I've been married for 23 yrs, have 4 children (one married),and for the first 18 yrs, was a stay-at-home mom, and home-schooled my kids. I can honestly say that I don't remember ever being happy in my marriage.

During the 18 yrs I was home with the kids, of course, I didn't earn my own money. But he didn't give me any either. In those early years we went many places together, even shopping. I remember times I put something in the shopping cart that I wanted, and he'd take it out & put it back. So as far back as I can remember, I felt like his money was HIS and not OURS; and that I had no say so. This hurt my feelings deeply, and I felt like he treated me like a 2-year old that he was the boss of.

Even the times that I was out by myself & bought something I wanted, when I got home he'd look at the receipt, get angry and say, "what did you buy that for? You didn't need that, did you? You're going to pay me back for that, aren't you?"

For years I asked him to give me money, let him know how his behavior upset me, but it never stopped. On the occasions I tried to discuss things with him, he'd keep his face in the book I was reading, and act like I wasn't there, never saying a word. Sometimes when my back was turned, he'd walk out of the room like I never even spoke to him. So being hurt and being ignored for almost 2 decades took its toll on me emotionally...severe stress, depressed, and chest pains.

Then, maybe 7 yrs ago, he was deployed to Iraq, and for 9 months I could buy myself something without the fear he'd see the receipt, and rail on me, demanding I pay him back. Well, I believe while he was gone, that was the least stressful time of my married life. And then he came home; and I didn't fare well emotionally when things went back to that abusive way. A couple years later, I realized that he wasn't changing so I was! I couldn't take it anymore, told him I was putting the kids in a private school and getting a job. I wouldn't even discuss it with him. I said "they're going to school, and I'm not talking anymore about it." They started school, and a couple months later I got a part-time job that allowed me to work the hours between dropping them off for school and picking them up.

The issue over money plus my feelings being ignored has hurt, scarred, and destroyed any affectionate or loving feelings I should have for him. I don't love and don't even like him, can't stand to be around him, don't want him going places with me, and hate the weekends when he is home. I can't even stand to hear his voice. Also, we haven't had any physical contact of any kind since last July, and I'm happy with it. I felt used for so long anyway.

I just need to know, what would you do in my situation? Should a marriage like mind be endured "for the sake of the kids"?

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

No, no marriage should just be endured for the sake of the kids. Marriages worse off than yours have been turned around using the Marriage Builders program. So, what I would do if I were you is invite him to join this program with you and work to rebuild a marriage better than you ever had.

And if he refuses, I would leave him.

Read these articles:
When To Call It Quits, Part 1
When To Call It Quits, Part 2

I have the marriage books (His Needs Her Needs, Love and Respect) and within the past few years, we met with a couple of pastors for counseling. The counseling made me feel more despair and hopelessness. Now I am at the point, and have been for awhile, where I care nothing for working things out with him. I don't love him nor do I want to.

Then separate and divorce.

FWIW, counselors have a horrible track record when it comes to saving marriages. They don't know what they are doing. We went to several ourselves, and by the time my husband brought me to marriage builders I was done. Marriage Builders actually works, though.

Did you read the articles?

I agree that it can work: but it takes two. I've read articles on this site for years. We've read books on marriage. But his habitual practice of avoiding me has pushed me away emotionally. Over two decades of disconnect kills all intimacy. And truthfully, I don't want to work on the marriage. I tried so hard for so long; but things never got better. I am past hurt, anger, and resentment. I just don't respect or love him. To care about repairing a marriage first takes loving your spouse.

There are three states of marriage; romantic love, conflict and withdrawal. You have withdrawn from the marriage as a way of protecting yourself. There is a way back to romantic love available to you.

Please believe me when I say that you do not need to love your spouse first to want to repair your marriage, you need to decide to tackle the problems. Repairing what you have is going to be better for you both and better for your children, no matter how tempting the idea of just divorcing him might seem at the moment.

