How did your first marriage end?

Please, I am 30, and would consider 60 "old" in perspective. I agree, you are mistaking her friendliness for more. Which is why those conversations shouldn't happen - that energy should be directed to your wife.

I sense a lot of hostility. Are you an angry person? Are you blaming your wife for no sex? You said you have ED. Do you treat your wife romantically?

"A married man should not be in a position to be attracted to anyone."? Yes, I would agree with that, and would plead guilty as charged, had I been going on a dating website, cruising a singles bar, or in any way actively trying to find something. But how can you ignore what is right in front of your eyes? Every day, in my comings and goings downtown, you see hundreds, no, thousands of attractive women. Any normal male who denies this is a liar. I did not look for this... one morning, making my way through the pedway walking from the train station to the office, I held the door open for a woman coming up behind me. As there are lots of doors in the pedway, and she remained about 10 paces behind, there were a lot of doors, and then we recognize each other from the train, and it is as natural as drawing your next breath to strike up a conversation. Is there something wrong with that? And certainly, it is natural to walk together after that, after all, who doesn't enjoy another's company? Of course, over time, well, it is natural to develop feelings. By the time you realize it... you are hooked. No one's fault.

The Harleys will tell you "it's our job to protect our love banks from the wrong people making love bank deposits".

You did not protect your love bank. It's that plain and simple.

Have you read about the love bank?

Have you read this?

It's your fault. Just because you weren't trolling for it, doesn't mean you are not culpable. You CONTINUED the relationship after the initial attraction. I am attracted to other men all the time initially. I don't develop relationships with them. Therefore, I don't cheat.

It is very natural for people who are married to fall in love with someone else. Affairs are so common; Dr. Harley estimates that about 60% of all marriages have suffered from infidelity.

It's natural to be attracted to someone, of course. That's why married people must take extra special care to avoid personal contact with people to whom they are attracted. Why? Because it's so natural for one thing to lead to another.

The problem with that, of course, is that what naturally happens when one step leads to another is a disaster for the betrayed spouse(s.) It's a disaster for the children. Very often, children remain estranged from their unfaithful parent for life. Most betrayed spouses say that the pain from their spouse's affair is the worst thing of their life.

The way to avoid this is to recognize that it's easy to be attracted to someone you aren't married to and to therefore avoid getting into personal conversations with members of the opposite sex.

It's not "no one's fault." You allowed this to happen day by day.

We each need to protect our marriage, because it HURTS to find out your spouse has fallen in love with someone else. It HURTS like hell.

You should tell your wife you are very attracted to another woman and then you need to never contact that person again. Your marriage can be wonderful, but not if you are in love with someone else.

How did your first marriage end?

My first wife had a severe drinking problem. We married when I was 25, she was 27. Stayed married close to 7 years. I spent two years in Al-Anon. She was hospitalized three times, DT's, and had to be dried out. Although we divorced, she ultimately died, I believe it was a suicide, but I don't know for sure. It's really hard to evaluate married life, and ones own fitness as a marital partner, in a situation as distorted as that one.

To a 30 year old, 60 does seem old. I'll let you in on a secret, you get to 60, you don't feel like 60. You just feel like you.

I married my wife 25 years ago. In 1990. Our first years were the most consistently happy of my life. The best way I can describe it, you meet someone, you form an US, and you start to furnish the US with companionship, then affection, and finally, intimacy. And you see it is good, and you want to make it permanent, which we did, by getting married. For a while it was fine, and then, for reasons I'm not 100% sure of, it declined. First the intimacy, later the affection, and even the companionship. THe last time we made love was when our youngest was conceived, and he's turning 16 in May. Whwn we married, I was a smoker, which she hated. I quit in 1996, which was good, but put on quite a bit of weight, that could be one of the reasons for the decline. I'm sure it didn't help my sexual ability at all.

The last time I attempted anything with her was about 2003, and it was her saying to me "do you really want to do this?" that really killed it off. Her mother became ill at this time, and that took up a lot of her time and energy. One thing I'd hoped for over the years is once things settled down, we'd try again to resurrect things. Well, mom died in 2009. Then we had problems with our older kids. There was no resurrection of our love life. In 2013, I, through diet and exercise, dropped all my excess weight and then some, lost 75 pounds, and managed to keep it off. I'm slimmer now than I was when I was 25. She's told me, during arguments, that she preferred me fat, even though I suffer from high blood pressure and have been diagnosed as diabetic.

