I have been married to my husband for 13 years and we have two children. In January I had an affair with my son's best friend's father (who is divorced). I thought it was just going to be a one night stand. We both felt very guilty that it happened (too much alcohol) and we both thought of what this could do to our kids. Then at the end of February it happened again after he met my friend and me out at a bar. I am extremely attracted to this man and I have not told my husband, even though I know I should. My biggest obstacle is that I see this man frequently as our kids are best friends and do sleepovers, sports, summer camps, school together. I keep trying to forget it all and move on, but then I see him and we talk and all the feelings come back that I have for him and the whole circle of guilt and wanting surfaces again. I get depressed, I have high anxiety. I want to see him. He said that I can't reveal the affair because it will damage our kids and they will be extremely hurt and nothing good will come out of it. I can't keep living like this and seeing him, but I don't know how to cut things off completely due to the kids. Help!

The first step to cutting things off with the OM is to tell your husband. Will you do that?

Your kids are going to be MORE damaged if you continue this affair. And unless you reveal the affair to your husband and cut off contact with OM, it WILL continue. The truth does not damage children. LIES do.

Will you tell your husband?

I don't know that I can tell my husband right now. The OM is going to be very upset with me if I do. I care about him too even though I am not sure that he feels the same for me.

Affairs are huge addictions and you can't do this alone. As scary as it sounds you have to tell your husband and yeah, you'll have to expose it to the kids too.

It doesn't damage them - on going affairs and confusing signs of trouble do.

We've seen lots of children respond very beneficially to exposure. They feel loved and trusted and it will kill this addiction like nothing else.

Your son will be very hurt and disappointed - but he will still love you.

One of the reasons I ended my marriage was because my ex never had the balls to do what you are considering. I understood attractions happen, I understood the rip tide that sucks you in. but I couldn't forgive his failure to be radically and bravely honest - to ask for help.

For a BS it's not about the sex, it's the lies. You still have the chance to be courageous and honest.

Ask for help, show how honest you can be before you lose everything.

It's common to fear upsetting the OM. You know he's using you and that's why he gets to call the shots.

Please stop putting this scumbags feelings above your family.

So perfectly put, Indie.

LLK1, The feelings of the other man do not matter. What the two of you have done is incredibly hurtful to the two people who love you and the other man the most: your spouses. Please watch this: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1001_infidelity0.html

If you come clean with your husband and children, you will minimize the great damage and harm already done. Do you want this to get worse? Do you want to hurt your husband more? Do you want to damage your own integrity more?

Your attraction to this man is an addiction. And there are no healthy addictions. Addictions lead to only one thing: destruction. Please don't wrought destruction on your family. You will regret it forever.

You must end contact with this man for life and never see him again. This is what Dr. Harley says, "Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity? In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure."

Dr. Harley also says a letter of no contact must be written. Here is more from Dr. Harley: "My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent."

Will you take these steps?

I can't stand that I have to suffer like this emotionally and he gets off scott-free. I know it is my fault too and I am to blame. I feel horrible for doing it in the first place. I just want to talk to him in person and get some closure and tell him that I am thinking about revealing it all.

Do not tell him. You must approach this with complete honesty. Did you read Indie's post about honesty? Tell your husband.

The only closure you should have with the other man is write him a no contact letter as described in my post above.

I hope that the OP is as inspired by that post as I was. Thanks Justthe3ofUs.

llk,

OM is likely divorced because he had affairs on his ex-W and you are another one of his victims. Be doubtful of anything OM has told you, as he may claim that he was the one who was cheated on.

Stop drinking, attend AA if you need to.

Please do not make excuses to your BH that you cheated because you were drunk.

Do not minimize your story either get the complete truth out as quickly as possible, don't trickle truth your BH.

Your no contact with the OM is for life, this also goes for your sons best friend, I'm sorry to say you may have to move away.

Gamma

I can tell you as a man very near to a finalized divorce and who has been living alone for 6 months now, your AP is not getting off scott-free.

For two reasons:

(1) - He has seared off his own conscience and I am sure is reaping the consequences of his moral blindness in other areas of his life, including with his children. I could not stomach getting involved with a married woman because of how it would violate my conscience and my integrity, even with how lonely I am.

I've already turned down date offers from women in my workplace because I'm still legally married and holding out in Plan B for my wife until the end of the year, and these are from single women. I cannot even imagine getting entangled with a married woman right now and how conflicted that would make me feel.

