If your lovebank is that low than separation is the best thing for your marriage. You don't want the resentment to go beyond fixable.

Not to mention your own mental health.

Stem the tide now, you can rebuild the marriage when he's on board. Don't try to drag him uphill.

Thank you indie, I know that this is for the best right now. All I can do at this point is pray for him, myself and our marriage. It is in God's hands.


Thank you. This is sound advice and I needed to hear this. Thank you.

Can you afford consulting with Steve Harley?

SH is said to be good with reluctant husbands.

I would LOVE to be able to talk to SH. Money is going to be tight but I would really like for both my husband and I to talk to him. I like indie's suggestion.

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In your shoes, I'd say he sells the arcade games and uses it to fund the MB counselling if he's looking to impress you.
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At this point I think that counseling is going to have to be his idea. He is going to have to want to change his habits. It is going to take time but I believe that with separation this will happen.

It doesn't matter whose idea it is as long as he does it!

I'd tell him the idea but that you expect him to run with it as you don't have the energy to push him.

The reason why I suggested consulting with Steve Harley is so he could help guide you on this separation.
Technically, Plan B is designed to preserve a love bank balance during a spouses affair and protect the betrayed spouses emotional health. There is absolutely no contact during Plan B until the wayward spouse commits to ending all contact with the affair partner.

In your case, there isnt an active affair but a lot of neglect, independent behavior and sexual fulfillment outside of marriage (pornography). So during your separation Steve Harley could work with your husband and tell YOU when it is safe to see him for dates and eventually let him move back in. He has done this for some veteran posters on here and I think it would help you immensely.

Thank you for all of your comments. Jedi, do you think that I should ask for my husbands blessing on contacting SH? Should I wait a few days until he cools off and then ask how he would feel about it? Or should I do it right away?

I personally would like to do it right a away but since he is an addict to not just porn but also video games, I believe he is now in the 'withdrawal' stage and is extremely angry and feeling betrayed. I do not want to further drive a wedge between us. I would hope that wouldn't happen but I have no idea what he is going through at this point.

Do 'wayward spouses' usually leave the plan B letter behind after they have read it?

In an addiction or critical marriage situation - you don't use PoJA.

Since accessing help is the only way to protect yourself from marital abuse - and to save the marriage - I would just go ahead and call SH without getting your Hs approval.

He can still choose to get on board at a later date, this is just your own guidance to protect yourself.

As indie Pointed out, the exception to the Policy of Joint Agreement is when health or safety are at risk.
Your husbands behaviors pose a risk to your emotional health so you aren't bound to follow the POJA in seeking protection by contacting Steve Harley for advice.

The POJA is not a loophole that a husband can use to keep his wife from doing Marriage Builders.

I did contact my husband last night. Whether this was wrong to do or not, I felt like we needed to communicate to each other about what is going on. He pointed out that our marriage cannot go on like it has been. We need to seek professional help and really work at saving our marriage. I agreed and will talk to him more about calling SH and REALLY following the MB principles together.

I know that in this I also have things to work on and LB to avoid. We both need to work on the PORH and I need to give him the EN he desires such as words of admiration in a way that he finds fills his love bank.

This is a work in progress and always will be.

Hellobubbles I just read your thread and wanted to tell you that you are not alone in the "porn addiction" world. I have been married 22 yrs. and my DH has enjoyed it for as long as I can remember. It has always bothered me greatly and he is fully aware that I feel like he is having an affair of sorts. I have confronted many times and searched his computer more than I would like to admit. My DH saves really weird and creepy stuff. We recently had a convo about the porn and as he has always said, "I am a grown up and I can do what I want in my free time. If I choose to surf the web for porn after you go to bed then so what." Extremely hurtful everytime. I recently started tracking his web use and he has started switching his browser to "Private Browsing" when he starts the search for porn. Little does he know, I have screen prints of when that happens and what he looks at afterward. I do have access to his computer, email etc. but you just get so tired of feeling like you have to watch over your grown husband and continuously bring the conversation up. There has been little sexual contact between us as well and if I get lucky, its hands only. Which makes me question if he masturbates to the porn regularly. Why would he feel the need to troll porn sites if he was not getting pleasure from it?

The good news for you is that it sounds like you and your husband may be turning the corner. I wish you the best and hope to see that your DH overcomes the addiction.

There is not question whatsoever that he is masturbating to porn it is a given.

If you want help to turn your marriage around and end a 22-year ordeal, you may want to start your own thread.