Warning: This is a bit long and winded and I thank you in advance for reading....

I've been married 14 years. I'm 37 and my husband is 52. For the most part my marriage has been very fulfilling and we've been very happy together.

I'm getting older now and the past couple of years my looks have really begun to change. I'm starting to look much older and "matronly" with my newfound sagging cheeks, rubbish jawline and baggy eyes. For the majority of my adult life I've been on the high end of the 1-10 scale (used to be a promo girl in my younger days). I've come to terms with the fact that I'm losing my looks and I don't care because well, I'm 37 years old and I'm married and always thought I should be able to grow old and ugly with my husband without too big a fuss.

My husband is what you would call a typical beta male. He's not much to look at bordering on unattractive and he's very nerdy and thus painfully socially awkward, but he's very smart which is what always attracted me to him. We got along great and we fell in love and married when I was 23, so he's been with me since I was young and looked my best.

Suddenly a few months ago seemingly overnight I started looking truly terrible (very worn out and tired looking) and for the first time I noticed he started to treat me very differently, or should I say indifferently. He began ignoring me, getting short with me, was stand-offish and treating me callously for no apparent reason. He also stopped being interested in sex. Deep down I knew why and it hurt a lot. It has since caused me to treat him differently as well, and dually, in a not so favorable way.

A couple months ago I began experimenting with facial exercise and yoga and miraculously managed to regain some of my lost youth to the point that I'm actually getting carded again - and he miraculously all of the sudden began paying special attention to me again. Endlessly complimenting me and kissing my rear end, telling me how gorgeous and beautiful I am and yada yada, wanting to have sex and suddenly wanting to resume our romantic Friday date nights.

I still haven't had sex with him and don't plan to. It's been 4 months. Why? Because there is a brewing resentment inside that I cannot negate the fact that he essentially turned his back on me when I was no longer attractive. I honestly feel as though I might never make love to him ever again because he doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve my effort, he doesn't deserve my body nor does he deserve to enjoy my once again sexy, youthful good looks. I almost cannot describe the anger I feel towards him that he could be so disloyal to me, that he could so easily betray me when I was no longer pretty.

I feel like I could truly divorce him over this. The fact that I may very well never make love to him again may be grounds for divorce in and of itself. My anger and sadness overrides any and all intimacy, passion and longing I've ever had for him. I've always been loyal to him, stuck by his side through all his surgeries, financial problems, family crises and have done everything a wife is supposed to do, all the cooking and cleaning and providing great moral and emotional support for her husband the way a wife should - all while knowing full well I could have easily had any other man.

I'm at a loss. I'm at a crossroads. I don't know if I should get out now or try to live with this knowing essentially my entire life as I know it has changed completely. You believe you know somebody and you trust them with your life only to find out it was all projection, based on your own sense of earnesty and loyalty for that person. I will be 50 very soon someday and what's he going to do then? It's a slap in the face - what I thought I knew and believed all these years has been a lie.

That is difficult.

Dr. Harley doesn't recommend women marry younger men because of the stress of trying to keep their looks for their younger husband, but yours is much older that you! You can't keep the looks of a twenty three year old forever! If I was in your situation, I would be very anxious about getting older with that man.

Have you talked with him about this?

37 is not old and I don't understand your mentality that getting older equals allowing yourself to grow ugly. Are you no longer taking care of yourself? Are you looking tired and worn out due to lack of sleep, stress, etc?

If you haven't ever talked to him about this you may be making assumptions that are not his thoughts.

Welcome to MB

Hi Melissa, welcome to Marriage Builders. The basic problem in your marriage is not your looks, but love busters. If he ignored you, and was short with you, that is a serious problem. And perhaps your looks are an issue, but if they are that big of an issue, that is an indicator that the romantic love in your marriage has waned. I would also point out that if you were "tired and worn out" that you put much less effort in your marriage, which had to have had an impact. If you are only going out on one date a week and he is love busting you, that is enough to kill the romantic love in any marriage.

I would wager that your behavior had a lot to do with his. You were "worn out" and then you became rejuvenated. I know my husband likes being around me much more when I am happy, attractive and energetic. And vice versa.

It doesn't sound to me like you have had an honest discussion about his behavior and are making quite a lot of assumptions. There is no excuse for his poor behavior, but your assumptions are making you resentful.

Even so, the basic problem here is neglect and the use of lovebusters.

I would take a more comprehensive approach to changing your marriage instead of focusing on just one aspect because there is a more fundamental problem here. Your resentment will fade if you and your husband restore the romantic love to your marriage.

I would start with an honest discussion of how his behavior has made you feel and ask him if he would follow the guidelines in this program to turn this around. Here is an overview of the Marriage Builders program: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

As usual, MelodyLane says it perfectly.

I am now anxious about growing older with him. I feel as though I could just as well leave him long before I ever reach 50.



