I just registered and I have started reading the basic concepts. I'm not sure if this is the correct forum but here goes...

My wife and I have been married for 11 years and together for 15. We have 3 children, 8yo boy, 3yo girl, and 1 yo girl. I'm 41 and she is 33.

We have had a good marriage but with some bumps and bruises which are mostly my fault. My wife has often said she feels I reject her or ignore her. That was never my intention as I love her with ever fiber of my being. She has also said it hurts her if I text female co workers. I'm in management and everyone uses texting to communicate both during and after work. In management many know after work doesn't mean you are done working. Another major flaw I have is that in the past I have struggled with pornography which hurt her deeply. She felt it was cheating. And lastly of my major mistakes was that I became addicted to online games. In this I feel is where a lot of her feeling of neglect and rejection came. This leads to the next big problem.

Just a couple weeks ago was my wife's birthday. It was on a Monday. So the Frday before that she called me from work saying the girls at work wanted to take her to see a local band for her birthday. I didn't have a problem with this except that I was just paying the cell phone bill online and noticed calls and texts to a number I didn't know. They had only started that week but there was a lot of them. But I didn't say anything because I wanted to believe her and didn't want to be "that guy". When she stopped home to change, she said they changed their mind and were going to dinenr instead in a different town. For reference, local band town was 30 mins away, this other town is 90 mins away but closer to the origin of the number I saw. Still I didn't say anything. I wish now I did. It got to be 1:30 in the morning and I hadn't heard from her. So I called her and got no answer. I sat there staring at that other number, so I called it. And a guy answered, my heart dropped like a rock. He hung up and I texted her asking if she was coming home, her response was do you want me to? I got her on the phone to talk. She said he was a guy she went to school with and they started talking on Facebook that week and they met to go to a Hinder concert. She came home and we talked.

This is where she told me she felt as though she was done with our relationship because of the long time I continued hurting her in the ways I mentioned above. And that I never listened when she tried to explain that before. I told her that all of that still doesn't make this ok to which she agreed. She says that this is the first time they have met face to face and that they did not have sex but this guy did kiss her.

She is telling me that she is confused and doesn't know what to think now. She expected me to be indifferent and not care and just tell her to leave. But that is not how I feel. I love her and want to fix our marriage. I want to improve myself and show her I can give her what she wants and needs. Since that Friday night I have not played the online game I used to. I've removed that and all other games from my computer. I have never been a very religious person but I have started praying daily for guidance and have met with our local Pastor for counsel. Now she feels I'm going overboard and that she knows I cannot maintain these changes. And that this is all too much. She admits to being confused now, I believe because she felt I was done too. Me showing I'm not I feel makes her realize at least a little she still wants to be with me. From the start of this she has asked if I want her to move out or if I want her to sleep on the couch. I've told her no to both as I feel that is a start of a division that leads to the end.

She still texts this guy everyday and talks to him on her way to and from work. After some reading on this site I understand I wasn't meeting all of her emotional needs which he is doing. I also understand that I must be meeting some needs or she would have left already. She says she needs time and space to figure out what she wants. She wants us to just go about or day without discussing it for a few days. I struggle with this because I feel that If I stop talking about things with her she will be even more swayed by him. But in trying to show her how I feel or talking about things I seem to make things worse. We have had sex twice since all of this. And afterward she feels more confused. Even that I'm trying to manipulate her which I'm not. I'm trying to meet her needs and sex has always been one of her greater needs.

I think her confusion can be summed up like this..

She felt done because of how I treated her. When my response wasn't what she expected, she began to doubt that feeling. She thinks if she gives me another chance I will just fail again. Or that down the road I won't be able to get over what she did. She is also mad at me because she says "why now?, why after I gave up and am talking to someone who makes me feel good do you want to change?" to this I've told her that my eyes weren't open before but now they are.

I have finally broken down and talked to her mother about this because I'm closer to her family than my own. Her mom has given me great support in this and is trying to get her to open up about it. My wife does not know yet that I told her mother. I fear at this point if she found out she would be mad and leave.

I don't know what more I can do to show her how I truly feel and not upset her and make her feel pressured. I do feel like I have to do something to stay active in her mind and heart.

I know this has been long and probably bounced around a lot. But I'm at a loss. I'm dying inside and I need help. I haven't been able to talk her into counseling because she reminds me I was resistant to it before. My excuse was money at the time. I can't get her to even talk to the Pastor or her mother. What can I do to get her to open up to working on this?

Hi Renik, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. You have the right idea about saving your marriage but you are not going far enough. You can express a desire to meet her needs, but all the need meeting in the world will be of little effect if she is having an affair. The reason is because her love bank is closed to you as long as she is having an affair. Therefore, the most critical first step is to kill the affair and run off the OM.

Affairs thrive on secrecy, so your greatest weapon is exposure. Most OM are cowards, so they are easy enough to run off. I would go read the exposure thread linked in my signature and come back and let's discuss..

What do you know about the OM? Is he married? Where does he live? Can you see his Facebook page?

