This will be a bit lengthy so please bear with me.

The following is chronological order of family activity on my W side starting since Christmas.

-W entire family(aunts/uncles/cousins) entertained at our home for Christmas. A majority of the festivities paid by me. The entire cleanup after 68 people I basically handled.

-Attended New Years Eve at my W cousins home. Enjoyed the celebration.

-Attended the following birthdays for her side of the family:
2 cousins
1 aunt
1 brother
1 nephew
3 nieces
1 sister-in-law(married to cousin)

-In between these several birthday celebrations my W uncle passes away. My W uncle has 4 siblings(aunts and uncles to my W). They can swing the burial as far as the financials however the after funeral eating, etc. could not be afforded. I offered and paid to feed over 60 that attended the funeral. I'm was pall bearer. (keep in mind that the money does not matter. What does is NONE said thank you for helping in this situation.)

Yesterday we attend yet another birthday party for her family member. I sat mostly but did participate in watching the gifts opened by the child that is being celebrated. I stand with everyone while signing happy birthday. But, I did not spend much time with my W family talking. I sat with my daughters and two nieces having fun. I have seen my W entire family no less than 3 times each at great length each time since Christmas. This day I was taking it easy. My W calls me a bump on a log. In my mind it does not add up.

Today I get the cold shoulder, labeled a bump on a log and apparently grouped with the other husbands (her uncles/cousins)whom are nothing short of less than stellar.

I'm flabbergasted as to my W behavior.

How can we help you, Nailhead? I don't see a question here.

Sorry Sugarcane.

How do you delicately advise ones W that you have had your fill of family functions(past 3 months/almost all weekends scheduled something)and another weekend coming up (Easter) is not going to be another one. Thus far my W has plans to cook a meal the entire Saturday for eating Sunday. Attend the Easter service Saturday night. Easter egg hunt with the nieces on Easter Sunday. I have scheduled one event that I wanted to attend with my W the Saturday before Easter. I have had to cancel previous events that I like to do as a result of accomodating another event for her side of the family.

Don't say "Had my fill." Keep your language as non-dramatic as possible.

Say "I don't want to spend next weekend with your family."

And suggest a positive alternative, like time together.

Are the two of you following Dr. Harley's Policy of Undivided Attention?

You change your marriage so that, as markos says, you follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, with these decisions and with all others.

Each and every family occasion needs to be discussed. There is no standing order that gives your wife the right to arrange events as she chooses. The default position is that no family members visit, and your family does not attend family functions, unless each and every occasion is enthusiastically agreed upon by both of you.

On another thread, you said that you had read a great deal of Dr Harley's work, and you had implemented MB into your marriage, with great results.

Well, that puzzles me. The cornerstone of the MB programme is POJA. If you had been properly using MB in your marriage, these situations could never have arisen. What do you know about POJA?

And frankly, even without knowing anything about POJA, surely common sense dictates that if you do not want to host and attend these family functions, you need to tell your wife that. What other solution could there possible be?

The offer was spending time together and not entertaining another family function. Some how and for some reason the entire Saturday before Easter is relegated to preparing Sunday's meal. That is the issue. In other words, I have spent every weekend since Christmas last year at a family function going clear to next weekend that is Easter. I had planned and marked on the calender an event for me that I asked my W to attend. I honestly do not understand why an entire Saturday needs to be consigned to making salads and such for Easter. This is not new of course and has gone on for years but perhaps on Easter, after months of entertaining family a meal could be made on Sunday morning? After all, Saturday evening is the church service. We can even go Friday evening. Sunday is not good for going to the service as it is a blow out of people who just really do not attend church regularly. Therefore, Sunday morning is wide open for everyone to help in preparing the meal. It makes very little sense to me.

And by the way, why are you flabbergasted at your wife's behaviour?

Her organising, or agreeing to attend, this string of family events is not objectively undesirable. She probably enjoys family events, and there must be many people in the world who would understand exactly why she does. What is wrong with enjoying Christmas, New Year, Easter and christenings with people you love, whose company you enjoy, in a party atmosphere? And if you agree that these events are sometimes enjoyable, then surely you can see that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with wanting to attend one every week, if that were possible.

Don't criticise your wife's enjoyment of these event - or in other words, her perspective. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with what she likes.

What is wrong is that she commits you both to these events without taking your perspective into account, and in doing so, she creates resentment from you.

You, however, can hardly blame her if you don't tell her you do not want to attend as many as she wants you to attend. How is she supposed to know that, if you do not tell her? Or, if you only speak up after the umpteenth time, when you are about to blow a gasket, and you put her in the position of having to cancel something that now involves other people, you are being unfair to her.

The marriage needs a root-and-branch reorganisation, where no commitments are made - to anything; events, spending, saving, your children's education, tonight's dinner - unless and until you both enthusiastically agree. Reluctant agreements are banned. You need to persuade your wife that your marriage will be better for both of you when that prioritising of each other's perspectives becomes the norm.

