I didn't think you sounded insensitive. We all have been in really horrible situations dealing with affairs.

It is a long time, but it won't necessarily be you, even if you don't reconcile. It will just be important to stay in a really dark plan B. I basically have to " invite" my WH into my home three times a week via skype and he used to try to talk to me at the beginning of the calls before I could get out of the room. But no matter how much he talked, I just would say anything. Now he has stopped. Just be as consistent as possible.

Actually marrying the OW is a pretty extreme case and, of course, in that situation the affair partners will try to suck you back into their craziness. But with any luck that will not happen even of you don't recover.

I'd just keep handing him rope when he wants to hang himself.

Always be prepared for no shows. Always have a back up plan. Just think of yourself as a single mother who has to allow - but doesn't rely on - child visitation. Always have someone else you can call if he lets you down or be prepared to do it yourself.

When I've IMd for people, they always refuse to use the IM at first - but as long as the BW sticks with it, they do eventually.

See that's because you've washed your hands of him and don't need to call on him for anything. You don't need contact - it's only there as a courtesy to HIM so he can cancel properly and not look like an unstable jerk to the courts.

If he doesn't want that courtesy, fine.


I don't think having him pick up your son from scouts is a good idea because it is a favour to you (to help you with the little ones) when you simply can't ask for favours any more. He isn't reliable enough.

Can your son start getting a ride home with another parent or someone else to pick him up?

It's always hurtful when the wayward is a no-show but this is a particularly bad set up. Even if he shows up.

If he shows up, it's purely as a favour to you - he's meeting your need for parental support. I think this is a high need for you and it keeps you in his thrall emotionally.

So If he doesn't show up, it's not just inconvenient, it's emotionally hurtful. Your posts make it sound like you are still a couple ('I asked him to' etc). Thats normal for so early in Plan B - but I want you to start thinking more independently and not relying on him. As you've discovered, it will just smack you in the face.

I think not co-parenting with him is the biggest wrench for you but you will learn how to parallel parent very quickly. He's hoping you'll crack and call him in a puddle of tears, or anger at least, at not picking up son. Isn't that what you would have done without MB? Simply making other arrangements is a fantastically cool way of not raising to that bait.

This attitude of not relying on him will benefit you no matter what happens. It's not just about preparing you for divorce. I think that the happiest marriages are dependent, but the husband knows his wife could manage without him if she needed to.

Sorry, just seeing this now. No worries Didn't take it as insensitive at all.

I just want to clarify that I don't to take away any hope that you have that your WH will come out of the fog but Plan B means that you don't have the expectation of that. He is in the fog and as long as he is, you can expect this.

I am good friends with a good handful of MBers whose WSs (that are not serial cheats and/or have not married the OP) and they have not come out of the fog and it's been years.

I don't think you should view it as...my case is an "extreme case" and that's why I am still dealing with a WS unstable parent.

It's really this simple: Waywards are not good parents. They are selfish and seem to make poor choices across the board. So long as a WS is in the fog, you should just expect this to continue... I wouldn't try to analyze it any further than that!

HTH

"Waywards are not good parents." Sad, but true.

And sorry SusieQ for saying yours was an "extreme case." My WH isn't a serial cheat and I can't imagine him ever coming out of his fog (although maybe he will), so I see your point. He didn't make the best choices even before this happened (at least with money).

Oh, Indie, you are so right. I don't know that I ever would have realized what a high need parental support is for me - it had always been met. But yes, that is what I find myself getting worked up over with him gone, things like how he used to get up and make pancakes with the kids. My sister got married this weekend, and when they called for dad's and daughters to join my dad and sister on the dance floor and I looked over at my 11 year old daughter and she was looking sad I lost it. Had to hide in the bathroom and cry.

I will have my IM let him know he is not bringing our son home anymore. I'll either find someone or figure out a way to do it myself. I asked him to do that before I implemented plan b, but you are absolutely right. It's just not a good setup.

All weekend I have been rolling those words around in my head - independent woman who allows visitation but doesn't depend on it. It is really helping to think of myself that way, instead of thinking of myself as being jerked around or "stuck" with all the responsibilities of parenting by myself.