I have not directly addressed him about how he was treating me a few months ago when he outright admitted that I am getting older and uglier. He has some kind of autistic Freudian slip issues where he'll sometimes admit his feelings by blurting them out randomly and awkwardly at inappropriate times. We were discussing aging and he absolutely agreed I don't look like the same young woman anymore. What he said and the way he said it was so inconsiderate I got very mad and we had a fight. I knew he revealed his true feelings and I knew it that very moment (as I referenced in my original post). I have since decided not to discuss it with him because he already told me. My ego doesn't want to rehash it.

I take care of myself, I watch my weight and make it a point to keep my hair long, wear makeup and dress very nice. But there's only so much you can do to fight nature. I'm not one of these women who lives in a dream world bubble who thinks she's going to be hawt and sexy at 50 years old. I'm very realistic and besides, I was hoping that maturing into old age would relax these notions of being a sexually appealing tart. At this stage of my life I just want to be happy and enjoy my marriage and family life. I didn't know I had to still be a youthful bubbly sex pot too.

@MelodyLane

How do you talk to your husband about this? I'm not going to get an honest and forthright answer. He's going to give me platitudes and glossed over half-truths so that I can save face - that's what men do when they are confronted with issues like this. Talking to him will not yield any more truth than what he has already revealed. He admitted I'm not as attractive as I used to be. Am I supposed to try and change his mind?

MelodyLane did not suggest that you question your husband at all. She did not suggest that you look for answers - presumably by that, you mean to the question of why he feels that way he does and why he behaved as he did. She did not suggest that you seek 'truth". She said:

In other words, you respectfully tell him that he may not behave that way towards you ever again, and you ask him whether he'd be willing to look at the problems in the entire marriage, with a view to building a much better one.

MelodyLane did not suggest that you question your husband at all. She did not suggest that you look for answers - presumably by that, you mean to the question of why he feels that way he does and why he behaved as he did. She did not suggest that you seek 'truth'.

Per MelodyLane "I would start with an honest discussion [/b]of how his behavior has made you feel and ask him if he would follow the guidelines in this program to turn this around."

MelodyLane did not suggest I question my husband at all and yet MelodyLane says to start an honest discussion with him. I'm confused, which one is it?

Also, I can't forbid my husband to behave any certain way towards me ever again no more than I can make him feel attracted to me when he isn't. I don't want to be handled with kid gloves. I want the truth no matter how harsh. I can't spend the rest of my life sweeping this issue under the rug, especially when I'm getting older and uglier with each passing year.

No one is suggesting you have to look like a sex pot or a hawt tart. I don't know if your husband's expectations for PA are unrealistic or if you are being unrealistic yourself...or maybe it's both of you. Agree that a person isn't going to look 20 when she is 40, 50, etc. but going to the other extreme of calling yourself ugly and worn out...I don't get that either.

There are likely other issues going on here but you seem to think it all begins and ends with your looks. Did your H want a trophy wife when he married you? Do you have children with your husband? Is this a first marriage for him?

Melissa, Did you read the link MelodyLane posted for you? It's a great start to turning things around in your marriage. Read the article carefully, including the links in the article, and you can decide for yourself whether it's worth trying.

Marriage Builders has very specific guidelines, an actual PLAN to turn marriages around from an unromantic and boring relationship to one that is deeply fulfilling, romantic for both spouses and very enjoyable.

Don't make assumptions about how your H will respond to you. An honest discussion would include telling your H how much it hurt to be ignored and treated so indifferently, that you like the way he's treating you now, but you would like to know what led him to respond to you negatively. You would be very respectful and kind when speaking to him, making it safe and pleasant for him to respond with honesty.

If this is what you really think about men it's probably best not to be married.

This program, marriage in general, works best when you have a respectful attitude towards the other person.

I realize you are resentful about the recent lovebusters he's subjected you to, but meeting the issue with a resentful attitude will get you exactly nowhere.

You make a lot of assumptions. How do you know your upturn in attitude and confidence was not the critical difference? If it was his PA need being met - what exactly is so terrible about that?

The only terrible part was his dismissive attitude. A bit like yours now. Which was probably based on assumption that your downturn in mood was rejecti on. Like your assumptions.

You only go on one date a week and don't really talk to each other.

Reposting for response

Goodness me. Do you have any reason for responding in such a hostile way to my help?

It is the one I posted. I would appreciate it if you read my post instead of making assumptions that are not there.


More assumptions...

Having an honest discussion, as so many have advised, is the best first step in this situation. You both need to develop a thorough understanding of the other on the issue of your physical attractiveness. It sounds to me like Physical Attractiveness is a very important emotional need for your husband. If so you need to understand how that works for him.

I also wonder if pornography may be an issue for him. Pornography use readjusts a person's understanding of reality. Models and porn actors do not represent reality, but for the pornography user they become the new standard. If your husband uses pornography, it may have developed an unrealistic expectation of physical attractiveness for him.