New to all of this - not sure where to put it. I am a 60 year old, married male (second time), three kids, 23, 21 and 15. My wife is 56. What was once a great marriage has declined to something more along the lines of a business partnership. Don't argue much, haven't slept together in I honestly don't remember how many years, haven't attempted any intimacy in well over 10. Haven't been away together without the kids in 20 years. She seems fine with it, and I have become a grumpy old man.

To further complicate matters, on the commuter train I ride, 15 months ago I met a much younger woman, and although nothing physical has happened between us, it's been so nice just to be in the presence of someone I'm attracted to, and pay her a genuine compliment. Didn't have the guts or the heart to try to move things to the next level, simply tried to create the right environment, and hoped for something to happen. We ride in together every morning, go out for breakfast once a week. A few months ago I took her out for a very nice lunch, to celebrate our "first anniversary", and, expressed a few, I'll call them warm sentiments. No come on, no proposals, no asking for anything or seeking anything, just letting this person know I cared for her. First time I ever did anything like that with someone other than my wife in the 27 years I've known her. I know something like this is a mistake, if anything did happen, it could only lead to disaster, but, damn, its been so long since I've had any kind of romantic love in my life, and am I so wrong for wanting one more sip from that sweet cup before I reach the end? I took a vow of marriage, not of celibacy, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand on my head begging for it. Oh, and it doesn't help that I have ED, at least with my wife, I wouldn't know about anyone else. Our youngest wouldn't have been conceived were it not for Viagra.

Well, to make a long story short, earlier this week, the younger one told me she is pregnant, due in September. She and her husband apparently reconciled a difficulty where in she wanted another child - its a second marriage for them both, she has two daughters, 4th and 8th grade, and his kids are nearly raised. He's 47, she's 37. Needless to say, while this is great news for her, it's terrible news for me. Although, in truth, our relationship has been starting to get more routine and stale, the conversation nothing but a recital of her domestic issues and activities. I feel I know more of what's going on under her roof than I do of what's going on under mine, and I'm no more interested in her details than I am in mine, truth be told. I do realize this is important to her, and while she certainly has no obligation to tell me anything, it would seem to me if someone is expressing affection for you and you know you've taken a major, irrevocable turn such as this, the only decent thing to do is tell them. She has to have been committed to this plan since around the time we went for that anniversary lunch.

I should be given an award for elevating stupidity from a virtue to a science. I really don't know who or what I am anymore. THere's much more I could add to this screwed up tale, but this is supposed to be a post, not a novel. I believe step one is to tell my young friend that it's time for me to say good bye, that there's no place for me in this new scenario. I've wrestled with this for the last two days, and hate it, but the only alternative is to carry on until she goes on maternity leave, adding pregnancy updates to the rest of the domestic chatter and really, what male wants to be walking around with someone else's pregnant wife? I'm grateful to MB for pointing out the grieving process, I plan on giving things a couple of weeks to give myself a chance to start to recover, and then, I suppose, the next step is to try to work on improving my marriage, so this doesn't happen again.

Once again, I appreciate MB for the EMotional Needs they list, it really helps to articulate what's lacking. But, you know, I hate to say it, but I really have no desire for my wife, and she seems to have none for me either. I don't want another divorce, and if that should happen, don't want another marriage. But I don't want to be alone either. The idea of retiring, and being in my marriage 24/7 as it now exists is completely unacceptable. I feel we are both responsible for the state of our marriage. Sure wasn't like this when we started. It makes sense that if we both can admit our marriage is failing, and articulate what we each believe we need in order to make it at least sustainable, we've got a chance, and if we can't, well, then why not part amicably and move on to whatever comes next? I'm getting older, I don't have a lot of time to waste. Who knows how many good years are left? If you can call these "good years".

I'd be grateful for any feedback on this. I never knew 60 would be like this. If I did, I don't think I'd have quit smoking 20 years ago, since, at times, I'd rather just be dead.

How would you feel if you and your wife were in love again?

Lots of people on this forum have resurrected a "dead" marriage into a wonderful one. Once you both learn to meet each others needs and eliminate any love busters, you can be in love and enjoy a romantic marriage.

You not only should let this woman know that you must never see or talk with her again, but you should also let your wife know of this romantic feeling you have had with this woman. She will need to work with you to ensure you never had contact with this other woman.

Having an affair, even if it doesn't result in sex, would be the biggest mistake you can make. The best thing you could do is to work with your wife on instituting what MB calls Extraordinary Precautions to protect your marriage. Then work on creating a great marriage. It starts with you.

