I am a 42 year BH. I found out about my WW (also 42)affair on 2/24/15. I saw a very incriminating text messages. She is having the affair with a person who use to be my best friend. So a double whammy. The affair has been going on since end of January 2015. I have been doing plan A and have made positive changes in my self. I am also on anti depressants and in IC.

The problem is when I told my kids about the affair girls age 9 and 12. My WW get really mad at me and is still holding it against me. Then when I did the exposure she got even madder and has said she will not do MC and wants a divorce. She states I should have told her before I did the exposure and it was very passive aggressive move on my part.

It seems all the things being recommend have backfired on me. If anything it has driven WW and OM closer together.

Any tips on what I should do next?

Hi ylab, welcome to Marriage Builders. To whom did you expose and what did you say? What was your method of exposure?

I exposed through facebook and used the exposure letter template on this form with a few changes. Her family and my family also know about the affair.

99% of waywards say the same thing about exposure. It sounds to me like you hit the mark.
It will put the pressure on both of them and many times this pressure will cause the affair to implode.

Be patient, Plan A.
I applaud your actions, especially telling the children. They need to know it is NOT them that is creating havoc.

Remember she is in addiction mindset, it may have been going on longer than you know, so the addiction could be strong.
She will say and do things that make no sense, she will be an angry loose cannon.

Please be prepared with a VAR, as many times at this point waywards will start fights and even get RO/PO started.

What about HIS family? Is he married?

His family and friend also got the exposure letter. He is married and I have talked to his wife and she has been very helpful and just as upset as me. He has 3 boys ages 15 to 20.

It's good that she will not do MC. MC is more likely to encourage her to divorce than to save your marriage.

Does she appear to have done anything about getting a divorce?

Do not allow her to take the children from your home. Do not move out yourself, and do not ask her to move out. Your best bet is for her to stay in the home while you Plan A - assuming you want to save the marriage.

In what way does this appear to be pushing her and OM together? Has he flat-out told you that he is going to take your wife away from you? And on that subject, how did they initially make contact? Does he live near you? How have they been able to see each other?

What have you said to him?

Well, given that he is married and she knows, he is very unlikely to be getting closer to your wife and planning to leave with her. He is pooping his pants at the thought that his marriage might break up over this.

Your wife will soon see that he has no intention of leaving his marriage for her, and that will cause the affair to end more quickly.

Has the wife contacted your wife? She needs to put the fear of God into her, that if your wife does not leave her marriage alone, and does anything more to wreck her kids lives, your wife will wish she had not been born. Don't tell her this, or put words into her mouth; I'm just wondering if your wife knows that she knows, and is aware that she is not going to hand over her marriage to your wife.

I know she has seen a divorce lawyer but has not filed any papers yet. My WW does no the other wife knows. The other wife and OM do not have a good relationship and were headed on path of divorce when I discovered the affair.

They made contact as he was my best friend and would come over and hang out with me a lot and also did work on our house. Yes he is local and no we can not move due to her medical practice. They see each other during her lunch as he is a contractor and has a free schedule. She calls him from her job. In my IC I was told not to talk to OM at all. So no I have not talked to him.

I just feel it drives them closer as they get to commiserate about their marriages and work together. She has changed all her passwords and does not text anymore. They use an app called cyberdust which the message disappears after being sent (very teenage like).

She has stated every time older daughter gets mad at her and brings up affair it just makes her more angry at me. I think does help that the kids now hate OM.

Yes I want to save marriage and have no plans of moving out and I do not think she does either. As we both know the legal ramifications of it.

What does VAR and RO/PO stand for?

Voice activated recorder

Restraining order/protective order

Waywards get crazy when you threaten their addiction.

You've exposed to mutual friends too? Does anyone enable the A or does everyone oppose it?

Some times this does temporarily make them feel united against the world, but theirs is a fair weather fantasy not suited to the rigours of losing everyone's respect.

Dr H encourages BH to confront OM. Take a friend and have him hold you back if necessary. I would be going over to your wife's practice of a lunchtime if you can.

Do all you can to disrupt the A and look like you care enough to. Your IC is a fool.

Counsellors do not exist for the purposes of practical help.

You could make his life very difficult as a contractor.
Most people won't want to do business with an adulterer, just saying you could post up flyers about him and his business.

Have you exposed on the websites like playerblock, and the others.

Has the other man's wife exposed on her side, will she confront your wife? Intel from her will be powerful, for instance if she is filing for divorce, that will be even more pressure on the adultery.

If he is the Owner of the contracting business, then most companies are listed in various Contractor Review Sites.

Google his company name and post factual statements about his adultery side business.

LTL

The OM wife has exposed it on her side. I will have to ask to see if she will confront my wife.

He does all his contract business by word of mouth and cash deals. I will have to see if their are any reviews I can make comments on.

I will think about talking to him it will be very hard as he was such a good friend.

Thank you for all the support and great advice it is greatly appreciated.

He is probably on Angies list if he is a contractor.

Did you expose to the OM's family and friends? When you say her family "knows" what does that mean? What were they told and by WHoM?

Is her family supporitng your marriage? Did they call her and ask her to end her affair?

And also, exposure did not "backfire" on you. The madder the waywards, the more effective your exposure. IF it had no effect, she wouldn't care at all. I would just be sure and broaded your exposure. Speak to the OM's parents and family members. Confront the OM.

Keep in mind, the goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid anger at all cost.

Yes I did expose to the OM family and friends.

I know my MIL loves me very much as she told me yesterday. I am not sure what they support though as I think they do not want to get in middle of it. My theory is blood is thicker than water when it comes to family.

I will try to confront other man will have to bring some one along with me. Mainly for support.

Just this morning my oldest DD got in an argument with mom about make up (12 year old) I did back up WW. But then DD starting yelling at her about the affair and how she hates OM and wants WW to move out. Then I get from WW this is your fault she is acting like this cause you told her. Which I replied it would of never happened if you didn't do what you did. When I told DD's they pretty much knew already I just confirmed it for them. Kids are pretty observant.
I just don't understand why she keeps blaming me for their response to her. Sorry for the rant.

She keeps blaming others so she won't have to face the truth. Don't argue with her, just say "I am sorry you chose to have an affair. I am not going to hide that for you." Just think of a crack head who is getting high. You just brought in a crowd of onlookers to watch the crackhead get high. it makes them furious and ruins the fun!!