What's not clear is if you have shared the resentment you feel with your wife and if you have tried to follow the POJA with her. The way you describe this sounds exactly like how I felt before I found MB - giving giving giving and ticked off that your spouse won't make what seems like the smallest of sacrifices in return.

You say "she knows very well that she can prepare food other times..." but have you discussed it with her saying "how would you feel about making the food ___ instead?"

If you are really following MB then neither of you should be sacrificing. She should not have agreed to go to the parade if she didn't want to, but you should not agree to cooking Saturday and having family Sunday if you don't want to.

Has she agreed to do MB and POJA with you?

I'll leave it to the experts to advise you on how to do it, but I am certain your current situation is not a result of using POJA correctly. You should not be sacrificing all the time nor expecting her to sacrifice, even a little, as repayment for your sacrificing.

Good luck!

Did you make the agreement to host Easter dinner reluctantly?

If she agreed without knowing that the event was on the Saturday before Easter then she never agreed to go on that day. The date was a relevant detail that changed her agreement. That is the way it appears from what you wrote.

And Dr. Harley recommends that married people graciously accept it when their spouse changes their mind. The Policy of Joint Agreement applies at the time the action is taken, not just at the time the agreement was made. If she agreed enthusiastically, but then later found out she was reluctant, then it's a bad idea to pressure her to go through with it.

In this case that would be a great rule for both of you to follow: you should be able to back out of the Easter thing just like she should be able to back out of what she agreed to. Find something you are both enthusiastic about.

Clearly you DO have issue with this, because you have stored up the list of how many sacrifices she owes you, and now you are resentful that she won't pay you back.

This is what happens when one spouse does not express his true feelings about not wanting to do something, but does it anyway, because he thinks that what a good spouse would do. The problem is that, because you did something that you didn't want to do, you have kept a score of what is owed to you. Later, now that you have asked for the score to be evened and your wife refuses, your resentment has gone off the charts.

That is exactly what Dr Harley describes in his writings about the dangers of sacrifice and reluctant agreements. A miserable time for one or other spouse, and score-keeping and constant resentments, are no way to run a marriage.

You haven't answered the questions about what you know about the Policy of Joint Agreement. You have been very good at sounding off and blowing up at us, but as I keep trying to explain to you, your anger is hampering us from getting much further along.

So once again: what do you know about POJA?

She had every right to take it off the table if she did not want to go, just as you have always had the right to decline to participate in family events. As I have been trying to explain, the fact that you chose to sacrifice and tolerate being with her family when you would much rather not have done so, does not mean that she should sacrifice and do your thing on that Saturday, if she does not want to.

As black_raven says, she seems to have agreed without realising when the parade was due to take place. That means that she did not really make an agreement. A spouse should never go through with an agreement if she changes her mind.

Then tell her that you do not wish to participate in an Easter gathering of her family, and negotiate with her for you two to do something that you would both enjoy.

If she refuses to entertain the idea of doing anything else, then you both should do nothing. The Easter event is off if you do not want to join her family for the activity. Don't go through with it and let you resentment grow even bigger. Look at where that has got you today.

Don't be petulant and childish. "She knows very well" is the attitude of an adolescent.

Negotiate with her about preparing the food at some other time, and see if you can get her to go to your event on the Saturday.

I reiterate that you should not go to her family event on the Sunday, even as a trade-off for her going on Saturday, unless you are genuinely enthusiastic about spending Sunday that way. Don't go to something you dislike on Sunday because she agrees to go to something she dislikes on Saturday.

Don't make either of you unhappy, and don't make both of you unhappy.

Think about it: why would a spouse want the other spouse to do something that makes them unhappy? How can one of you enjoy the event knowing that the other one does not want to be there?

You can ask her not to do the cooking on Saturday. You need to talk to her respectfully and ask her to see your perspective, about why you would like to go to the parade and why you would like her to go with you. But remember what I said above; you will gain nothing, and you will not enjoy the event, if she goes to the parade when she really does not want to. You won't enjoy the parade if she is resentful about being there.

Of course, you cannot force her to change the day for cooking. She might just put her foot down and do it anyway.

The solution to that is for you to change your marriage in the longer term.You need to talk to her about the benefits TO HER of POJA, and get her to read Dr Harley's materials on that and on negotiating so that you win AND she wins.

I strongly refute the claim that you do that "without issue". What you probably mean is that you do that without outward complaint. You do this without giving your wife any sign that you would rather not do that thing. But not objecting does not mean that this is "without issue", because inside your head, and here on the page, you are a seething ball of resentment, keeping score and eventually exploding into a fireball of independent behaviour, going to your parade (which you did not explain fully to her) without her, and regardless of what she thinks.

Your angry rationalisation is that she's had things her way and now it's your turn. You are acting like duelling dictators.

Once again: that is no way to run a marriage, and it is diametrically opposed to a Marriage Builders marriage.

