Wounded,

Have you made progress in finding the truth?

happyheart,

Actually, I'm not sure - a lot has happened in the past month, I just have not had time to sit down and post about everything. I believe I know who is telling the truth now, but I welcome the opinions of those on this board.

I made a list of questions for my husband and told him I was scheduling the polygraph. He answered all of the questions, and gave me a list of six days over a two week period that he could be home from work (as I said, he works away from home) and asked that I schedule the test on any of those six days.

I emailed my daughter and told her that I was scheduling a polygraph for her, and that I would pay for it - and that I was also scheduling one for my husband. I told her that his would be first, and hers would be after his - probably the following day. I also included a list of questions for her that I asked her to answer for me, and told her that two or three of those questions would be asked during the polygraph.

I got an email back from her saying that she had changed her mind and would not take the polygraph, and that I could forget her ever answering the questions I had emailed her. She said that she should not have to take a polygraph to prove that she is telling the truth - that she is my daughter, and I should believe her and stand by her no matter what. She said that she is leaving the state, and that she never wants to see or hear from me again, and that I no longer should consider myself her mother.

I took a step back from insisting that my husband take the polygraph ... it seems to me that the reactions of both of them have answered my question as to who is telling the truth.

Go through with it anyways with your Husband as long as he stated he is willing.

For the rest of your life, you may always have a "What If" period of doubt. Remove that possibility.

You may be right, but follow through for the peace of mind that both of you will gain.

Your daughter, unfortunately still has A Lot of growing up and maturing to do.

When/If your Husband passes his Poly, then you know for sure how much of a selfish, self absorbed daughter does not mind breaking up your marriage. Until she grows up, it actually is best for her not to be involved, especially when her boyfriend is a scumbag drug dealer. Have you ever contacted the Police and spoke with the Drug Enforcement Department?

LTL

BIG mistake.

Prisca,

I didn't say I had totally abandoned the polygraph. I just took a step back for the immediate future. I told my husband I still want him to take it, and he has repeatedly said "Name the time and place, and I'm there." I do want him to take it, if for no other reason than to be able to tell friends and family that my daughter has spoken to about this that my husband is innocent, because I do believe that he is. Of course, I still get those "what if" thoughts, and I know I will until he passes the poly. But right now, I've got so much other crap on my plate - I have had two very recent deaths in my family and we are moving into a new home.

I'm thinking I will schedule the poly within the next 3 weeks...my health is really suffering because of the stress, and I need to know one way or the other who is telling the truth. If he passes, I know she was lying and I don't need her to take one.

LTL,

My cousin is a cop, and I talked to him about it. He said he would talk to his friend who is in narcotics ...I have not heard anything else.

And that's a big mistake. The longer this hangs over your marriage, the more damage it will do.

Exactly!! Why wait 3 weeks to schedule the polygraph? Why not do it as soon as possible so your health doesn't suffer anymore?

I'm so stupid. So so so stupid. I'm so embarrassed, and to be honest I hate coming back here and admitting how utterly stupid I am...but I just don't have anyone else to talk to.

My daughter and I started communicating again last week. It's a really long story, and a lot of it is insignificant to the situation, so I won't go into it. But she decided to answer my questions. I had asked the questions in such a way that she would not feel that I was leading her towards a specific answer, and I didn't give her any indication of what my husband told me. Some of the answers were "I don't remember, I was drunk, but I know it happened." I also asked her to write it all out for me...everything she remembered from the time my husband picked her up until she got out of the vehicle at her house.

His time line does not add up AT ALL. I think the only thing he was honest about was after he picked her up and went to get Mt Dew and cigarettes. After that, it's a bunch of crap in his story. And I verified that by looking at his cell phone records from that night and the morning after (he also lied about how long it took to get her vehicle out of impound). It might sound strange, but the kicker for me on that one was in her version of what happened the next morning. She had called him and asked if he would take her to get her car out of impound. She also asked if she could borrow the money until her boyfriend got off work and could give him the money back. She told me that after she picked up her truck, she had to go out to her boyfriends work and drop something off to him that he had forgotten, and that my husband followed her out and asked if they could talk. She drove to the gas station beside where her boyfriend works. My husband told her he was sorry for what had happened the night before, that he had developed feelings for her that he should not have, and begged her not to tell me. She said he drove away, and then called her and told her that he was going to tell me it took forever to get her car out of impound and that's what took him so long to get home. That's exactly what he told me...but how would she know that unless he did, indeed, make that call to her? She said he called her twice more to again beg her not to tell me what had happened. I went back through the cell phone calls from that morning, and was able to verify that he did call her 3 times that morning.

