After reading Surviving Infidelity, I am fairly certain my husband is going through withdrawal from the woman he has been having an emotional affair with for the past 5 months. By the time I found out about it, it was over, but they were still friends and still texting each other endlessly. We have decided to work on repairing the marriage, so I asked that he cut her off completely. I don't see how I can trust him otherwise. I even said that I would work on trusting them so they could be friends again in the future... but not now. That lasted less than 48 hours before she texted him again. I am not sure I am ok with them ever being friends if she can not respect our request for her to stay away while we rebuild our marriage... but, that is another discussion. What I am hoping for help with now, is how to help him through the addiction to her and their relationship. He says he wants to be home with me and that he wants to repair our marriage, but he is going through depression and anxiety. This is not something he has ever experienced before, but I have always battled it and know the signs. We are doing great at repairing things and taking things one day at a time, but I don't know how to help him through this.

Hi Hopefulwife, welcome to Marriage Builders. We can help you get through this affair if you follow these very specific steps on this checklist. The most imporatant element is that your husband never see or speak to the OW again. Anytime he communicates with her, his feelings will be triggered again. And that is ok if you want to end your marriagae. But if you want to be married, he can never be "trusted" to be around her again. Here is the checklist:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Also, please change your screen name to something unique. There are so many "hopefulwife's" that it will be impossible to keep your story straight. You can change you screen name in preferences.

I did read that post and understand all the steps. I also sent it to my husband to look at so we can start working through all this. I am just wondering what I can do to help him emotionally. As much as I hate that he is going through these emotions for another woman, the fact is, he is. I am still his best friend and I want to make this easier for him and support him through it. I just don't know how.

I would see your doctor to get on anti-depressants. You have been through a traumatic shock that is as traumatic as physical assault or the death of a child. Do you have a physician you can see?

I would ask your husband to not talk about the OW. As long as you have all the facts, it should not be brought up again.

Has the affair been exposed? Do you have some good moral support to get you through this trying time?

He is a big boy who can handle his own emotions. My question is what is he doing to help you? You are the victim here, not him. He volunteered for this.

Everything has been exposed and we took some time apart to sort out our own issues. We have talked, yelled and hugged. We have decided to try to repair our marriage and we will be going to therapy together and separately. I know I am the victim as far as the affair is concerned, but I played a part is destroying our marriage as well... I take ownership of my faults as does he. I know he can take of himself, but I am his best friend and wife and want to help him through it.

The best way for him to get through it is to dedicate himself to this program of recovery.

Maintaining No Contact with the OW, and dedicating himself to having 25 hours of UA with you a week meeting the 4 intimate emotional needs will do more for you than anything else.

Work down the checklist posted above. Look in antidepressants for both of you. And start the program of recovery.

BUT. ... you did not play a part in the affair. And that is what rocked your marriage.


The best thing he can do is make amends to his victim. He can implement extraordinary precautions to ensure this never happens again and strive to create a happy, romantic marriage with you. Making amends to his victim will help him more than anything.

Is the OW married and if so, was this affair exposed to her husband?

I would hope not (she said shocked into being ungrammatical) because they ain't friends.

Don't be ok with any woman buddying up to your husband. Even the ones who aren't having an affair with your husband.



Hope is worth squat to you. 95 pc of affairs end when a betrayed spouse can square up to them. That gives you the best shot. Never seen hope achieve more than a house of mirrors effect where the BS wanders around looking for signs instead of being wary.

What you need is to stop being hopeful and start being a bit more of a firecracker. He stops or he's out.

You can't 'help someone through an addiction' - an addict by definition loves the addiction most and has a knife at your back if you endanger it.

Men tend to stay in love with their wives and the mistress simultaneously. So if you 'understand' this it will go on indefinitely.

While Dr H encourages men to remain wooing their wives in Plan A (while they hiss at him) he encourages women to cut off contact with their husbands within three weeks.

He isn't going through withdrawal. He's having his cake and eating it too.

You will have to draw a very hard and fast line to get him to withdrawal.

Any breaks you give an addict will just be taken.

Exposure comes first. How have you done with that?

The A wasn't satisfying full time then I take it. More than good enough part time though.



But you can't do that while affair contact is on going.

Obviously.

And however poor your marriage was, it's no excuse for an affair. A man whose wife is in a permanent coma but has no female friends will not have an affair.

A happily married man with another woman meeting his key emotional needs will.

It boils down to whether he will exclude other women, starting with her. You can make him as happy as you please AFTER he pledges that one little thing.

Counsellors have a higher rate of divorce than the general population.

You are not ill or maladjusted and neither is he. All people are wired to have affairs. There is nothing wrong here that NC won't solve.

Who do you have watching her on her end? Do her parents/husband/friends know she is chasing a married man and do they care?

I heard an interesting Marriage Builders Radio show recently where Dr. Harley said that often when he hears a spouse ask "What can I do better?" that what's behind it is that they are in a marriage where the OTHER spouse needs to do better. They are hoping that if they do better their spouse will finally step up and stop abusing them, neglecting them, having an affair, or engaging in addictive behavior.

So hopefulwife, I echo what MelodyLane is saying: it's not for you to help your husband, here - he needs to help YOU! He will feel better when he does a better job of taking care of you, the woman he hurt by first promising to love and be faithful to and then breaking his promise.

Certainly if your marriage was bad before the affair there may be some things you can do differently, but it is all pointless if your husband won't even do basic steps to end the affair and make a future affair impossible. Don't let him excuse himself for not doing these things by saying he feels bad. If he won't go through the steps to end an affair from Dr. Harley that MelodyLane posted, regardless of his reason, let him know that you will be willing to build a good marriage with him WHEN he takes these steps, and ONLY WHEN he takes these steps. Then, protect yourself and your marriage by separating from him.

Here is the radio show broadcast from Dr. Harley I referred to above:

Marriage Builders Radio, October 10, 2013

Be sure and listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, daily. Dr. Harley is the best expert in the world on recovering from an affair.