Hi everyone!

I need some advice on whether I should go back to my ex of 5+ years or stay with current girlfriend of 4 months.

Long story short, my partner cheated on me on and off for 1 year with the same person. I stayed with her and tried to work on things. About 4 months ago I gave up and ended things with her. This came as a shock to her and she says she was very confused. Over the past 2 months she is stating how she is miserable and wants to work on things. She says she made a huge mistake and regrets everything.

She sent me the following email:

What I can give:

A Commitment to You I am committed to making our relationship work. I am committed to putting in the time and effort I was not willing to put in before. This means trying to understand where you are coming from. Making compromises that will help the both of us enjoy our relationship more. Making you and our relationship the number one priority in my life. Having you and only you as the only person in my life that I am romantically involved with. Putting for some serious effort to keeping our relationship fresh and fun.

A Commitment to Communication I am committed to making sure our line of communication is open and well used. I know that communication is important in a relationship and I want to ensure that we are able to communicate with each other effectively. This means talking over the phone on a regular basis. Keeping each other n the loop as to what is going on in our lives with work, friends and family. Going out together with our friends both as a couple and individually. Discussing an issues that may arise so that we can tackle them immediately. Feeling comfortable talking about our feelings with each other. Letting each other know where we are to ensure that neither of us have to worry about the other's safety.

A Commitment to Rebuilding Trust I am committed to regaining your trust in our relationship. This is the biggest and hardest to succeed in because it encompasses all the bad and nasty things we've said and done to each other. It's all the negative things that we hold on to and replay in our minds until we feel safe in the relationship and that safety doesn't come quickly. It takes time. There is no one I would rather spend the rest of my life with than you. I am 100% sure of this. I will do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust in our relationship. It's something we have to work on together and will take time.

A Commitment to Being Faithful I am committed to having a faithful relationship with you. If there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that I want to be in a monogamous relationship. Knowing that my partner is not going to commit themselves in any way (emotionally or physically) with another person is really important to me. I know that I do not want to cheat and I will not cheat in any way if we are to make our relationship work. This is extremely important. We have had way too much of this in our relationship. Way too much back and forth on both ends. Cheating is unacceptable and I am committed to never cheating on you ever again.

A Commitment to Aiding in Each Other's Happiness The best part of a relationship is being a part of the other person's life that aids in making them happy. Surprising you just because. Celebrating with you if you get good news. Making you smile because you think I'm silly. Playing with Broadway together. Overall just being there and being supportive. Being on your side when you are frustrated at work. Finding a way to cheer you up (even if it is just sour punch straws...or sending you a clip of your fav sex scene on the L Word...which btw, I've included a clip for your viewing pleasure **edit** I want to be your rock and stronghold and I want you to be the same for me. We deserve to be happy and I believe we can be happier together.

A Commitment to a Physically Intimate Relationship It's no secret to either of us that our sex life has been a roller coaster throughout our relationship. We've both been denied by the other at times. At times it has been great for both of us and other times we both checked out at the same time due to work and being tired and other day to day deterrents. I am committed to getting our sex life back to when it was great for the both of us. We weren't upset with each other we just genuinely enjoyed being around each other and so wanting to be intimate and share ourselves with each other just came naturally. It felt right and it was always great. I want to get back to that, of course now that we are more mature and we know our bodies better, it will be all the better for the both of us. I truly love you. There is no better intimacy that what is shared between two people who truly love each other. I am committed to showing this intimacy with you on a regular basis (and if you're looking for a number, that would be no less than 3 times a week...I'm guessing we'd see each other at least 3 times a week if we were to immediately start working on our relationship).

what I want...all of the above and a few small things (which I can also give)...

A Relationship that is not Built on Drinking It is hard to build a relationship with meaning if we spend all of our time together drinking. I have cut back on drinking quite a bit and I think that it has been good for me and I think it could be good in our relationship. Don't get me wrong, I love a good glass of wine every now and then but I rarely indulge. I want a good quality of life and a healthy relationship, not one where we have to drink to deal with each other or to have a good time.

A Balanced Relationship A relationship is not about who is doing who a favor or who feels like they have the upper hand. Being in a relationship should be a completely humbling experience. I would be lucky to have you in my life and the same goes for you. We are both great people and we would be lucky to share each other's company and love. I want to be wanted like I want you. Otherwise, it's not a true relationship.


I would love for you to have a decision as to how you would like to move forward by next week. It's been over three months that you have been openly dating Laura and almost 5 months all together. If she is the person you want to be with, I cannot change that. I don't believe that you truly want to be with her. I think it's easy and care-free and maybe you can see yourself making it work with her. I know that you could make it work with her. I would like to hope that you would want to have a truly meaningful and loving relationship with me rather than just making it work with someone else. I cannot make that decision for you, of course. You know in your heart if you actually want to work things out with me. You were right, it has been a really bad year. It's been back and forth with the both of us. Sure, our friends have their opinions but I honestly don't give a [censored] what they think. If they don't support me in my life decisions, I don't really consider them friends. It's time to make a decision if we are going to make it work. I am completely committed to you. I don't want you to spend the next 2, 3, 4, 5 months dating someone else in hopes that it may fizzle out and maybe you will want to be with me. It truly does not work that way. I know that I can move on too. I don't want to. I want you in my life as my partner, my lover, my best friend. I do want an answer by Monday if you want to work on us. I can't fight for you if you don't want me.

Love always,
Tawatha
_______________________________________________________________
Advice please!

Kelly

I didn't read all of that email. Given that your ex-gf cheated on for over a year and basically gave you the finger and continued to cheat on you...I would never go back to her for that alone.


I find this ^^^^ so incredibly insulting that I would have nothing to do with your X. If you jumped into a relationship with your new gf quickly (sounds like it) that may have been a bad move but even if you don't want to be in a serious relationship with your current gf there is no way in the world I'd recommend you go back to your troll of an ex.

ETA: And you know, you can be single. That is an option. If my bf had to wonder if he should reconcile with his cheating ex, he would be doing me a favor by breaking up with me.

Hi black raven. Thank you so much for responding. For some reason, I don't really find that last paragraph insulting but maybe I should. I really get along great with my current (new) girlfriend and the sex is great.

For some reason though, I still find myself wondering about my ex.

Kelly

Could you please be more upfront about your sexual orientation? The use of the term "ex" is pretty misleading on a marriage site.

kwarden, please familiarize yourself with Dr. Harley's writings and posts on homosexual relationships. In addition to a chapter devoted to this subject in his book Defending Traditional Marriage, he did comment on the application of his program to such relationships. Please read Do My Basic Concepts Apply to Same-Sex Marriages?

If you have any further questions, please feel free to contact Dr. Harley on his radio show at the radio link at the top of each page. Thank you.