My husband and I have been married for 7 years and living together prior to that for 6 years. After about 3 months of living with him I had found hundreds of porn videos on his computer. So I took the entire folder of them and through them in the trash and emptied the trash. He then came home and after a few hours then asked me if I had used his computer. I then told him yes I did and I found some things that I threw away. He then got irate and yelled at me telling me how could I invade his privacy, this was his collection. I was disgusted and disappointed. But I then made peace with it. Our sex life at that point was great, everything was new and exciting.

Fast forward through the years and our sex life is now pretty nil. I have found more porn and a sex simulation game on his computer (I had no idea they even existed). So I confronted him about it. I said I found something today that I want to show you, I had taken photos of what was on his computer as well as went the actual web addresses on my phone on tabs. I also had been searching this website for some info on how to deal with this, so I also had tabs about Dr. Harley�s scourge of pornography and porn addiction articles. When I handed him the phone he scrolled through the tabs abit so I know he was sure to see EVERTHING I had tabbed included the MB articles.

He then asked me what brought all this on and ever since has been redirecting the conversation to something that I have done. He hasn�t denied or admitted to having looked at porn. Now he is upset with me, not talking to me, and pretty much ignoring me.

About 3 months ago, I was fed up with the lack of intimacy so I printed out the LB questionnaires and we both filled them out. To my surprise we were on the same page with everything, so I really couldn�t figure out why things were not happening. ANY advise you can give me at this point would be great. I am at the point where I think separation might be what we need to do. Because this �technically� isn�t cheating do I proceed with Plan A???? I am at a loss here.

As porn is a sexual experience with someone else than your spouse, many people including myself consider it cheating, although it has different aspects as a reciprocal affair with another human being.

As you have read in the article about porn, it is irrelevant if he considers it cheating or offensive. He should stop this habit, because it bothers you and that should be enough, even if your sex life was great.

The best way to solve this is to not love bust, but complain respectfully for a certain amount of time. If he refuses to discuss the subject or to make changes, you should separate. Do not threaten him with separation, but have your deadline for yourself. If it should come to a separation, ideally he should leave the house, not you.

Even if he decides to (pretend to) go along with no porn, you should only accept this in combination with extraordinary precautions. This could mean no acces to internet without you present, including smartphone-internet.

Plan A being that you clean up your side of the street and behave in an elegant and pleasant way without love busters, it is good to do that. Note that plan A is not plan doormat and you should not take abuse and have a limited period of time that you can manage to do this, until he agrees to stop porn and focus his sexual energy on you. If nothing changes you should go through with the separation, as this is bad for your own health.

Do you have any children?

Thank you for your response happyheart, no we currently do not have any children (at this point I am glad we do not). Which is yet another touchy subject.

When we first met he was all about having kids, even in our premarital counceling we both agreed that we wanted to start a family. We had planned to spend 2-3 years together without children and then try to start a family. Because of some health issues I was facing, there was a time where I had to have surgery and was told by the doctor that the best time to try to conceive would be 3-6 months after my surgery.

I think the pressure of that time period for us to have sex was too much on him and he may have an aversion to sex. With masterbating there is no pressure to 'perform', no emotional baggage etc.

As the first post states, our sex life is pretty nil. I began noticing that he began preferring other methods of intimacy with me rather than actual intercourse. I approached him with this subject about 8 months ago. This is when he told me that he no longer wanted to have children, that he doesn't think he would be a good Dad.

This was heartbreaking to me. I have always wanted children and now I also feel like he lied before we were married about having children to 'seal the deal'. Everything with our marriage right now seems so upside down and not what we both need in our marriage.

me 34, DH 32
No children

Have you listened to the clips in here? Dr. Harley talks about the contrast effect from porn.

Dr. Harley on the Scourge of Pornography

Thanks Brainhurts, yes, I have listened to all of them. I actually had all of the radio shows and that specific article up on the 'tabs' of my phone while I showed him the evidence I found.

I guess I just do not know what to do next. I am thinking that separation is my next step??? There needs to be some sort of consequence for his actions but I also want us to become loser in our marriage. Do I ride out this storm? I also want to be a supportive wife and help him through this addiction.