Either this man feels sick the way you do but is irresistibly drawn to you, or he has strangled his internal sense of right and wrong and lives for self-gratification. And most likely the latter of the two. This guy is not a good person, basically. Good men don't get in bed with other men's wives. Weak and reckless men do that sort of thing.

(2) You (or your husband) will expose this man to his friends and family if you want to save your marriage, and there will be repercussions from that. Unless his friends and family are trashy people, they will be very disappointed in his lack of control and good sense. The book of Proverbs says getting involved with another man's wife is like scooping burning hot coals into your own lap and expecting not to get burned. He will be shamed.

If you choose to save your marriage and your family, you will walk away as the person who overcome a terrible mistake and this man who has pursued you will walk away looking like a cheap philanderer. To an outsider, it is not at all as you think, it is nearly the opposite. You will look much the better person for breaking it off.

Don't continue to talk to this man. He is not looking out for your best interests (or your children's) and he will do anything to keep from getting discovered. You need to end contact with him. He is not a person of integrity and you cannot trust him.

Discussing plans together is something that lovers do.

You need to take extreme measures to avoid giving into the temptation to talk to him.

Thank you axslinger85. Your post brought my spirits up.

I'm glad it was helpful.

You have a lot of work to do in regards to getting away from your AP. You need to make plans to have no contact with this man ever again, and if your children have activities together, you need to plan on moving your children into different programs where they will have no contact with his children. It is your son's best friend, but he would be much more hurt by his parents splitting up than he will be losing his best friend. Depending on how close you live to your AP, you may need to move as Gamma said. Also you will need to change your contact info such as email address, phone, and social media accounts.

All of this might sound drastic right now but you need to understand your husband will be devastated and you are extremely vulnerable right now to relapsing and going back to your AP. As other posters have mentioned, it will soften the blow tremendously to your husband if you tell him yourself rather than him finding out on his own. And it will help soften the blow even more if you can present and be prepared with a plan of action to help him be assured that this will never happen again.

Everyone is a little different and reacts to this differently, but it would have made a big difference in my case if my wife had come to me that way rather than me finding out myself after she lied to me repeatedly about it. To the betrayed spouse, there's a huge difference between seeing the wayward spouse recognize a weakness in their character (which all of us have in some area) and someone who is unapologetic or dishonest (which completely destroys the ability to trust).

I would recommend you get a copy of the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley (it's available on this site as well as Amazon and Google Play as an e-book) and it's a quick read. It will help you understand how this happened and how to recover and protect your marriage from it ever happening again.

Be hopeful...most people in your shoes do not realize what they have done until it is far too late. Like typically several years after their betrayed spouse has given up on them and divorced them. You are strong to have gotten mixed up in this and still recognize that you need help and have to end this.

I'm guessing you're probably reading a lot of posts on here right now and I'd recommend you do a search for the user GloveOil. He is a husband that was in your shoes at one point and recovered his marriage, he has excellent advice for people in your shoes.

Great you are putting the OM and how he feels ahead of your husband.

Just as the OM put his own feelings ahead of your BH when he banged you.

When do you think that your BH's feelings will come in first?


Sorry your BH needs to be told. You need to go NC with the OM. You could not control yourself so now there are consequences. Your kids can not be friends any more with the kids let alone go to the same school or things as sports and scouts. NC is required for all. Most likely you will need to move your family far away from the OM.

There is no need to see this OM to have NC. Send the OM a text stating that the affair was wrong, you regret the pain that you have caused your BH, that there is to be NC between not only the OM and you but both families as well then block the OM's phone number.

Then tell your BH what has happened. Save the copy of the text to show your BH.

Why are you out getting drunk in bars with your lady friends as if you were still single without your husband?

You get drunk and do the OM. Then you get drunk a second time and have sex with the OM again.

Road makes a good point. Dr. Harley would probably tell you that you should never drink unless your husband is with you, and maybe even quit drinking alltogether.

^
I agree with this. Treatment for your drinking problem would be something I would consider as an EP if I were your husband. You have to eliminate anything that was a major contributing factor to the affair and certainly alcohol was in your case.

I also agree Dr. Harley would likely advise you to do the same, I heard him say this to a woman in a similar circumstance on the radio show a few months back.

ilk, welcome to Marriage Builders. The first step is to tell your husband and cut off all contact with the OM. The OM does not care about you or he wouldn't be degrading you in such a horrible way. He is just using you as an unpaid wh*re. Sorry to be forthright, but it is the truth. He doesn't care about you or your son.

We can't help you unless you tell your husband and end this affair. You are going to wreck your life if you don't do this. You might be able to save your marriage if you come clean.