Amazingly, in late 2013, all of a sudden, I managed to matriculate 4 opposite sex friends on the train, without even trying. Three have been strictly platonic, two my wife knows about, and has met. INdeed, I think I mentioned in one of my replies my wife often asks, "Did you see Kathy on the train today?"

I never, ever tried to cause anything to happen with the one I developed the feelings for, call her J. And I never really believed anything would develop. Considering what she went through with her divorce, and all of that, there'd be just too many hurdles, too many issues, and besides, I really do not think I want another wife. A special someone or someone's, yes, but I'm done with marriage, if this marriage ends, I'm done. I don't want to be shackled to someone, and to work to make things work.

J joined me every morning, I don't go chasing after her. And she does 80% of the talking. Hell, earlier this winter, she sold girl scout cookies for her daughter at her office, and I helped haul the cookies with her, for two weeks, we had cartons of cookies every day, and glad to do it. I never pushed anything. There was always that little hope though, and that made it worth getting up in the morning. God help me, it did. I don't "love" her, I don't know her well enough for that. I had no intention of trying to replace her husband. I would never intentionally interfere with her's or anyone else's life. But if she made the decision, well, that's different.

Maybe I should do penance, by not ending things. Just sit there, every morning, for the next 5 months, and listen to her pregnancy updates. How her kids are adjusting to it. All of that. Oh, that would be penance. Yes indeed, because, after this development, all the talk that passed between us, and what I perceived as mixed signals, has proven to be nothing but superficial chatter, and I'm hurtin' for certain over that.

If I could take a pill that would kill off all my romantic longing and wanting completely, render me asexual, I would. THis is all a whole lot more trouble than it is worth, but, like any unmet appetite, assumes an exaggerated importance when it isn't satisfied.

Direct my energies towards my wife? Yeah, that's sensible. My wife is not a bad person, and she still has many qualities I admire. She's a wonderful business partner, she's done absolutely great with our finances. But you know, if we had a banner year and doubled our net worth this year, it wouldn't change a thing. To me, money is a means to an end, not an end in itself.

Earlier this year, I pointed out to my wife that its been 20 years since the last time we went away alone together. Let that sink in, 20 years. You were 10 the last time we went away together alone, and it was only for a weekend. I suggested, since things were opening up in Cuba, that for our 25th, we take a trip there. She rejected that idea, too expensive. What good is money, right? Anyway, I asked her then, to tell me what she would like to do for our 25th. THat was early January, and in spite of several reminders, she's yet to suggest a thing. SHe's vaguely said yes, we should do something... but hasn't said what.

One of the arguments we get into, is that I don't believe anyone is entitled to anything. Whether it be by accident of birth, or vows we took x number of years ago, I stick with you when you make my world a better place, when you meet at least some of my needs. And I'm motivated to meet your needs to ensure you'll continue to meet mine. I think that's fair. Nothing is 100%, 100% of the time. Of course not. But no affection in 15 years??? Is it any wonder I'm attracted to J? Is it any wonder, although I keep myself to myself and have never tried anything, that I long to have something with her? Do you honestly blame me? I'm a decent man, at least, I thought I was. Now I really don't know who I am. It is a relief just to talk with someone, even like this.

You know, one of the supreme ironies in all of this is one of the ways I get through my weekends is I drink. I may well end up an alcoholic like my first wife. Wouldn't she be amused by that? Wanna hear something funny? That Kathy I mentioned? Last fall, she and her husband invited us over for a wine tasting party. I don't know, could be a combination of circumstance, but I have no recollection of how that evening ended. I just remember waking up in my chair, blood all over my shirt. Apparently, I had too much, and I passed out in her shrubbery outside her house.

God, I never thought 60 would be anything like this.

Oh, and, yeah, you are right. I always doubted my perception of reality when it came to J. There's what's real, combined with what I want to see, and what I expect to see. I know that. I don't know what you mean by "treat my wife romantically". I haven't made a move towards her since 2003. I'm not an angry person, but am becoming a bitter one. In this marriage, I was a good husband. I did everything asked of me. And more. I gave, and, well, you know my tale now.

And I do thank you for listening, and for your kind remarks.

Are you just not going to answer our questions?

