I agree.

I never wanted to be the breadwinner at all. However, my soon to be ex-husband was chronically unemployed or underemployed. I blame myself for going into the marriage knowing this (as he had a longer work history when we got married. I was just a year out of grad school). You couple not working with his spending habits and he created a secret financial life, complete with a secrete credit card at one point.

The good thing to come out of this is that I am educated enough and had a good enough work history that I can support my child as a single parent.

If I ever marry again, both job and spending will be evaluated. He doesn't have to make more than me, but enough that if one of us lost a job we wouldn't be homeless or destitute. And steadily employed (save perhaps for an unavoidable lay off or something like that). And spending habits just have to be reasonable and negotiable.

Do you have a court date for Temporary Orders yet?

PW, I hear you and I just have to comment on the women supporting men subject. I too married someone who I was supporting prior to marriage. I saw red flags before I married him but actually felt so worried about him I married him anyhow. (How twisted is that?!)

He was always going to turn his business around. He never did. He always had to live beyond our means. Now we're 50 and have no children, no home, and very little savings and he has health issues that hold him back.

He is helping with ideas for my business, which are brilliant and could pay off, but which I primarily must execute so in the immediate time, it just adds to my burden.

We are starting the MB home course and I believe I will feel much more love toward him, but MB can't give me back 20 years so I can be a mother and have financial security. I am sick to my stomach almost every minute of every day imagining myself outliving him and being all alone without the family I desperately wanted but that it was never "the right time for" because I was working 24/7 to support a lifestyle I didn't even want.

If anything were to happen to him and I were in a position to remarry someday I would definitely evaluate work ethic, financial security, spending habits, etc.

I asked for a mutual waiver of spousal because I am going to be working soon and have always made more money than him. By the time this is over, I will be making 30-40K more at a minimum.

My lawyer is going to run the child support calculator today. He is going to try to get him to start paying by agreement rather than going to court at first. I told him that would probably not work, so we also have the paperwork filled out to file the orders as well in the case the response is negative.

His lawyer would be dumb to go to court over it as it is not something to be argued with and he can't get out of it.

My lawyer also put him on notice for trying to change the child visitation schedule so much, warning him that in a custody agreement his visitation would be reduced if he did not adhere to it.

The financial irresponsibility and financial infidelity is really something that needs to be evaluated. I never lived with my STBx before marriage, but he lived off his parents at various points and/or asked for money from them frequently.

I had more money going into the marriage, than I did even right before the affair.

I need some help Plan Bing WH's Skype calls with DD.

I used to see him out of the corner of my eye and he usually took his calls with DD from his car. Today, I saw him out of the corner of my eye and he was in her house (I know from pictures she had posted on FB--I don't have FB now, but from before). Just seeing that set me back.

I need suggestions for dealing with this. I try to just put the thing on and go to another room, but I see and hear him sometimes and that's hard. Any creative ways of dealing with this?

I try to get away ASAP and sometimes have headphones on. I can't wear blinders. I am literally going to try to look away when turning the thing on and then run out of the room. Any other suggestions?

This stuff gives me heart palpitations. This definitely triggers me a lot.

Sorry I don't recall...are these Skype sessions daily?

I guess I am confused as to why you would be bound to keep doing them anyway...especially daily. Now that divorce has been filed, you can seek Temporary Orders about visitation/access. Given your WH's history, I wouldn't bother paying your attorney good money to ask WH to voluntarily agree to child support or anything else. You have experienced that rodeo before and will likely have to pay your lawyer double and endure more delay vs just going to court from the get go. Your WH or his counsel would also have to appear at the hearing...it is a good move to strike fear into your WH that he will get his butt kicked if he wants to act stupid and fight you.

Geezo...why didn't your lawyer do this long ago along with filing for Temp Orders when divorce was filed?

Sorry about that, PW. The only suggestion would be to ask the children to skype with Dad in their rooms with the door closed.

Time will help with all this, but in the meantime, hang in there. Stay strong and just do the best to avoid seeing him on skype.

There is a dad who showed up with his pretty young girlfriend at his child's play at the school where I work. He is still married, though going through divorce. His current wife was there too but seated in a different aisle. I really felt for her. The girlfriend's presence must have been extremely hurtful and defeating. I don't know what gets in the heads of waywards. They have the temerity to act scandalously in public with no regard for the feeling of the person they once loved.

You can take solace knowing that you have behaved honorably, and your actions will lead not only to healing but strength of character. Your future is bright, while your nut-job WH is in for a wold of hurt down the line. I wouldn't trade places with him for all the tea in china.

My advice.....
try not to look as much as humanly possible BUT know that whether he is sitting and skyping from his car or OW's place.......

he is not with you and his child.

You and his child ARE his best chance at a good life and happiness but he isn't willing to create that potential happiness.

You ARE with your child and doing the best you can and that will give you the strength to deal with triggers of emotion in your Plan B.

I agree. I've had to push the lawyer a lot. I asked to do this upfront and he said, let's just see if he'll pay upfront first because court is costly. I thought he'd do it that day, but it took him three weeks. I have the court papers filled out.

Every lawyer I have has softballs him until it becomes clear that he is obstructionist. I told my lawyer yesterday to: 1) send this letter, but that I need to file next week if he doesn't respond and 2): his changing of visitation is an issue need that rectified pronto.

I think the main issue with this lawyer is that he is in court all the time.

The calls are three times per week.

She is only three and I just put it on and go to another room, so I think I'm doing all I can.

I know he does these things to hurt me or get an emotional reaction out of me (he needs assurance that I still care, I think).

And I know that he is trying hard to project an air of happiness and awesomeness and that nothing is wrong. I know his callousness to my pain and what he has done to his family is totally normal, but I think I am definitely past the point of no return with him.

I'm never getting over this. The best I can do is get as much emotional and physical distance from him as possible for the rest of my life and try to heal.

Hugs to you, PW. I am sorry for your hurt.

He may or may not do these things to hurt you. I used to think the same of my exWH and other WSs. One of the hardest things for me to wrap my head around is that while there may be some truth to him wanting to hurt you or get a reaction out of you, it is also possibly they he is simply so thoughtless that he doesn't even think about it or care. Most/all waywards simply don't care and there is no intent to hurt. That was harder to accept...I wasn't even a thought but logically I know it is true.

Hang in there. You will make a great life for yourself and DD.

x 2

Yeah, I am not sure if it is thoughtlessness of trying to draw me into their crazy. I do feel like they need a common villain--me! So the more I react emotionally, the more they can say "shes crazy! Look at our twuuuu wuuuvvv!"

In any case, it doesn't matter is it's intentional or thoughtless. It's important to stay away!!! My job is to be absent from his life and make sure he is absent from my thoughts.

Some good news (as long as you think divorce is good news--and in my case, I think it probably is given my WH's behavior):

The request for a child support order is being filed and my lawyer got on his lawyer's butt about him changing visitation dates, etc.


Thursday is the deadline for him to file a response to the divorce petition. That means that I can file for a default by Friday. I still wouldn't be divorced until mid-October, but if he didn't fight it, it would make things a lot easier because my lawyer can just draw up the papers and the judge can sign at 6 months.

Don't get your hopes up. Granted, my hope was to save my marriage, but I deliberately waited until the last day to file my response.

Yep, sounds like something he would do. But, who knows? He has also been having an affair for a year and never bothered to file for divorce. Making affirmative decisions is not the name of his game. He prefers hedging and waffling.

Mine is or will be final today, by the way.