I'm sure my feelings are in no way unique, and it does give me some comfort to know that. It also gives me some level of confidence that we can recover, if we choose that path.

I'm not sure why you are concluding that there is nothing you can do. You need to keep this problem on the front burner - keep bringing it up. Don't just drop it and try to make things work without it.

But while you are deciding you need to be in Plan A so she has good memories of you. Otherwise you are damaging your chances of recovery.

If you truly want to keep both options available to you, then you need to be in either Plan A or Plan B. Otherwise it's like you are burning the house down while trying to decide if you want to stay in the house.

What are your WW's reasons for not moving.

She doesn't want to deal with moving. She doesn't want to uproot our child. She doesn't feel a move is necessary for us to recover, and that if it doesn't work, it would just be a waste of money. It's a bunch of garbage.

Just like she doesn't want to seek any sort of therapy, counseling, or work recovery plan. She feels that it is enough for now that she is no longer in contact with OM and that she hasn't left with the baby. The latter is meaningless because by law I could have my daughter back in a matter of days. She will not meet any more of my requests. I have met every one of hers, including her requests to back off from trying to set up UA time and show her affection, which I feel are counter productive. She says she is not "ready". I don't know what she's waiting for, unless she just wants me to be the one to say it's over.

She may get that wish sooner rather than later.

EH

And all of that could change with a good 6 month Plan A.
That's what Plan A is for.

You need to make up your mind -- the longer you put off Plan A, the less likely your marriage will ever recover.

EddieHead, have you contacted Dr. Harley?

Hello Eddie,

I feel badly for what you're going thru.

***EDIT***

the suggestion by Markos to engage in counseling with Harley is good. I think you need professional MB guidance or at least advice now in making your decisions.

***EDIT***

Prayers,
Tom

Tom,
Thank you. I do not feel pressured. I greatly appreciate and give consideration to all the advice being given from all who are willing to help. Most of it has been very useful, even if I can not follow it directly. I do agree though that at this point it's best if I seek professional help.

Thank you again everyone. I know you all have the best intentions and want to help me restore my marriage, or at very least decide whether or not to try.

EH

There is a big difference piglet. The difference is genital parts. If you have female parts you receive more leniency from the courts than If you have male parts, despite supreme court rulings. It is sexism at its worst.

She wants to be near her lover.

They have probably been meeting in parking lots for weeks, using cell phones.
my wife (now divorced) used pre paid cell phones to be in contact with her lover after a supposed commitment to end her affair.
They are very affordable and even if you find out, she can get another one for $5.
You have no chance at recovery until she commits to no contact.

If you email Dr. Harley, as some suggested, he will likely give you the advice in his book Surviving An Affair and advice Plan A for 6 months. Listen, I understand you dont like her and you have every right not to. But Harley would encourage you to consider Plan A for the sake of your child.
As terrible as your wife has become, there is hope for recovery IF you follow his methods in Surviving An Affair exactly. This includes moving AFTER she commits to writing a No Contact letter.

Tom, you are giving terrible advice. There is quite a bit of urgency here, and Eddie needs to make a decision. Every day he stays in limbo instead of doing Plan A, his wife drifts further away and recovery becomes that much more impossible. He has been in limbo for MONTHS trying to figure out what he wants to do.

To tell a BH to take his time is a marriage killer. That is like telling a man to sit around in a burning house while he tries to figure out if he really wants to leave or not. Action is paramount here.

Really, Tom, the last thing he needs is encouragement to dawdle any longer.

I'm not sure it had anything to do with my lady parts. He hasn't taken me to court and I doubt he ever will. It just had to do with wanting to be near his AP without my interference and the responsibility of his kid. This was a man who was literally one of the most dedicated dads ever. I counted myself so lucky that he had such a strong family commitment and for me it made up for what he lacked in financial commitment (now he is failing on all fronts, obviously). All I am saying is that he wants his ap more than his kid, so he screamed a lot and then did nothing when I actually did it.

So true. Really listen to Prisca.

I was going to make another suggestion to Eddie and I saw your post. I'm surprised at you Jedi! You usually post pretty straight and on-spot comments. From what I can sense Eddie seems to have the bases covered in terms of his wife running off with their daughter. And, I think he is well aware of why his wife doesn't want to move. **edit**

Eddie, you mentioned your pride as an obstacle to attempting a Plan A to attempt to recover your marriage. In football, which I am a fan of, the 'pride' of an O-line or D-line player is intact until he makes a mistake or misjudges and the opposing player sets him on his [censored], and a QB is sacked, or an opposing RB gashes the defense for a big gain. But, the good player gets up, dusts himself off, resets, digs in, and on the next play knocks the opposing player on his [censored]. Why does he make such an effort on that next play - yea it's partly because his pride was hurt, but I think it's also because of trying to recover and contribute to a win for his team!

Football players get pretty upset when an opposing player knocks them down. Bh's should get more upset when an OM knocks the husband on his [censored] by intruding on his marriage, and brainwashes his wife. Unfortunately a lot of BH's don't get up and fight back when knocked down this way.

Eddie, I know you're very upset and undecided now. You've been knocked on your [censored] and you're not sure if your W is worth playing the rest of the game. That is entirely your decision. However, the opposing player in your case is not your wife ( yes, she made a bad decision to betray you) - it is the OM. You need to get back in the game and when you take your three-point stance you need to continue to go after this OM. You also need to continue to insist on the conditions to recover your marriage - i.e., the no-contact letter as well as not further contact as you monitor it, transparency, further exposure if contact continues, and relocation for you and your family. IF you choose to recover your marriage by using these steps, I feel you will need some coaching from Dr. Harley. I think also that you will need to make monthly evaluations as you go.

I think it would be good if Dr. Harley commented on tis as well.

Good luck and prayers,
Tom

**edit**

moderator's note: stop disrupting this thread by chastising other posters. If you have something to add, then add it, but don't pick fights with the other contributors.

Yes,
Please no more fighting and anger on my account. I've caused and endured enough of that in the last three months. I'm sorry to have been the source of such controversy here.

For what it's worth, I was working Plan A for the first few months. The primary issue I am having is that most of my wife's requests have been making Plan A more difficult. Much of my abandonment of the plan is by her request. She does not want UA time out of the home. She does not want me to show her affection, and she is not comfortable with intimacy.

Most of my attempts to do these things are met with awkwardness and requests to back off.

I've therefore had to strip down plan A to some more remedial parts to comply with my wife's requests. Watching TV with her, spending time with our daughter, and backing off when she needs space.

This is my struggle. I feel I cannot properly work plan A because my wife doesn't want to be loved, at least not by me.

EH

Eddie, if you customize the plans yourself I can pretty much guarantee you are going to lose your marriage.

Why don't you talk to Dr. Harley and find out if this is a good idea?

Eddie, did you listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show for Wednesday?

There is a wealth of information in the show for men with a wife like yours. I know because I had a wife like yours, and I learned how to save my marriage by listening to the show day in and day out for years.