You've got the wrong step one. First you need to tell your wife. Can you suggest that she post here?

Stop chatting with other women about their marriages and your marriages, and stop going to breakfast with women besides your wife.

Do you own the book Surviving an Affair?

MelodyLane is right to bring up the possibility of you being in love with your wife again. Of COURSE you are not wrong for wanting to be in love again - but you can and must have that with your wife. You are a MARRIED man and should not be developing friendships with other women and keeping secrets with them that your wife is not aware of.

You CAN'T be in love with your wife when you keep letting other women make deposits into your Love Bank. There are probably a lot of things that need to be resolved on the path to being in love with your wife again, but the NUMBER ONE THING is that you are letting this happen.

Tell your wife so that she can hold you accountable. It's the best way to make yourself stop.

Zach,

you may have fallen in love with a younger woman on the train, but to think that she has feelings for you seems really off.
If an elderly man on the train would be friendly to me and compliment me once in a while, I would think of him as a second grandfather.
You may think that sho knows how you feel, but there is a distinct possibility that she has no clue, which would be a good thing.

Please read what you wrote and how self-centered you have become. Would you have condoned it if YOUR pregnant wife would have commuted with an older man, who was lusting after her?
You are talking about your rights here for her to ditch her husband for you or to be your "side dish" or whatever and about your "rights" to be told that she is solving her marriage problems with her husband.
You have no right to meddle in someone else's marriage, nor have you rights to go after someone else's wife, nor do you have the right to even think about walking around with someone else's pregnant wife.

If she has no clue, than you should tell her your commute has changed and good luck and never see her again. Dr. Harley advises against telling people you are in love with them if they don't know that, to avoid the possibility of mutual confessions of love and the like. Don't fess up to your feelings if she does not know. If she does, you should write a no contact letter to her together with your wife. Please get back to us on that.

You should go to your wife and tell her. She will not be pleased, but only if you work together, you can build a better marriage than before, where you are in love with her and she with you. A marriage where both of your emotional needs are met (including sexual fulfillment). But you have to end this one-sided emotional affair first and close all avenues of contact with this woman. You owe that to your wife, yourself and to the pregnant woman who may have no clue, that the friendly granddaddy on the train is coveting her.

You know, I honestly don't know. I realize it's the best way to go, all around, I do not relish the idea of another divorce, and, in truth, am not sure I would ever want another marriage.

Thanks. You know, in the early days of my marriage, something like this would have been impossible. I was very satisfied with things at home, and in fact, cheerfully and happily walked away from an opportunity as soon as it began to reveal itself. It's really tragic how far we've allowed things to fall.

Thanks for the reply. I get the wisdom of that, but there was no affair here. I never received so much as a peck on the cheek. And you know, okay, I'm responsible for what I do, no question, but, when you are hungry, you want a meal, you don't care what it is or how you get it, you just want it. When you are cold, you want to get inside to a warm place, you don't care where it is, or what the circumstances are, you simply want to be warm. I would only reveal it if I felt it were absolutely necessary. By the way, I haven't lied or denied anything.

Correction - no one has kept any secrets. Not volunteering information that hasn't been asked for, well, if she asked, that'd be different. At this age, let's face it, there aren't many good years left.

That is BS.

This is information about her life to which she has a right to know. This is not private information. She needs to know how far your feelings went for this woman because you allowed this to reach a dangerous level. I understand you are deprived, but seeking out other women is not the solution. Nor is it an ethical approach for a married man. This is exactly how affairs begin, and I have no doubt you would be having an affair if your friend had not stopped this.

The solution to falling out of love is to fall BACK in love and that is what we can teach you.

The way you have been handling this has the potential to utterly and completely wreck your life. You have poor boundaries with women and as such, are just an affair waiting to happen. If you have an affair, you will destroy your life. I hope you understand this. If you left your wife for another woman, it is very likely your children would never speak to you again. That is typically what happens.

But you don't have to throw away your life. We can show you how to have a happy, romantic, passionate marriage just like we have.

How much do you like those kids? Have any grandkids? You are playing Russian roulette with everything valuable in your life.

Thanks for your insights. There are, however, several points you make that, frankly, I find offensive. First, no one mentioned the word "love". I have never considered myself in love with her. I don't know her well enough to make such a determination. Attracted would be the better word.

Second, I do not consider myself "elderly". I'm just me. No more, no less. And you know what? I've expressed what I consider to be enough warm sentiments that if she doesn't have a clue, she's truly obtuse. Ample opportunity to say.. Whoa Pop, you are getting a bit ahead of yourself. Never once would I have suggested she ditch her husband, nor have I ever, ever tried to cause anything to happen. Maybe it is a rationalization, but I think there is a world of difference between causing something to happen and allowing it to happen. I get on the train several stops before hers, she made the choice to ride with me, not vice versa.