I can't see his Facebook page. It must be blocked to me. All the information I have on him is what she has told me. He is single and has a son that does not live with him. His cell phone shows from a town about 2 hours from us his Facebook shows he lives in another state. Which would be roughly 6 or 7 hours away. I know he is someone she went to school with. But that's about it.

I haven't read everything on exposure but I have read some so far. This happened 2 weeks ago and I've only been reading this site for a couple days. I do understand to concept of exposure. But I'll be honest, it does scare me. What if she shuts me out even more? Or leaves? My greatest fear is to expose this and shame her in front of her family and friends and have her hate me forever. But at the same time I know the affair needs to end

I would get to his Facebook page [sign out] and get all the information you can on him. Copy and paste his Facebook contacts into a text doc for safekeeping.


Your greatest fear should be divorce, because that is where you are headed now if you don't bust up this affair. The longer you enable her affair, the more entrenched it becomes and the harder it will be to save your marriage. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger over exposure; it cannot survive an affair.

She will be FURIOUS when you wreck her affair. Just as a crackhead would be furious when you take away the crack. BUT, when she sobers up, she will THANK YOU. She is high on an affair right now in the same way a crack head is high on crack. You need to view it that way in order to understand her mindset.

We were all scared of exposure, but every recovered marriage on this forum attributes it to exposure. It is your MOST effective, potent weapon.

I might have actually started this process. I have talked to her mother like I have said. Now I have told her 3 sisters, my brother in law and her brother. She does not know that they know though.

I'm starting to read the exposure thread but I am at work now. Do I tell her I am doing this? Do I do this and then tell her? And I assume our children should not know?

That is not exposure. Please go read the thread and my talking points so you understand what to say.


No, you would not tell her. She will find out when she gets a flood of calls from family and friends asking her to end her affair. This needs to be done in a STRATEGIC manner so it hits the affairees like a tsunami.

And yes, you should tell your 8 yr old. He is old enough to understand and should know what his mother is doing to his family.

You will want to expose to the OM's family and friends too. When you are finished exposing, you should call that piece of crap and tell him he needs to stay away or you will make his life holy hell.

PLEASE STOP doing this until you have a plan in place and understand how to expose. You need to be very strategic.

What EXACTLY did you tell these people?

I simply went to her mom for help and guidance. Her mom recommended I talk to my wife's oldest sister and her husband because the 3 of them have already talked and have been worried about us. The remaining siblings were actually told by my mother in law so they understood why she was breaking plans to try to see if my wife would open up to her.

I just finished reading the thread you linked. When I started talking to her mother it was not intended as starting the exposure. It was really just for help. The others became involved because we are a very close family, even though they are actually her family.

Since you have finished reading ML's exposure thread, you understand that the next step is to create a list of all your exposure targets. Next send them the exposure letter and ask them for their help and support. Expose all at once to everyone on your list.

Find the OM and run him off.

Don't tell your wife about the exposure. She'll find out and will be very angry, but exposure is still the right thing to do. Tell your three children in an age appropriate way that Mommy has a boyfriend and married people aren't supposed to have boyfriends.

The other part of Plan A is to eliminate all your love busters. Address your wife's complaints and stop doing those things you know bother her.

Ok, thanks. In that case, I would do an exposure using the talking points in my thread. Call or email all these people yourself, tell them about the affair and ask them to use their influence to persuade your wife to end her affair. The more people who will call her, the more pressure you will put in the affair.

I would find the OM's parents, family and friends and expose to them too - all on the same day. Once you are finished with your exposures, it is a good idea to confront the OM and let him know there is no future for him with your wife.

I have stopped the things that previously bothered her. Now what's bothering her is that she says she doesn't feel like working on things anymore. And the more I try, the more I push her away.

That's because she is having an affair and her love bank is closed to you. Just make sure you eliminate your love busters.

Your best strategy for now is to expose her affair swiftly and widely and bust up the affair.

Right. She won't try because she is having an affair. This is why it is critical that you kill the affair. If anything will kill the affair, it is exposure.

Who is on your exposure list from the OM's side?

Your WW's affair will not end until you do a full exposure. Do not tell WW before exposing. Do not use exposure as a threat if she does not stop the affair.

I think that he doesn't have information on the OM. Try looking at OM friend's fb pages and you might see some public posts from him. Also, you have his phone number, so at least try google. If he uses that phone for business, too, you might be able to find him or info about him that way.

While the affair lives it bothers her that you breathe.

You need to kill the affair first with exposure.

Your son will be one of the most important targets because he will have heard and seen confusing things. Upon exposure he will be enabled to talk about how distressing it's been - that's a powerful wake up call for waywards.

Lots of kids say they are ignored at the onset of an affair, or snapped at for interrupting phone calls. Obviously they think it's their fault they are suddenly unpopular. Then the other parent leaves them (is really forced out) This is why Dr H recommends exposure to children - he's been seeing this pattern for over 20 years.

No one would have an A if they had to tell their kid first.