My daughter also says she has texts from him, ones he told her to delete. I asked her to forward them to me so I could have them when I confront him. She says she doesn't want to read them again, but if I come to her house, she will show me all of them. Another thing that bothers me is that my daughter told me that my husband told her I wanted a divorce and accused him of having an affair with a woman he works with. I have never told him I wanted a divorce. In 21 years together, I have never, not once, said the word divorce to him. I know that there have been times that he felt like I wanted a divorce, but I have never spoken that word to him. Also, I didn't accuse him of having an affair - I told him that I felt the way he spoke to this woman he works with was bordering on inappropriate, and it bothered me.

Of course, my daughter never came to me with any of this because our relationship has been so strained for the past three years, and she honestly believed that I hated her.

So now comes the hard part. Confronting him. And what really stinks is that I can't do that for another week. We are away from home for his job - the company has us staying in an apartment and there are 3 other contractors staying here also. So I have no time alone or anywhere private to go to have the talk we need to have. I feel this is something that needs to happen in the privacy of our own home, where there will be no interruptions, and we will have an unlimited amount of time to talk without worry of one of the others overhearing us.

So now I have a week...seven days....to figure out how to approach him with this.

I told my daughter that I still love him. I have been with this man for 21 years. I can't just turn love on and off. She said "Then you don't really believe me, because a true mom would hate the man who destroyed her daughter." I told her that she is not destroyed. She is hurt, and betrayed, and angry, and she hates him, and she has EVERY right to - but she is only destroyed if she allows herself to be. She wants to see me - I have not laid eyes on my child since December 21st, 2014. But I don't know how to face her. I feel so ashamed of myself for the way I have handled all of this. She wants me to leave him, she says if I stay with him, then I am turning my back on her, and she can never forgive me if I do that. I talked to my cousin about all of this, and she said my daughter is right, and that as wonderful as my husband is, that once a cheater always a cheater, and that he can never be trusted again and I should leave him right now and never look back. I told my cousin that either way - whether I stay with him or not - I lose. I either lose my husband, or I lose my daughter. She said "It's not all about you." I don't want to sound like a selfish b*tch or anything, but it's not all about my daughter, either. I hate what he did to her, and that fact that he was so emotionally attached to her and sexually attracted to her - the thought makes me sick. But at this point, I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. Part of me wants to believe that I can forgive him and that we can work through this ... but another part of me wants to walk away and never look back. But there are so many other things to consider other than just me, my daughter, and my husband. We have other children and grandchildren to think about.

God, help me. Where do I even start?

Did you ever schedule the polygraph for him?

No. I don't need to. I think deep down I've known the truth all along. I'm really good at denial.

You don't need to confront him at all. Just casually mention you've booked the polygraph in less than two days time- as he agreed - so this matter can be finally put to bed.

I know this is phenomenally hard, but you must do all this with a poker face. Everything is at stake here and you only have to get through a few more days.

I'm sorry but the man's a liar. Even going behind your back to enable her is a deal breaker. You can't have a marriage with a man who lies.

He's been lying to you so as to have an enabling relationship with your drunk daughter. He should be glad of the chance to prove himself after such deceit, if that's all it was.

Find out via a poly what really happened. If he passes the sexual assault question then ask him about the inconsistencies and tackle the honesty in your marriage.

If he doesn't pass and he has targeted her then you need to know.

This 'privacy' stuff sounds highly suspicious. It sounds like you're not going to go the police about this.

That's another reason to go through with the polygraph.
You should call the police if he fails it.





No one expects you to turn love off overnight, but are you kidding? You're talking about silencing your own daughter about her sexual assault and covering up a crime against her.

She trusted him like a father and he's been drugging her with alcohol to get sex. That's not a 'cheater' that's criminal sexual assault.



That's why you need to know. They need to know too.

Wounded, this isn't really news to us. It was pretty obvious in your first post that your husband had secrets. There are other people in your world who think so too because they aren't blinded by love.