It's because conflict avoidance creates more conflict.

You do things that you don't want to do, hoping that your sacrifices make your wife happy.

However we are not wired to be happy when our spouse is so very obviously unhappy.

In future, only attend events that you enthusiastically want to attend. Your resentment has been building for some time and is now quite evident. Your wife probably found it embarrassing.

If you read about the policy of joint agreement here you will find out how to avoid resentment and genuinely enjoy all the decisions you make with your wife.

What's the point of agreeing to go to a party if you dont enjoy it?

Just don't sacrifice in the first place. Make a proper, enthusiastic decision that you won't need paying back for. Reluctant agreers and sacrificers keep score. Most importantly they are no fun!

If you are not honestly having fun at these social events, or enjoy footing the bill, why on earth do it? Sacrifice is a horrible policy to follow. It only leads to upset.


I know if I were your wife and you raised the money spent etc, I would feel very trapped by the idea I owed you. Please try to avoid any situation where you imply she owes you. Or feeling like she does.

Have you actually told her flat out that the amount of time and energy given to family events bothers you? You don't need an 'objective opinion' or for her to be 'wrong' to talk about your own feelings.

I would present this plan here to her and tell her that you want to have a more romantic relationship with her. This plan includes lots of fun alone time, scheduled in advance, put in before anything else.

Sell her on this plan and start being more open about your unhappiness. You don't have to say she's wrong according to the big book of right and wrong or that spending a day preparing food is wrong - you just have to be brave and say it's not right for you.

Yesterday the decision was made that I go alone to the event I have planned. Not the first time I have done this and not the last. It was a one of a kind event that I wanted my W to attend. My hobby is out of doors. Being it is cool and my W does not like the heat I asked she attend. She agreed. As it turns out the day is also on Easter weekend. This proved to be a problem for my W. In a split second after finding it was Easter weekend another route of not having to attend was taken. The route of anger because of a date mix up and I was a bump on a log at the birthday party. To which she apologized for as she knows I have been front and center for ever family event and happily so.

And this fine and correct. However, the plan of explaining to me that this event conflicts with her plans for Easter was not how it was presented to me. It was presented in a way to incite an argument and hopes I just say forget it. But it was not. It was presented with anger and name calling (bump on a log).

Sugarcane:

I have no issue participating in the Easter festivities...on Sunday. The entire weekend I do not wish to devote to Easter. Both doing nothing is not the answer either. The answer was approaching me with her concerns about the agreed upon trip and how it conflicts with her plans for Easter. Not finding things to start an argument about it and then name call.

No. There was no agreement. Easter dinner is Easter dinner. I have not issue with it. The problem is devoting the entire weekend for it that would negate a planned day(Saturday) with me. The conflict stated when she realized the planned event would conflict with her plans. Instead of approaching me with a resolve it was approached with anger and looking to get out of it as a result of creating the conflict. This plus added name calling.

There was no pressure. She may go about her planned Easter weekend. However, Saturday I will be attending the event we planned on. No problem. Arriving at this decision is much easily done when both parties talk about it. It only takes one party take another route of anger to illicit a response of anger and thus getting out of the planned event.

Well, it seems to me that you have systematically gone through every response here and told us that our answers were wrong. We seem to have failed some kind of test. It seems you had decided on the correct answer all along, which was:

I'm not sure what kind of help you posted for.

Is there anything that we can do for you?

He still hasn't answered my question.

Was he supposed to?

Sometimes the questioning feels like the Spanish Inquisition.

But seriously, thank you for the help. At the end of the day, 21 years married come April 7, we are not sweating the small things.

Like most newcomers, you need to read up on lovebusters. Sounds like your wife is committing quite a few (independent behaviour with her family overruling your objections, anger and disrespectful judgements) which will endanger the romantic relationship you two are lucky to have.

If you have a good sex life then you probably do a pretty good job meeting your wife's needs and avoiding the more overt lovebusters. However it's obvious to me you are commsitting the lovebuster of dishonesty when you say you don't 'have an issue' with the Easter event. Your opinion was not sought. You have an issue and it's time to speak up.



Good. Neither of you should be doing things you dislike. It's fantastic she is honest about this and even better that she firmly refuses.





Sex is not the romantic part of your relationship! Only making plans that benefit you both, being together at your happiest for at least 15 hours a week outside the house. Doing something fun. Give her no time for family!



Why is this hobby referred to as 'your' hobby? Do you have a hobby you both like with equal passion?




Everyone says that when they first encounter PoJA. But going ahead with the poor man's solution is not a good idea. If you go off to 'your' hobby, your wife can brush off your concerns and tell herself you're OK really. Setting the stage for the next time she wishes to indulge in independent behaviour.

However if you do nothing and perist respectfully with your complaint, it's more likely to be dealt with.

You've been doing it your way for 20 years. Your way is easily ignored.

So, is there anything we can do for you?