Do you want to follow this program? Or are you here to blog?

Not only did you allow a married woman to meet your needs by developing a friendship with her, but you even went out on dates with her. You put yourself in that position. When you get married, the competition is supposed to be closed. You were open for business. Very inappropriate. So it is very much your fault.

You know its wrong, or you wouldn't be hiding it from your wife.

You know, you make me sound like some sort of predator, which I most certainly am not. I did not chase after this woman, call her J. She joined me every morning, not the other way around. And she did 80% of the talking. I just simply allowed things to happen, didn't to cause them to happen. Just my pathetic luck what actually happened.

I really resent your references to "grandfather". I am no one's grandfather. I have news for you, when you get to this age, as you assuredly will, you'll discover it doesn't change you, you are still the you that you have always been. Do I deserve to be segregated into a special category simply because I've celebrated x number of birthdays? Do I surrender my membership to the human race, or to being a male? I wrote a rather lengthy reply to someone else's comment that might give a little more insight into what's what here.

And no one, particularly me, ever said anything about "love". I don't know J well enough to say I love her. That's absurd. Likewise, I never suggested she ditch her husband, actually, my wish was for him to remain where he was, maintain the status quo and all. I don't even know what I'd want with her, other than just a little affection, which I haven't gotten at home in too many years. I realize I could easily be confused between what is real, what I want to see, and what I expect to see.

My wife could go with anyone she wants to. If she can find happiness with someone that I can't deliver, why not? And that, my friend, is the true definition of love in my book.

I don't know what J knows, and what she doesn't know. I plan to simply tell her that, I don't feel comfortable in this new reality, and it's time for me to exit. I hate doing it, but there's really no choice.

When I started dating my wife, about 6 months after my divorce... well, my divorce rendered me a financial corpse, to use the old joke, I was so broke I couldn't afford to pay attention. I'd lost an earlier girlfriend, once she realized I couldn't support her and her son, she said good bye. No one is required to submit a financial statement by the third date into a relationship, it was none of her business at that time, but I knew if the relationship developed it would be, and I preferred, for her sake as well as mine, to find out if it is a show stopper early on. Likewise here... once J knew the way things were going, after the warm sentiment I expressed for her, I think she had an obligation to say something, not let things progress on and on. And the only reason she revealed it at that time, is she remarked she was on the verge of the flu, and I suggested she see her doctor for an antibiotic, and she said she can't, she's pregnant. Just like that. Everything between us instantly became superficial and meaningless. That was Tuesday. Didn't have much to say after that. Wednesday I was poor company. Thursday I took a different train. TOday I was going to tell her goodbye, but she didn't show up.

How can we help you?

Naw, that is the definition of someone who doesn't give a damn anymore. Has nothing to do with love.

Wrong, it's a full-on emotional affair. In many ways a far worse betrayal than physical contact.

Perhaps you should tell your wife that you are considering divorcing her.
That you feel that she doesn't hear your complaints about the lack of romance and companionship and can no longer live in a marriage where neither of those things exist anymore.

Bet she will be hurt and perhaps flippant and then.......maybe then.....she will realize that things must change for the better.

Maybe not but it would give your wife a chance to have a wake up call that she deserves as your wife.

Meanwhile, big whoop that at 60 you are still you........stop interacting with married women and building intimate friendships with them.

Face your marriage by being honest with your wife and then create change. With or without her.

Beg to differ. I've always felt that way. Love is putting someone else's happiness ahead of your own.

Well, if that were true, you'd be in love with your wife. Are you?

Once again, people are hearing things I'm not saying. I believe in one of my replies, I clearly stated I didn't want another divorce. We might get to that point, but if I wanted to jump to that point right now I would.

See, This may sound funny, but I don't consider myself good marital material, and the worst thing that I could do would be to divorce, turn my world upside down, find someone new, and create the very thing I have now, assuming I live long enough to accomplish that. I don't believe in entitlements. Just because someone is a family member, either through blood or through law, the same principle applies. In this website, it is referred to as the Love Bank, and as long as we have a positive balance, we are good, and if we fall below, and stay there, sure, depending on what you have invested, and marriage and kids is certainly the biggest emotional investment anyone can have, you try to fix it, but eventually, if it doesn't change and that Love Bank balance get back up to where it belongs, it becomes time to move on.