I do have another question, is porn treated like infidelity and it should be exposed??

Have you snooped some more? Porn is one of the most common reasons for men not to want to have sex, because it is the MacDonald's meal of sex. No effort, quick.

Also it is possible that he changed his mind about having children, although he was very enthousiastic in the beginning. On the other hand, you should always rule out the possibility that he is bonding with someone else on the side and contemplating leaving, as a possible reason for a sudden mind change. Dr. Harley actually promotes snooping, until it gets boring (aka, you don't find anything disturbing).

Have you read some of the other materials on the website? Dr. Harley encourages couples to spend lots of time together doing fun things out of the house (at least 15 hours). A Week that is, not per year. Because of the positive feelings towards each other that are created by this bonding time, conflict resolution gets much much easier, especially if you can eliminate any love busters in your relationship. You find the basic concepts at the top of this page.

Generally porn would not be as widely exposed as an actual affair, e.g. to the work place and all of the friends, but it can be valuable to talk to your respective families who might support you.

Can you have a conversation with him and tell him calmly that it is bothering you and that he has to make a choice between porn and you, because it is bothering you a great deal? Do not threaten to leave him and leave the conversation calmly if one of you gets angry or if the conversation turns nasty. Just state your problem and that it hurts you a great deal and that you want to have a better, fun and loving marriage with him, but the porn has to go. Do not assume anything and try to not put him down.

Thank you for the response happy. I did try to snoop some more but since then my hubby has put a lock on his computer and devises. Which further fuels my speculation that he is hiding even more than what I found.

My husband is VERY much an extrovert and a home body, so I seriously doubt that there is another person on the side. But I will say that the thought had crossed my mind.

We both have read His Needs, her Needs as well as Love Busters together. It has been awhile but I still reference them quite frequently as well the EN questionares that we filled out only months ago. I just want to make sure that I am not doing anything that would upset him.

My husband and I have/had an issue with IB. There is no WAY we are spending the recommended 15 hours a week together. In fact, we have gotten into MANY arguments about IB. He feels IB is essential to a relationship. I agree but when IB is 90% of the time we could be spending together, thats where I see the issue lying.

The IB has gotten to the point where we will be cuddling and spending time together watching and commenting on one of our favorite shows and as SOON as the show is over, he puts in a video game or is on his computer as if I am not even there. he knows this bothers me as I have brought it up to him on numerous occasions.

Thank you for all of the support and advise!!!

I will have a conversation with him that reiterates that the porn has got to go. I was fairly surprised and proud of how calmly I brought the porn to his attention the first time. (there was ALOT of praying to God I would not lose my temper before that convo happened)

I did tell him when I found the porn that it hurt me a great deal which in turn elicited no response from him other than, what is bringing all of this (snooping) on.

I will tell him this time that there is a choice and that he has to make that choice. My husband is one that needs time in order to freely talk about situations. He is currently in the 'thinking' stage of this conflict, do you think that I should talk to him after he is 'out of this stage'? With him, it's no telling how long this could last. Some of our conflicts have lasted over a week b/c he didn't want to talk about it.

What you are describing here is bigger than porn - which is enough to cause divorce. Non PoJA, having no say in IB is relationship cancer. I'd tell him plainly it's a deal breaker. You are not an accessory to his marriage with the computer.

Yes separation is a tough call but when there's cancer you need chemo. You'll save yourself at the very least.

Don't argue though. It looks weak, looks like you're not going anywhere and makes you unattractive.

For me this secretiveness would be an instant bag packer and call to the locksmith. It's the plainest way of saying he cares not what you think and he feels perfectly free to hurt you.

You never had a real marriage to begin with.
He's been married to porn longer than you. If anything, you are the mistress and being with you is his way of cheating on porn.

His allegiances obviously are far from you.

Do you enjoy living like this?
Would you like to spend the rest of your life like this or maybe just the next 5, 10, 15 years?
I'm surprised you've already committed more than a decade of your life to such a low life man.

Thank you all for the comments and advice.

