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Do you go to church with OM? NO! Thank goodness!
fWW - 40
BH - 40
D-Day - Nov 2014
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[/quote]
That betrayed wife has as much right to know as your betrayed husband did. ^^^^exactly The OM's BW deserves to know the truth about her marriage. She is a victim as much as your BH is. Also, have you been tested for STDs? [/quote] I understand and have thought a lot about this. My H presented his desire to tell her to our church counselor in anger, and I think it came across as a form of revenge. I get the different motivation and I have a new kind of empathy for her now. I will have to figure out how to approach this with him. Yes, we've both been tested for STDs.
fWW - 40
BH - 40
D-Day - Nov 2014
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Okay, I am taking to heart what you all are saying about telling OM's wife. I have no doubt the intentions from my church were good, but I see what you are saying. Ugh, we are so ready to put this behind us.
fWW - 40
BH - 40
D-Day - Nov 2014
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Will your BH come here and post?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Okay, I am taking to heart what you all are saying about telling OM's wife. I have no doubt the intentions from my church were good, but I see what you are saying. Ugh, we are so ready to put this behind us. The betrayed wife has a right to know what her H has been doing. He has very likely been distant and even mean and nasty with her during his affair and she never knew why. She needs to know so she can protect herself and possibly recover her marriage. You don't have to make telling her a huge ordeal. Just send her a letter and let her know that you had an affair with her H, that you are deeply sorry, and thought that she ought to know. You could tell her about MB.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Is there something out there published that can give us ideas of how to meet the need for affection? This is really something the two of you are going to have to work through yourself. You will need to brainstorm ideas, and maybe even try some ideas for awhile with the agreement that you'll decide later if you like it. The thing is, what my husband likes for affection, your husband may not. What I enjoy doing for my husband, you may not enjoy. So it has to be the two of you who come up with ideas, and try them. How are lovebusters between you two?
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Do you go to church with OM? NO! Thank goodness! Does he live in the same town as you?
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Do you go to church with OM? NO! Thank goodness! Does he live in the same town as you? We live in a fairly large city, though my family is in a suburb. So yes, kind of. But not likely to run into each other.
fWW - 40
BH - 40
D-Day - Nov 2014
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When will you be telling OMBW?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Southern,
Re: having the affair-partner's spouse be made aware, several people have made the good point that the other betrayed spouse has a right to know about the affair. I think your church stumbled in advising you to sweep it under the carpet as far as the other couple was concerned. From what I read, Godly love for a fellow man probably doesn't delight in a coverup. I'm not sure if the guiding principle there was "Don't rat" (sounds more like mafia ethos) or "What they don't know won't hurt 'em" (which is just some stupid saying that someone made up), but neither of these lines of thought have much of an ethical basis to recommend 'em, and it sounds like your church has gotten confused about that.
Setting aside the decency argument, though, and focusing on your marriage, there's also a self-interested, practical reason to let OMW know -- namely, for your husband's benefit, in that the other man's wife is in best position to keep watchful eyes on his conduct, and to tip your husband off if this other man falls off the wagon vis-�-vis you. In short, her knowledge puts in place an additional barrier against resumption of contact & resumption of the affair. That can help to provide an extra measure of reassurance for your husband.
BTW, this is not something to be done behind your husband's back. Your husband needs to have assurance that you're not surreptitiously seeking to contact the affair partner. Learning for the first time from OMW about a letter you sent to their house, or an email you sent to an address associated with them, wouldn't likely set your husband's mind at ease as a first reaction. So be smart about how you go about this.
Besides that, there's also a 'trigger' aspect to any dealings that either of you have with the other family. While it'll be good for your husband to have the extra assurance of knowing that the OM is under another pair of eyes, once the info is conveyed and his wife has been clued in, then you & your husband will be right to resume keeping them out of your lives & out of your thoughts altogether.
In that regard, I would absolutely not suggest that you direct the other couple to MB, as part of your correspondence. MB is a resource for your marriage -- you shouldn't do anything that would lead you to think of it as a place where, just maybe, your OM is reading, even if he doesn't know the real names of the posters. (If in the 21st century, they can't find marriage-support websites on their own, there's no helping them anyway.) Helping them is the least & last of your concerns. You & your husband have a full-enough plate as it is -- especially if you're not getting in 15 hours' UA time. You have exactly zero brain-bandwidth to spare on anyone else's marriage right now, and no mental latitude to be giving any thought whatsoever to how they're doing.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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I was so relieved when I found out about the A - it wasn't my fault and I knew what to do to protect myself.
I would show your H the NC letter and tell him he can contact OMW and reassure her that it's over on your end as she can have the letter signed by you and that your contact details are changed now. She still needs to recover her marriage and prevent other affairs.
Your church may know enough MB to make marriages happy (not hard really - date more!) But they dont know Jack about the pain a woman is in when she knows, on every level but the conscious one, that she has been stabbed and can't figure out where the wound is.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Your conscience is right. Your husband's protective instincts were right.
The church are just being very uninformed and timid.
If not actually evil. It's appalling to me a church would advise a cover up where the woman is left to her pain.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I would call it a form of evil, to be honest.
It is sacrificing the truth for the sake of someone's pride. It does not edify someone if you try to support them by withholding the truth.
It breaks my heart when I see churches act this way about this issue. I don't seem to remember "thou shalt not rock the boat" in my reading of the Bible.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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***EDIT***
Last edited by Toujours; 03/25/15 04:22 PM. Reason: TOS: Non-MB advice
non
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This is a reminder to posters to please post using Marriage Builders principles, or refrain from posting.
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