy. It will be a distraction from your marriage problems and will most likely ruin your chances of saving your marriage. First off, there is no reason to go to a counselor if there is an affair. [it is like a falling down drunk going to therapy] And secondly, therapists have no idea how to save marriages. They have an 84% failure rate and a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. I can't count the hundreds of times people have come here after getting destructive, marriage wrecking advice from a well meaning counselor. The advice that we give you here is FREE and comes from a clinical psychologist.

From a betrayed husband(me), the advice i never got and wish i did.

1. Never agree to counseling unless it is Marriage builders

2. EXPOSE!!!, this POSOM is an officer in the Army?, you have been given a gift, you expose that to his place of work and to everyone important in your life, his life, your wifes life, to your kids and you do it all at once(nuclear) (read the Exposure 101)

3. Your wife will act, say, do things that she has never done. She WILL LIE, CHEAT, STEAL to keep her fix. She will act like an addict. You won't believe it is her. I guarantee she is going to do and say things that has been repeated on this forum countless times.

4. Talk to an attorney, now! Despite all your best efforts, you may end up divorced. So prepare!!

5. You are going to go through the hardest time of your life, your emotions will betray you. Be calm, cool, never ever fight or argue with her. Use LOGIC, and think.

6. Seek advice on this forum.

7. Carry a VAR with you at all times, waywards get CRAZY!

8. Take care of yourself, EXERCISE, EAT, SLEEP. Your health will suffer unless you are actively doing something about it.

Thanks for the advice. I do want to add to the discussion that the relationship has ended on the physical side for sure. In going back through the information I have, I am certain there has been no physical contact in several months. Text messages have continued through the discovery and still show emotional attachment so I agree with the need to expose. But i admit that I am a bit scared to go completely nuclear on the exposure. Hopeful I can get over that fear quickly.

Also know that Facebook, Instagram, email, texts have ceased since discovery. It took him two weeks to notice that she had infringed him. Ironically, he has not unfriended me yet which surprises me a bit,

Infringed=unfriended

Completely irrelevant. Physical contact doesn't endanger the marriage as much as an emotional bond. Physical = easy to end, emotional = completely devastating to your marriage.

It's an affair. Doesn't matter what kind. In fact random chit chat messages are the most common type.

Also APs commonly phrase faux emails which downplay the A in case of discovery.






I've never seen that happen voluntarily unless the A has gone under ground onto a burnerphone or the like.

It would still need exposing even if it were over.



No, you'll be terrified. It's not possible to be in the battlefield of your life without a normal amount of fear. Once over with though, you'll feel amazing.

The fact that there has no physical contact recently does not change anything.


I am a firm believer in EFFECTIVE exposure. There are effective exposures and there are trickle exposures. Trickle exposures have the effect of bringing a pea shooter to a gun fight. The only outcome is an infuriated opponent who comes after you much harder.

So please don't worry about subjective, meaningless terms like nuclear.. The goal will be to bust up the affair. And everyone is AFRAID to do exposure. You don't need to get over the fear, you just have to choose to act despite your fear.

How are they communicating now? Is it via whatsapp?

Exposure works (at least it worked for me)... blow it up!

other man's wife and work (since army officer) and your wife's parents will likely have a MAJOR imapct and destory the affair...

I have been here years. I have yet to see anyone get hurt from exposing the affair or following melodylanes advice.

Expose today. Expose WW's parents, gparents, aunts and uncles, siblings, kids. OMW, parents, gparents, aunts and uncles, siblings, OM's FB friends, his employer being he is in the army.