Show them that you are a mother and grandmother who can be trusted with this stuff. That you will find out the truth and protect them if they have a complaint against any man. Even one you love.

Your decision to make, I suppose. If you were my mother, I would have to remove you from my life too. Logically, if you are willing to forgive a man who has such horrible boundary issues, it means you couldn't be trusted either. Is he worth losing your children and grandchildren? This man could be dangerous to anyone vulnerable.

I do hope you face the real music with a polygraph. I suspect the truth will come out and hopefully that will rbe the push you need to see this for what it is... Good luck.

Scratch that, I see your daughter has text message evidence. Just use that instead of the polygraph. Both of you go to see the police together.

There's absolutely no point in confronting him if you've already got evidence. Just deal with it together while he is away.

Your daughter would probably feel more comfortable outing her attacker while he is gone.

At what age did your daughter's behaviour change?

indiegirl,

Thanks for your response. You said
I've given this a lot of thought over the past week. As angry and hurt as I am with him, I honestly don't believe he targeted her. I think that a series of really sh*tty events happened over the course of the past year and that a LOT of mistakes were made that shouldn't have been. I will try to explain. And please don't think that I am in any way trying to defend him - this is just how I am seeing things in hindsight.

I think things must have started going to hell in February of last year. As I mentioned in a previous post, we were having some problems with our youngest son. He had started experimenting with drugs - hard stuff - acid, cocaine, meth. My husband had gotten a promotion in 2013. He was away from home a lot. Looking back on things now, I know that I made some huge mistakes during that time. I hid a lot of what was going on from my husband because I didn't want to cause him additional stress. He hated being away from home, but we felt that it was worth it because he was finally doing what he has worked his whole life to do. He was supporting the family financially, but all other support went down the drain because he was never home. I let things get completely out of control with our son. I tried everything I knew to try, but nothing helped. Everything came to a head last April when our son spun completely out of control and I felt I had no other choice but to call the cops on him. He was arrested and spent ten days in juvenile detention. My husband came home right away and stayed home for a couple of days while we tried to figure things out with our son. He was very upset with me for keeping how bad things had gotten from him, and he had every right to be upset. I had never before felt the need to keep anything from him, but I really felt at the time that I was I was "protecting" him from worry and stress - and I thought I could handle things on my own.

The next five months were hell. Our son was in and out of detention, in and out of juvenile court, in counseling. Nothing seemed to get through to him, and every time he was released from detention, he did something even worse than the previous time. It really took a toll on my husband and I. My husband questioned me constantly about if I was being honest about what was going on with our son - and it started to annoy me, even though he had every right to question me based on my previous actions. I was under a huge amount of stress. In mid-August, things came crashing down again. I was to be in court with my son again that day. He was in detention and was scheduled for an on-camera hearing at 2:00 that day. Around noon, I started feeling really strange. I thought it was an anxiety attack, so I laid down and waited for it to pass. For reasons I can only describe as a miracle, my daughter came to my house (the same daughter who had an alcohol problem) She could tell something was really wrong, and despite my protests, she finally bullied me into getting into her car and she took me to the hospital. As I laid in the ER hooked up to monitors and IV's, I repeatedly told her "DO NOT call (my husband) until we know for sure what is wrong!" Again, I didn't want to worry him. I didn't want him to jump in his vehicle and break all of the speed limits trying to get home to me and risking being in an accident (I know that's what I would do if someone I loved was in the hospital) ... five hours later, they determined that I had had a heart attack and admitted me to ICU. At that point, I told my daughter to go ahead and call my husband. He was not a bit happy with me. And he gave my daughter all kinds of hell for listening to me and not calling him anyway. Then I told my daughter it was ok for her to leave that night. She kept asking me if I was sure - and I kept telling her to go home and get some rest, that I was fine. She finally left the hospital...and promptly got drunk. I touched on that in an earlier post. Again, looking back, I should have let her stay. She had already lost her father at such a young age, and now her mom has a heart attack. She needed to be there with me to make sure I was ok, but I pretty much pushed her out the door because I didn't want anyone to fuss over me.

