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I don't think this is simply an issue about masturbation.
I've experienced a sexless marriage as well because of my wife's low drive and no sane man is going to choose masturbating over actually having sex with a woman. I hated being in that position, I would have done anything to get my wife more interested and ended up in a situation like yours where we couldn't talk about it because it made her upset.
I have a feeling when you snoop you will find the source of the problem, assuming his T count isn't low when the tests from the doctor come back. Something is amiss here.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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I don't think this is simply an issue about masturbation.
I've experienced a sexless marriage as well because of my wife's low drive and no sane man is going to choose masturbating over actually having sex with a woman. You might think that, but according to Dr. Harley a very common scenario is that a man prefers pornography and self-stimulation over sex with his wife because it requires less effort from him than making an enjoyable sexual experience for his wife. That's why the first thing Dr. Harley recommends for low sex drive in men is the elimination of all sexual experiences not involving his wife. Most often, it's the solution. If not there are additional things to go on and try like having testosterone levels AND UPTAKE checked. She should complain about his self-stimulation and keep the problem on the front burner, bringing it up until he stops it.
Last edited by markos; 03/24/15 08:26 PM.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I may be the odd duck then. It's just hard for me to imagine a man considering that a good trade if there aren't other issues afoot.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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She should complain about his self-stimulation and keep the problem on the front burner, bringing it up until he stops it. I agree with that totally. Didn't mean to suggest otherwise, sorry.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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I may be the odd duck then. It's just hard for me to imagine a man considering that a good trade if there aren't other issues afoot. I'm on odd duck on a couple of Dr. Harley's points myself.  But apparently this one is very common. I can easily see how I could've gotten this way myself early in our marriage.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I may be the odd duck then. It's just hard for me to imagine a man considering that a good trade if there aren't other issues afoot. Not an odd duck, you've just never had that particular habit! Whenever Dr H gets emails from women who are not getting any he always tends to say a) the culprit is usually porn and b) a lot of the men listening to her getting turned down in her lingerie probably think this guy is crazy. But he reiterates that porn is so easy that to addicts, it makes sex with women seem like hard work. Truly, the older I get the more I think that evil is an intelligent force with a sick sense of humour. That a man can be tricked into swapping a willing woman for some bored actress on film is truly a con job. I've noticed that a lot of women who come on here suffering an affair still have a sexually interested husband. Not all, but a good many. He will have sex with his wife as well as OW. However porn addiction seems to rob them of sex drive entirely because porn is such a different experience and is so much easier. The thing about this poster's experience which flags up porn to me is : he gives up after 20 minutes of kissing and stimulation. But he gets frustrated when I am not "ready" after 20 minutes. If she was his only access to naked lady fun time, he wouldn't view these 20 minutes as hard work. He'd be savouring them. I think it's enormously sad this poster knows she has a deadline to becoming aroused and that must make it impossible.
Last edited by indiegirl; 03/25/15 04:06 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I have brought up that I am unfulfilled about 2 times a year for the past five years. It is the only argument we have, and I am always the one to bring it up, which isn't fun for me. Neither of us enjoys confrontation, but it appears he hears my complaint, promises to attempt more intimicay, then he inevitably goes back to the same as before.
We have had very romantic dates that lead to nowhere, (also note, nothing happened on the honeymoon).
so for him, I guess, sex and intimacy are separate. I think he is satisfied just cuddling on the couch., i don't know why. For while, I had stopped cuddling, seeing if that would change things, that didn't work either.
I think I will have to start taking showers with him as suggested, that is really great advice, because if he has to shower with me, then he has to confront his issue head on. I am going to try this for sure.
Also, I cannot put spyware on his computers, (even if i had the password to his comp) he would notice it since he works as IT for a living. And i'm pretty sure he has anti-virus programs on there.
If the shower idea does not work, I will ask him to go to porn anonymous.
Also, he has finally (finally!) agreed to get his testosterone levels checked in the next month when he goes to the doctor for a local check up.
To quote him in our last fight, which was about 3 months ago, "I don't masturbate all the time, just the day before we try to conceive, so we have a better chance".
Well, I guess the showering together idea will at least let me see what's really going on. You have been with this guy for several years now, married under a year, and this scenario has pretty much always been the case with him - little interest in a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with you, his wife. What made you decide to marry him? Marriage Builders isn't about marriage at all costs; it's about a partnership of equals who take extraordinary care of each other, who meet each others emotional needs, and don't engage in love busters. Buyers in a great marital relationship also follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. Is this what you have? Is there any indication at all that your H is interested in having such a relationship with you? If not, I would encourage you to keep your complaints on the front burner, make sure you aren't committing love busters, and start preparing for a separation. A great marriage needs BOTH spouses willing to create good marital habits. If one spouse is unwilling, a great marriage is not possible. You are young, you have no children, and although you have a friendship of several years with your H, it doesn't seem like much of an actual marriage. In other words, it doesn't appear that you have much to hold on to and divorce might be the definition of success in your case.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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I am certain from what you've wrote that your husband isn't just self stimulating in the shower. He's using porn. And most likely on his smartphone. Now with "private" browsing on most phones you would never know. If he's a porn user showering with him won't do a thing to stop the habit.
No sex on the honeymoon reeks of a full blown porn habit that was there long before he even met you. If he's always had a low drive (for you), I can almost guarantee he is addicted to porn.
The sad fact is that unless he wants to stop, he likely won't. There's lots of help out there if he wanted to stop. I would absolutely follow Prisca's advice and install whatever spyware you can get on his devices, stat. Maybe if you can find evidence and confront him he would be willing to stop and/or get help. You should also present the idea of sexual exclusivity and see if you can get his buy in. If he won't, then you don't have much hope for a fulfilling marriage for you both.
I agree with the advice to not have children with this man. Don't saddle yourself to a life like this with a man who is getting his sexual needs met somewhere else. It should be with you!
Last edited by lonely4years; 03/26/15 11:50 AM.
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