I am a firm believer that nobody discovers Marriage Builders by chance. We are all sent here. Read the books, start listening to Marriage builders radio and get your head around what a good marriage looks like starting with the way Dr Harley and his wife talk to one another even when they disagree during radio broadcasts. This programme is deeply based on mutual respect. Very different from anything you have experienced but it does not mean that you cannot get there if you are both willing.

Of course it takes two but you are going to have to entice him. You can do this. The fact that you put your children into school and got a job says that you have what it takes to make changes. Many years of ingrained habits and fears (on both sides) can be turned around once he sees what is in it for him.

Give it a try, you have nothing to lose and plenty to gain. If it does not work out, you will still have the tools you need to make a success of any future relationships.

I put the kids in school over 5 years ago. If things were going to get better they already would have. For two decades I tried to resolve & work on things. I tried to convey my needs to him. I tried to find a way to break down his walls, but, like you said, it takes two. My "withdrawal" was a last resort & it is not changing. The emotional connection is gone & I don't want it back.

I don't have Indie's talent with words. What I should have said was that 'you had the courage to do that so the ability to make necessary changes is within your power'. You can do this



Please believe me when I say that most of your story could have been mine. But you did not have Marriage Builders then and you do now. That makes all the difference in the world. The posters here will help you define your boundaries. Either you will be able to bring your husband on board or you won't. But this is something new, you have not tried this yet. Will you give it a chance?

The specific articles my wife Prisca posted to you will give you great advice on how to call it quits in your marriage. Did you read them?

I don't think anybody is trying to tell you that it can work.

If you've asked your husband to try Marriage Builders and told him what's wrong and he's said no, Dr. Harley suggests you separate.

The articles Prisca posted to you will tell you how to take that next step, and we'd love to help you.

What Prisca would do, and what I would do, is essentially offer him one last chance - let him know that you are not in love with him any more and that he can let you know if he would like to change that. If he says yes, you give him Marriage Builders and let him run with it. If he says no, you separate. You don't threaten to separate; you simply separate.

If you'd rather skip giving him one last chance that is fine as well.

Either way, at this point it is HIS job to step up and change your feelings for him, if that's what he wants to do. He can do that and chooses not to, and as long as it looks like he is going to choose not to, you should be preparing for separation.

What can we help you with?

Trying isn't in the scenario anymore.

I have known about and read these articles on this website years ago. I have books on the shelf on marriage, read them all, and have owned the book "His Needs Her Needs" for at least a decade. I just never joined the forums until yesterday. I tried "bringing him on board" for years and years. But it was me trying, me changing, me adapting, me sucking it up, me being ignored.

Stlyn, are you reading my posts?

Right, and everybody on this thread is saying that it is either his turn to do that, or you separate.

Are you good with that? Is that what you want? That's what we would all recommend and would like to help you with.

I don't think it will be very helpful for you to have read the When to Call it Quits articles years ago! I would suggest you read them immediately and get started on your Plan B.

I think it's safe to assume that ball has been in his court for a long time now.

Markos, pertaining to your statement, "What Prisca would do, and what I would do, is essentially offer him one last chance - let him know that you are not in love with him any more and that he can let you know if he would like to change that."

What if he asks me "what can I do?" or "what do you want me to do?" I can't answer that for him because first of all, I don't believe there's anything he CAN do. And for him to ask that is him throwing the ball back in MY court. Plus, I can't answer that because it would be the same as I've always done, my trying to tell him things that upset me, me trying to convey my needs. I'm not that person anymore. Not with him anyway.

The articles suggest that you try this only for a brief period of time, not years and years and years.


You need to get out of there yesterday!

What are you doing to prepare for Plan B?

A month, Stlyn, a month! Why in the world did you let it go on like that for years and years instead of following the advice in the articles?

Okay, so as I said, don't offer that to him, then. Just separate and go to Plan B.

It feels to me like you are only reading part of my posts.

How about books on marriage plus the website? I am not his instructor and shouldn't have to speak to him about the things I've already tried speaking to him about. It will be me trying, him avoiding, me being ignored. If he were going to change anything he would have already. But I will say that you're right & I need to tell him that I don't love him anymore and ask him if he would like to change that.