May husband came to me last night after not talking to me for 2 days, and he admitted to being addicted to porn. He said he was sorry that it hurt me. He also said that he has been conflicted with this for quite some time now (years in fact). He feels as if he has been secretly hypocritical being a man of God and living this lie as well as feelings of guilt. He also said that the porn had nothing to do with me at all. He likened it to a person addicted to cigarettes or alcohol.

We are still having conversations about this and will continue to work on his addiction and IB. I am going to suggest that we start counseling as well as him giving me FULL visibility to his internet and gaming where a bouts. I plan to purchase a 'spy ware' program for his devices so that he can be help accountable when he has a relapse. I will also inform him that if this happens again that a separation is going to have to take place. I cannot and will not feel as if I am 'the mistress' to his porn.

I am also going to suggest that we listen to MB radio once a week as a part of healing our marriage and spending time together. Do you guys have any other suggestions that I am not thinking about??

That is not enough. For the time being he should not have any opportunity to use the computer without you present. And this stage may last years or lifelong

I will talk to him about being present during his computer use. At this point, he is very embarrassed and no longer wants to discuss the porn addiction. I am not having AO or any LB when we are conversing about his porn use. So I am now at a loss as to what to do. I am highly considering separation.

Since he revealed his porn addiction to me, he has revealed to me now more than ever that we have a HUGE IB problem. It's a long complicated story so I will give you a HIGHLY abbreviated one. We have 1 joint bank account and we also each have a separate bank account. His mom recently gave him a LARGE sum of money in the form of a gift. He has since purchased 2 full scale arcade video game machines without asking for my opinion on them. I was highly concerned at first but then saw that maybe this could draw us closer together as I also enjoy playing the games. Currently they are both being housed at his mom's house as they cannot fit in our current house.

Last night he 'accidentally' revealed that he has since bought 2 more full scale arcade video game machines that he would need to build cabinets for. Again without asking my opinion or even giving ANY regard to where we were going to put them. I told him that I have a problem with that. He then said that he did indeed tell me that he bought them and that I understood what that meant.

The fact remains that my husband did not ask my opinion about them in the first place. This behavior has pretty much been going on from day 1. We both have read and signed the POJA, read LB and HNHN. All of which were my idea. At this point I am feeling like I am the only one trying to save this marriage.

An Arcade machine? and 2, no 4 of them???? Well, that seals the deal. He is not only married to video games, he has lost all grip on reality. And frankly my dear, if his mother puts up with having her house look like a cheap casino, she is a huge enabler.

Listen, please.
You have a marriage that is not a real marriage.
Can it be turned around? Yes it is possible.

will it happen by magic? Or by listening to Dr. Harley on the Radio Show once a week? No. Even if Dr. Harley moved into your living room with a sleeping bag and preached to your husband with a blackboard it wouldn't magically change your marriage.

Did you ask your husband to end all internet access without your presence? Did he agree?

Counselling is a dreadful idea. We tend to mop up the messes from regular counselling all the time and they have a higher rate of divorce than the general population. Not used MB counselling myself but people say Steve Harley is great with husbands. You can also get access to Dr H if you get the online program.

In your shoes, I'd say he sells the arcade games and uses it to fund the MB counselling if he's looking to impress you. The 'I thought you would enjoy it too' line sounds bogus to me - why hide it and be secretive if so?

If you genuinely would enjoy the activity, then keep them by all means, but make sure you make the money more transparent.

Did his mother knowingly help hide this from you?

Separate bank accounts encourage independent behaviour. I'd ask him to close his and start using PoJA to make spending decisions.

However you also need to factor in that you may need to plan financially for a separation if he keeps this up.

Thank you all for your advice. I am at my wits end. I am spiraling into a serious deep depression, something I have never felt before. I have exposed all of these things to both of our parents and a few of our close friends. I can't do this alone. I am going to go to the doctor hopefully today to get some medication for my depression.

I have decided to give him a separating letter, the one that is in the 'surviving an affair' book today. I am convinced more than ever that this NEEDS to happen. Do I want to separate from him?? No, I love him. But I cannot and will not be treated like this.