Preparing an Easter meal on Saturday is not uncommon and since you acknowledge this is not new and has gone on for years then why are you surprised by this upcoming weekend?

x 2

I don't understand your reply. You asked how to tell your wife you don't want to go to another family function, and I gave you an answer. And you didn't answer my question.

To experience my W behavior in these matters you would understand why I'm flabbergasted...even more so this time as I have given up, adjusted a schedule or just completely canceled any plans for 3 months to accommodate my W with these parties, weddings, funerals and holidays. Simply put..it is time for a break. For me.

No, there is not wrong with wanting to be with family. And I NEVER criticise my W with anything. I'm asking for a simple 6 hours on Saturday. My W can not find a way to make this meal Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday morning. The kicker is I always help with preparing the meal!

What do you mean blame her? For what? An event I discussed with her and marked on the calendar? She knows Sugarcane. And this Easter is not something to be canceled. Easter is on Sunday. Has been for 2000 plus years. My event is on Saturday. No one is being turned away. She wants to dye eggs, eat and Easter egg hunt. In my 50 years these events took place on Sunday. Entire Saturdays were not relegated to making salads for Sunday.

I understand the re-organizing and only agreeing on events to attend either be family or otherwise. The issue is I had this agreed upon. To further that notion, I attend some of these parties as support, good H and I genuinely want to attend. It does not reciprocate.

No matter, I'm attending the event. It was marked on the calendar. She was made well aware of it. I do not want to participate in taking the entire Saturday to make a meal. If she prefers to use her Saturday to accommodate another family function so be it. I have made enough accommodation for her family in the past 3 months.

I don't know why you cannot explain the issue much more simply. Your anger and hyperbole are getting in the way of our understanding.

You explained in a very odd fashion in your first post, and then, when asked clarifying questions by us, you have only added to the lack of understanding by blowing your top. That strategy is not getting you anywhere.

Are you saying that you had a joint agreement to do one thing, and she has abandoned that agreement and arranged something else?

Could you answer calmly and straightforwardly, please?

Let me put it another way. Have you given of yourself numerous times that when it is time for another to give to you it is not returned? This is were I am. Every weekend my energies is given to my W family events. There is one weekend were there are no birthdays. This Easter weekend. Saturday I would like to do something that includes two people. Me and my W. No dice. It is back to doing a family dinner. Taking an entire day to make a meal to be eaten the following day. When I'm talking a meal it is for a total of 8 people. We are not entertaining 60 people. There are many that make an entire meal for 8 people daily.

Yes, there was joint agreement on this day to attend an event that concerns my hobby. Yes, she sees that it is Easter weekend and wants to dye eggs with nieces, meal and church instead. My plans abandoned. And again, I asked for 6 hours on Saturday. In the large scheme of what I have put into her family monetarily, physically and mentally for the past 3 months, our agreed upon event can not be accommodated. This is the reason for my upset.

Take several deep breaths, calm down further, and try again to express the problem about Easter weekend.

If you can't do that to strangers here, where you have the chance to read your words before you post them, I have little hope that you can express your dissatisfaction respectfully and clearly to your wife - and therein , perhaps, lies your problem.

Have you told your wife that you do not want to spend Saturday helping her prepare for Sunday's meal? Have you asked her if she was willing to do it at a different time or without your help?

What did she say?

I find your thread confusing because you start by asking "how do you tell her?" and suggesting you don't want to do the Easter gathering as all because you have "had your fill" of her family.

But later in the thread you ask why can't she prepare the food at a different time as if 1) the Saturday food prep is the only issue, not yet another family gathering, and 2) She already knows you don't want to do this and is demanding you cancel plans that are important to you in order to help her cook.

Nailhead, are you ignoring my posts?

How can I make it any clearer? Since Christmas each and every weekend has been devoted to her family. Either it be a birthday, funeral or holiday. As a result, I canceled any activity of mine so we could attend these events. I have no issue with this. However, I scheduled an event for me and my hobby the Saturday before Easter Sunday. Other than Easter, there was nothing else scheduled. I asked my W attend. It is a parade being held on Saturday. She agreed to going over 2 weeks ago. When she found out this event was scheduled for Saturday the weekend of Easter it was off the table.

Yes, that is correct. I do not wish to participate in a Easter gather of her family. I have seen them every weekend since Christmas.

She knows very well she can prepare foods at different times. She has done it in the past. I always help her with it.

She has not asked I cancel my plans. She has decided to do the cooking Saturday and cancel what was agreed upon. It appears she did not realize it was Easter weekend she agreed to attend an event important to me. I, on the other hand, attend every event of her without issue.

I did answer your question. I did not tell my W I had my fill. It was never brought up.

The issue is agreed upon doing something together to re-neg on later when she found out it is Easter.

I'm not surprised. It is the fact she agreed to attend my event and pulled out when she found it was Easter weekend.

I must be missing it, because I can't see anywhere where you responded to my question about Dr. Harley's Policy of Undivided Attention.

I might be able to help you apply Dr. Harley's Marriage Builders Basic Concepts in your marriage if you can read and reply to everything I'm writing to you.

What was your reaction to my suggestion about how to tell her?