But seriously, thank you for the help. At the end of the day, 21 years married come April 7, we are not sweating the small things.

When it comes to making marriage fulfilling for a wife, the "when mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" approach dominates the thinking of many husbands. In this time-honored line of attack, a husband simply does whatever his wife wants,

one morning he wakes up to face the realization that while she gets pretty much whatever she wants, he's left with little to show for his effort. His wife might like being able to get her way, but he's getting nothing in return.

So he decides to change his approach. Instead of giving her whatever she wants, he takes charge and makes decisions that are in his best interest. If she's willing to let him suffer to get what she wants, how about a little reciprocity? Why can't she do a little suffering to get what he wants?

But his wife doesn't see his point. Thus begins the "ain't nobody happy" response that I mentioned above. That response, of course, does not endear her to him. In fact, it makes him wonder why he had tried so hard to make her happy in the first place.

So convincing a husband that he should always strive for win-win solutions to marital conflicts is my first and most important step in helping him learn to make his wife happy. Even when she gets her way in a win-lose solution, it's not necessarily a happy outcome for her because she knows that he wasn't happy making her happy.

I'm reminded of the Bible verse, Every man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver (2 Corinthians 9:7). We feel the same way that God feels about giving. We don't want our spouse to give us what we need reluctantly or compulsively. We want it to be given cheerfully. So if a husband is to make his wife really happy, he should give her what she needs with enthusiasm -- just like the Policy of Joint Agreement recommends. It should be a win-win resolution to a conflict.

Cheerfulness in giving isn't something we can force ourselves to do, and we certainly shouldn't fake it. Instead, we should discover ways to do things for each other in marriage that creates genuine cheerfulness for both spouses.

When Joyce and I were first married, we could only afford to go out once a month. I thought it would be fun to try something a little different -- a Japanese restaurant. Joyce went along with my idea until we were served the appetizer: Seaweed and octopus. She burst into tears. We left the restaurant, and sat in our car until we were able to agree on another restaurant that we would both look forward to trying. A Chinese restaurant and the Policy of Joint Agreement saved the evening.

That experience and a host of others that I had with Joyce taught me that her reaction to disappointment is far more emotional than mine. I would never have been that upset about a bad dining choice. And I care so much about her that I was very tempted to simply ask her what makes her happy, and go along with it, regardless of how I felt. But that would have been a mistake. We had to learn how to make win-win decisions whenever we faced a conflict.

First, the goal: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. It's the Policy of Joint Agreement. Regardless of how trivial the decision might be, a couple should get into the habit of negotiating with each other until they come to an enthusiastic agreement. Capitulation on either spouse's part should never be tolerated. And trying to force your solution onto your spouse is abusive and controlling -- it leads to marital disaster.

As it turns out, sacrificing your own pleasure so that your wife can be happy is the way to make her perpetually unhappy. Instead of making her feel fulfilled, it makes her feel frustrated, and you are likely to eventually give up.

Sugarcane:

I have no issue participating in the Easter festivities...on Sunday. The entire weekend I do not wish to devote to Easter. Both doing nothing is not the answer either. The answer was approaching me with her concerns about the agreed upon trip and how it conflicts with her plans for Easter. Not finding things to start an argument about it and then name call.

Sometimes the questioning feels like the Spanish Inquisition.

But seriously, thank you for the help. At the end of the day, 21 years married come April 7, we are not sweating the small things.

With coping skills like these, your marriage is not likely to make it to 30 years.

Have you read about the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Undivided Attention? Do you understand them? Because, if you did, you wouldn't be sacrificing and resenting the "small things" the way you do. You need to step back from your immediate problems and look at the bad habits you and your wife have that are causing all of this conflict. The Policy of Joint Agreement is key. That is the template you should be following. Are you willing to educate yourself and work at this?

It sounds like family events are one of your wife's favorite recreational activities, and one of your least favorite.

Of course, they don't do well for massive Love Bank deposits.

It sounds like a plan would be to offer alternatives to your wife. Recreational activities that you would both enjoy, and would allow you to follow the policy of undivided attention, and meet each others' 4 intimate emotional needs.

So, what you are going to want to work on, is attractive alternatives that are enjoyable for the both of you.

I'm willing to bet if you offered enjoyable alternatives, and told your wife that you wanted more time with just the two of you - and you did so in a respectful manner - you may find her more willing to do so.

Yes men can give in and 'not sweat the small stuff' much more happily than women. It takes years (around 20 for you?) for them to start feeling owed because men are a little tougher with stuff they are not entirely happy with. They call it small stuff.


You can be sure that if you were the one insisting on events with your family, it wouldn't be seen as small stuff by her. She'd keep that one on the front burner till you stopped.

So, is there anything we can do for you?

I find it curious Nailhead that you don't want to say what the hobby is? The same way we are not going to say your wife's preference for RC with family is wrong in itself, we aren't going to say that about your hobby, either. It would make it easier to help you brainstorm some win-win ideas. Like maybe it is something her nephews would enjoy with you all.

[

You are encouraging...how easy to make an assessment from just one disagreement, posting about it and label this one of a kind disagreement as verse for our entire marriage of 20 years. However, I'll take you assessment of not making it another 30 years under advisement.

Resenting/resentful...a word often thrown around this forum a bit to much IMO.

Joint agreement. Yes, read it and understand. However, sometimes you can apply any theory, thought or otherwise and still not come out in a win/win for both.

[The participation has not stopped since last Christmas. It was a day for just the two of us.

. The participation has not stopped since last Christmas. It was a day for just the two of us.

Resenting/resentful...a word often thrown around this forum a bit to much IMO.

Let me put it another way. Have you given of yourself numerous times that when it is time for another to give to you it is not returned? .

You might have already answered this, but how much alone time [on dates] do you get each week?

Yes - MB dictate 15 hours of UA time with JUST the two of you. You can't have alone time with your nephews too.

Our point was, do something that she is just as interested in as you are. Something she wouldn't dream of blowing off.

Several in this thread a portraying and or seeing some sort of highway wreck or one forthcoming when this is further from the truth.

The entire issue was simply poor communication, not stopping to think before each spoke and a incorrect assumption I did not appear to want to be at the last birthday party. The bump on the log comment that my W has since apologized for.

Several in this thread a portraying and or seeing some sort of highway wreck or one forthcoming when this is further from the truth.

Why do you think that is?

a) posters are crazy paranoidacs on the internet

b) posters have been on the forum for many years and can recognize red flags when they see them. thread starter does not recognize the signs of trouble

c) posters have come out of bad marriages and have transformed their marriages using these concepts

Have you read this?
Resentment Type A and Type B

George is invited to watch football with his friend Sam. He tells
his wife, Sue, that he plans to accept the invitation. Sue objects.

If George goes ahead and watches the game, he�s guilty of independent
behavior. He is not following the POJA, and Sue will be resentful.
When George does something against the wishes of Sue, I call
her resentment type A.

This is because you don't understand the issue at hand. First off, you don't have a communication problem. You have a fundamental problem with coming to decisions that are not mutually and enthusiastically agreed upon. It appears you are in the habit of making reluctant agreements, ie: sacrifices. The resentment we read in your posts reflects the dangers of making sacrifices. .
I will tell you as someone who struggled with this program for YEARS that if you get the POJA down pat, it will take your marriage to an amazing level. That is the big obstacle in your marriage. Once you learn to negotiate and only accept good decisions for your marriage, the whole face of your marriage will change. You are doing Marriage Builders "lite" which will never achieve the quality you are seeking. Like Dr. Harley says, anything that comes before your marriage will eventually come between you. I see that happening here.