Also, when did I suggest I was going to tell her I was in love with her? Farthest thing from my mind. You've way overreached here. Selfish? Yeah, to a point. If I don't take care of me, who will? And truthfully, I balk at the notion of working to make a relationship work. I'm fine with discussing with my wife how our marriage has fallen on hard times, in order to determine if there is any desire on her end to save it, but I'm not going to stand on my head to make something work that doesn't work. Ten years of sleeping alone? I took a vow of marriage, not celibacy.

"The friendly granddaddy on the train"... How dare you! Just because a person celebrates x number of birthdays, they are to retire from the human race? A man ceases to be a man? And is no longer to experience a man's normal desires?

Sorry if I seem hostile, you mean well, but I really don't appreciate the grandfather label. I've no intention of writing any good bye letters, with, or without my wife. I intended to say good bye today, but my friend did not appear on the train. I intend to do that at the next opportunity, because there is no point in continuing this association any further.

What you don't know as well, and space didn't permit me to mention, is that I have two other opposite sex friends on the afternoon train. The bounds were clearly set, they are neighbors, and my wife has met both of them, and we occasionally get together socially with spouses. In fact, my wife has often asked, "Did you see Kathy today?". So. And I've had platonic relationships at other times in my life as well, and they worked just fine.

But you can't help your feelings, and by the time you realize it, well...

Grandfather indeed!

Zach, do you own the book Surviving an Affair?

Have you read the Basic Concepts on this site?

Are you listening to the Marriage Builders Radio show, daily?

Have you told your wife about the woman you developed feelings for? Will your wife post here?

We have a plan here from Dr. Harley that you and your wife can follow to put love back into your marriage.

Have you read this?

Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?

You can have all of that with your wife if you follow the plan here.


It is, if you want to restore love in your marriage.


Not sufficient, if you want to restore love in your marriage.

And this. The Risk of Opposite-sex Friendships in Marriage

You can call it what you want, it is inappropriate behavior for a married man. It is the kind of behavior that wrecks lives. A married shouldn't be in a situation where he is "attracted" to another woman.


That is the approach of a freeloader:


The freeloader will always have a bad marriage because he does nothing to maintain it.

People with great, passionate marriages have a buyers approach:


Just imagine how your house would look if you never did anything to maintain it. I don't know how you think you can have a great marriage and only "do what comes naturally." You have neglected your marriage in every way and you can see the result. If you spent this kind of time with your wife, you would be attracted to her too.


A grandfather is old enough to know better. He is old enough to know how to behave like a married man.


This is how affairs happen. Affairs happen when married people have opposite sex friendships. You have very barely missed a bullet here and if your pregnant friend did not stop you, you would be into a full fledged affair, which will wreck your life.

You are being a fool, Sir. Of course you can help your feelings. You should protect your marriage from your "feelings" by avoiding opposite sex friendships.

Do you want to have a great, passionate, romantic marriage with your wife? We can help you do this if you will listen.

Then you need to show your wife this thread. She needs to know that your inappropriate boundaries with women have brought you to the edge of an affair with a married woman. Hopefully she will see the danger, since you apparently do not.

You got clipped by a car playing chicken and you won't be so lucky the next time. The solution to getting hit by a car is to get your butt out of the road, not to continue to risk your marriage by bragging about your past successes.

Your best plan of action would be to simply tell your wife that you have developed romantic feelings for another woman but you never acted on them, and that you plan to never have contact with her again; that you want a wonderful marriage in which she would be the only one you would want. And that she would desire you, too.

Then you would be wise to institute extraordinary precautions immediately. We would all have affairs if we left ourselves open to someone else who meets any one of our ENs. I understand that you did not have an affair, but you allowed yourself to develop feelings for someone else that makes it just about impossible for your wife to compete with. No spouse should have to compete with another person.

You are sixty years old with young adult children. You are only a few years older than we are. We have grandchildren. We had a very UNsatisfying, UNromantic marriage for many years. The last four years have been the best of our entire marriage. So building a great marriage is possible. Just because you are sixty doesn't mean you are facing a lifetime of dull. You will need to lead the way to creating a better marriage, since you are the one who is here. Start by making sure she doesn't have to ever compete with any women.

We made our marriage safe by agreeing never to have close personal friendships with the opposite sex. It's too easy to cross over from platonic feelings to romantic feelings.