My pendants lite hearing was supposed to have been this past Friday, but his attorney pushed it to this coming Friday, and told her that he had indicated that he'd given me $x amount at the beginning of the month and planned to give give $x amount this week. To which I replied yes he did, but as to how much he is planning to give me and when, that's all in his head. Which is why we're doing this. It's not good enough for him to know if/when/how much - I have to know it, too. I am a little worried that the court will order less than what he has offered, but since he only gave that amount the first month I guess stability is better than the possibility of more sometimes. Then I can budget for what I know I will have and if he does give above what is court ordered, I can save it for a rainy day.

Yes, without MB I would have probably done both - been angry with him and a teary mess. But I just don't understand, why would he want that? Does anyone have any insight into this?

Because he is in complete control if you do that.

So he wants to be rid of me and in control of me at the same time? Sigh. Nonsensical. Just like everything else he's doing.

And you can count on him trying to FORCE you be in direct contact with him for that very reason. Waywards HATE losing control of their BS and will do every thing to force you to give him direct access so he can control you. If he tries to pull that stunt, you need to make sure your attorney protects your Plan B.

Court bureaucrats, judges and attorneys typically promote a mythology called "co parenting." It is nonsense and it will make you sick. So be prepared to put a stop to it if it comes up. It is really for court bureaucrats to come up with schemes like "co parenting" when it is not their ox getting gored. You have to be prepared to protect yourself, because no one else WILL.

Shutting him out makes him feel BAD about what he has done. If you would just be "reasonable" and be his "friend" he will feel better about giving you the SHAFT. The problem is that it will wreck your mental and physical health if you remain in contact. Women actually have nervous breakdowns from being in direct contact with their cheating husbands.

Melody, he hasn't really tried to make me talk to him (that I know of). That doesn't mean he won't at some point. Or maybe that's what he was trying for with all of the times he told my IM to tell me there wouldn't be much money.

My lawyer did mention that she thought co-parenting was a good goal for us to have, and I told her I didn't want any part of that. I expect she will probably bring it up again, but I am prepared to firmly shut that down.

She did warn me to expect a "talking to" from the judge about exposing to WHs boss because our judges don't like it when you mess with each other's money. She said it doesn't mean anything, and in my situation the first thing she'd do is tell her husband's boss, but she didn't want it to catch me off guard. I wonder if our judges will have the same problem with the way he has treated me regarding money or if that is just for jobs.

OH! Yes, that does make sense. He really did act like we were still going to be buddies when he left. No, friends don't treat each other the way he is treating me.

I'm learning this too. Even when I had a slight Plan B break yesterday, I did not react in emotion at all. I just didn't say anything and closed the door (and ensured he was unable to see me at all).

Nothing new under the sun. My WH wanted the same thing. If you are his buddy then he is not a bad guy who destroyed his family.

Yes. And I think they look for reasons to be mad at us because if we are the bad guys, they are somehow justified in their actions. In their minds, anyway.

I would expect this to change very soon. You watch and his attorney will try to FORCE you to open up contact by saying you are "unreasonable" and not being a good "co-parent." Be ready to stand your ground.


Good girl! See how easy it is to make such suggestions when it is not her ox getting gored?


I would hand him the exposure article by Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and specialist in saving marriages from infidelity. You did not EVER "mess with his money." That is sick, dysfunctional BLAMESHIFTING. Your husband's job was affected 100% BY HIS UNPROFESSIONAL, RECKLESS WORKPLACE BEHAVIOR.

YOUR HUSBAND MESSED WITH HIS MONEY BY HAVING A WORKPLACE AFFAIR. Most employers do not CHOOSE to employ dishonest, workplace adulterers because they are reckless, loose cannons. They are walking liability lawsuits.

Blaming his victims is sick and mean.

When Should an Affair Be Exposed? by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.

You have been through holy, unmitigated HELL so the prospect of you getting a "talking to" for not covering up your husband's reckless, workplace behavior is infuriating and unjust. It is wrong to have an affair and abandon your family; it is not wrong to expose that injustice. It is not your fault he harmed his own career with his reckless behavior. You never were given a vote on his affair!

This is what I told my lawyer when she brought it up. Although sll se said was that the child mediators like you to, "take the high road." The extent that people think tolerating/covering up adultery is the right thing to do is shocking.

That is sick and manipulative to guilt victims of adultery into placing themselves in traumatic situations for no legitimate purpose. That might make court bureaucrats feel cute and winsome but it is destructive to the actual person being placed in that position.

The people who attempt to manipulate spouses to open contact need to "take the high road" themselves.