Okay.

So I have another question. I've realized how much I've bent over backwards, not just for my husband, but for other people as well. Recently I've decided that I've had enough of a friend, and dealing with my rigid dad, who makes everyone else conform to his world, is changing. I used to walk on eggshells and excuse my needs being ignored but I just can't do it anymore.

I'm speaking up.

I don't know if it's the ADs, or resentment from doing this for someone else for four years and walking away with nothing, or what.

In any case, i feel a little out of control but I'm not sure if that's the case, or if it just feels that way from so many years of being a quiet pretzel to get along.

I think it's MB training.

A year out from Dday, I told a similarly rigid relative that I didn't appreciate how he talked to me. He started to tell me not to tell him what to do and I said quite smoothly 'Not at all, go ahead. I am just letting you know that next time I will leave.'

It was instant contrition and we are doing great now. Setting boundaries rocks.

Indie - that is good to hear.

Enabling bad behavior just gets you more bad behavior. I'm not doing that anymore.

Well you should never feel out of control.
Some women have hormone issues but one should always be in control

luna, IME it's like an onion with the layers thing. Even years later I find myself setting new boundaries.

I like what the Harleys say about a good marriage not needing boundaries. It reminds me that in healthy relationships, my loved ones will not try to gain at my expense.

Right. I guess once you start with the boundaries, you lose the habit of letting them be run over.

The thing I am learning the most from MB is to walk away when they are repeatedly not respected, and not think I am responsible for 'fixing' anything. I am not responsible for making it right. Only my part.

So it's the warning, like Indie said, and then the follow through. No fights. No negotiation on basic things like respect.

Indeed.

I am learning this as well. I am practicing with my dad, who is prone to angry outbursts over cleaning the house. I just walk away when he does that and it is getting better.

Indeed.

I am learning this as well. I am practicing with my dad, who is prone to angry outbursts over cleaning the house. I just walk away when he does that and it is getting better.

I'm lurking on this thread, but to chime in on drawing boundaries, I recently met a rough-around-the-edges type project manager who is with my Client. He was behaving in an obnoxious and chauvinistic manner, telling me to leave the table after dining, and raised his voice when I wasn't understanding clearly some structural issues and asked for clarification.

I finally told him that if there was no courtesy in our interaction, they should look for another designer. He was visibly shocked and changed his manner of communication with me.

Firm boundaries are great!

On the downside, my Client was bragging to a new contractor partner that all of the design concepts and ideas originated from him, thus taking credit for my work, in front of me. This was a tricky situation as he is still paying me, and I had to give him some "face", but I felt very uncomfortable and somewhat upset.

Agree!


Jeez. He is flat out stealing right in front of you? I think you could correct him on the spot. His contracting partner will talk to other people and that is the difference between you getting more work or not, at least there. Plus there is your self-respect. There is more at stake then this one (lying) client. Frankly, if you can afford it, I would fire this client.

If only every recruit in boot camp could walk away when their Drill Instructor yells at them over an unmade bed or messy barracks.

Ah, luna, he who pays the piper calls the tune. Unfortunately, until I get to a safer place financially for myself and my children, I need to find the strength in me to "take it". I console myself with the fact that my concepts are claimed by others because they are good, and paper can't keep fire under wraps for long.

Glad to see you standing tall and raring to go, future looks bright for you, I hope to find myself in your place one day.

Clearly drill instructors have no boundaries.

Went to a mac counter last week and got the works!

Spent more money than I planned, but I had nothing except my old brushes! And, wow, I got some glittery stuff for brightening up under the eyes and I just love it. Never would have picked that out without help. Lucked out by getting the Mac trainer to do my stuff. She knew what the heck she was doing.

Also splurged on a new hair brush. Boar Hair brush from England. Woot! Want to get some shine in my finally grown out locks.

There are some advantages to being single. I never bought myself stuff like this when I was married because the H would get so crabby if I spent time on my toilet.

Well, now I can!

And someone might like it too.

It's been a while since I've been here. I've secured a fellowship for next year and had a brief job - enough to be financially secure for a while. I've been on a few dates but taking things uber slow and really want it that way. In no hurry.

Thanks everyone for your help. I feel like I am just starting to recover from that last year of... awful.

Glad to hear this positive update!