She has said in the past week that when I was in the hospital, that's when my husband started to act strange with her. She said he would hold her hand, and it made her uncomfortable, but she didn't want to think it meant anything. She just thought that he was afraid of losing me. She said after I got released and they all knew I was going to be ok, he stopped acting strange. I got released from the hospital, and I told my husband the next morning to go back to work - I was fine. He said he didn't feel good about leaving me so soon, but I convinced him to go back to work - I had our kids, and my mom there to take care of me, and I was fine. Again, looking back, that was a mistake on my part. Before my heart attack, I had never really been sick - a cold here and there, maybe a case of the flu every four or five years. But I am, and have always been, the caregiver, the strong one, "super mom" "super wife" fixer of all problems. I don't find it easy to rely or depend on others - that's just who I am and everyone knows it. I thought I was thinking about my husband and what was best for him, but I was being selfish in my thoughts that I was strong enough to take care of myself, and everyone just needed to go back to normal as soon as possible so that *I* could feel better. I wasn't thinking about how all of it affected my husband or my kids. They were scared and worried, but I didn't want to talk about it - I didn't want to appear weak and scared.

I've since learned that people who have heart attacks often go through a period of depression. And boy did I ever! Of course, I was in denial about it. I continued to put myself on the back burner and deal with my unruly son and his issues, and my other kids problems ...anything to keep myself from admitting that I was suffering from some depression and admitting that for once, I needed help and support.

I believe that's probably how things started with my husband getting emotionally attached to my daughter in an unhealthy way. And she unknowingly added fuel to that fire, because she really started to depend on him and need him. I don't think that as he bought her alcohol he was thinking "I'm going to get her drunk and take advantage of her." ... I think he was thinking "Someone needs me, and it makes her happy that I can give her something she needs (the alcohol)" ... and things just escalated from there.

Maybe I'm way off base here...but this is really what I feel happened. It doesn't make it ok, not even in the slightest, but if this is how it all happened, then I can understand it, and maybe even forgive it. It will take a TON of counseling, and even more prayers - but I know that God will guide me through this.

All the valid reasons and explanations in the world do not excuse criminal behavior choices. Your "super-fixer" is not fixing anything right now and is about to make you a participant in that criminal behavior via enabling and sheltering.

She was around 12 years old when her behavior started to drastically change. That's when her dad got sick. She watched him get sicker and sicker, until he passed away when she was 18. After his death, things really went downhill. She started smoking marijuana to deal with her stress. She claimed she could not eat or sleep unless she was high. That went on until she was around 20. She lived at home until right before her 21st birthday, when she had a physical altercation with my son, who was 13 at the time. Long story, but I was at work and they were at home along with one of my other daughters, and my son was playing the piano and it was annoying my daughter - she later admitted that she hadn't been able to get high that day because she was broke and couldn't afford it - and she picked a fight with him that ended in her punching him in the face. He fought back, it got ugly, she left the house in a fit of anger and moved her belongings out a few days later. Around that time she added prescription drugs to the mix. She would crush and snort anything she could get her hands on - Xanax, Percocet, Adderall. Then she discovered pot tea. I had never heard of this before, but apparently you can brew marijuana through a coffee pot and it changes the effects of the drug.

She totaled 3 vehicles over the course of the next 2 years. Then she went to my parents and asked for their help (financially) ... they loaned her the money to get out of debt (she had over $5000 in credit card debt and some medical bills that were seriously past due) my parents loaned her the money, and offered to let her move in with them. She did, and she decided to go to school to become a veterinary assistant. She started dating a guy who turned out to be a real winner - and days after she finished her vet assistant course her boyfriend was driving her car (she was in the passenger seat) - he had drugs in the car (he was a dealer) and the cops tried to pull him over. A high speed chase ensued, and the officer suspended the chase because it was too dangerous to continue. I got a call a few hours later that her car had been found abandoned. I didn't hear from her for 26 days, she was on the run with her boyfriend. They finally turned themselves in - he went to jail, but the judge let her go free. Then she started dating another jerk who abused her physically. She was constantly bruised. We all tried to help her. Me, my parents, her siblings, her other grandparents. I have set up counseling for her, offered to pay for it, offered to pay for an in-patient treatment center. She has never been ready to get help. She doesn't think she has a problem.

This is just the tip of the iceberg really....but all of her problems started when her dad got sick. And yes, we tried counseling to help her deal with that - she would sit in the chair for an hour and refuse to talk, and when the counselor would press her to say something she would tell him "There is nothing wrong with me except that you annoy me." So that did no good either.