My marriage is in severe trouble� I am 43, and we have four beautiful children� I love my husband and desire our marriage to work.

Here is a brief summary of our marriage� It is both verbally abusive and has at times even become somewhat physical in abuse. There are many fights, disrespectful behavior and everyone is suffering. I am now on anti-depressants, and I have pain in my body which seems to be neuropathy. I have even had surgery to try and correct some of the problems but they keep getting worse. I have to wonder if my health is suffering from the constant anguish in my marriage. My medical needs even anger him as he sees money heading out the door. He has control and anger issues, and I can never seem to do or say it right. Many times I have tried to change and do the things that he wants me to do and to be. As well we were raised in very different homes. He comes from a very conservative family who goes to a church that has many rules and regulations. I joined this church to try and keep the peace however I feel a constant pressure to live up to the outside rules. I love the Lord but think that all the rules are not what he had in mind when Christ died on the cross for my salvation. In addition, we have moved three times now changing locations. Our first move was from Canada to the Midwest. Now we live in Central WA. A move that I really didn�t want to do as we had developed many good friends in the Midwest, and now I am starting over once again. It seems the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Of course with every move there is stress as I have to try and make new friends, deal with all the things a move involves such as doctors, dentists and new schools. Now after two years he desires to move because things look better in Canada. I am not on board and am refusing to move, which is also a bone of contention. I have never been supported in any new thing that I have tried. It is all stupid. He feels my place is in the home, and I am thankful that I can be home to raise my children, but honestly every time I leave to shop, etc. I am filled with guilt because I know he disapproves. He wears his feelings on his sleeve. To be honest I do now too! I am often met with anger or the good old silent treatment that can last for days. I have been told that I don�t think past the end of my nose and have had to endure comments that have really lowered my self-worth in my mind. Crazy! My reactions to the smallest things have become extreme. Everyone is suffering. Our second daughter has even run away from home and has problems in school with fitting in. She too has made some bad choices but not as bad as maybe we have made them out to be. It�s a control thing. However I am trying to work on healing with her. I am trying to not be angry and to validate her feelings. He however wants to micromanage everyone. I have suggested counselling a number of times. Two months ago when I threatened to leave he agreed and we found a counsellor. He talked with him one time and then quit as he felt it was just a place to air our problems. He wanted to tell the counsellor everything was fine� a positive perspective he felt is what we needed. When I didn�t agree he quit. Finally last week everything came to a head. We had a huge fight and to my chagrin in sheer and utter frustration I hit him� it was an effort to wipe the smirk of his face. I am devastated that I lost control!

I cannot take any more! Even my children suffer as I find myself yelling at them. I am mentally and physically spent. My desire is to leave� to find some space to heal. I have furniture that I put a deposit on and a found a home I can rent in an effort to heal. A safe place. However he has now made a counselling appointment. He is begging me to stay, promising me that we are going to get help. I have seen a counselor on my own now and she is not adverse to the idea of separation. As a matter of fact she hooked me up to marriage builders and suggested I listen. I have been doing that, and put the app on my husband�s phone and asked that he listen. He made an excuse that he doesn�t have time and that his speakers don�t work, however the news videos seem to come in fine. I suggested that we spend 15 hours a week together. We got maybe three hours in this week which I realize is not enough. However I don�t want to nag. It�s difficult because we have nothing to say to one another! This week things have on the outside have been going seemingly well� but I don�t trust him� If I stay, how long until he quits counselling? That�s my fear. We live in a small community and he also made the comment that if I can get my physical problems healed then many of our marital problems will be solved. I disagree.

Bottom line is I don�t know what to do. Rentals are hard to find. I need advice. What do I do? I can�t go back to how we were living! I am an emotional wreck! As I listen to Dr. Harley's show it sounds like if he is willing to work things out and seek counselling, then I should stay. He says he now knows that I am serious now about separation and will do what it takes to work things out. He is being very attentive. I am confused, scared and yet hopeful. I have to make a decision on my rental place here in a few days. Do I stay?

Hi Momandcompany, welcome to Marriage Builders. Dr Harley would advise you to separate and stay separated until your husband completes an anger management program and goes a year without angry outbursts. As you can see, your husbands behavior is destroying your health. This will get worse and you will reach a point where the damage can't be reversed.

For right now, plan to separate and we will then help you navigate the recovery.

I would absolutely NOT recommend that you spend 15 hours a week together. That will make things worse, not better. You need to separate and only communicate via email until he has completed anger management and has eliminated all love busters.

ALSO, I would send your post to Dr. Harley and see if you can discuss this with him on Monday. If you include your phone #, he might call you. He can help you navigate a reconciliation AFTER your husband has completed anger management and shows improvement in his behavior.

He does admit that he has an anger problem, but he thinks he can handle it now that he realizes it. I am scared if I leave I will like the safety of my new home and not try to recover our marriage!

As well how do I email Dr. Harley directly?

Have you seen this?
What to do with an Angry Husband

Got it! Done!

You NEED TO BE SAFE. That is the purpose of separation.

And he cannot handle his anger; he is just saying that to keep you around. He needs to get professional help in managing his anger and should demonstrate his new skills for at least a year. Just saying he "can handle it" does not mean he has new skills.

You should not try to recover your marriage unless and until he completes anger management and demonstrates a dramatic change in his behavior over a period of time. You should absolutely NOT go through this program until that happens because this program will cause tension and anger while you both learn new skills.

So until he learns new skills and retrains his brain, you should not attempt recovery.

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THAT IS THE POINT!!

Ok he's not the only one to blame... my reactions havent exactly been good either!

All the more reason to separate!

That's a GOOD thing. He'll have to WIN you back to something better if he wants you.

I think I already know the answer... What if we are both wrong to take anger management classes?

I don't understand what you are asking. How can it be wrong? In what way?

Whoops I meant what if we are both taking anger management classes... Do we still separate. I am so concerned about this marriage. He has now started to listen to marriage builders and is willing to watch some videos with me. Dr. Harley also says that marriage partners should not be absent at night. We both are willing to start meeting each other's needs. I have never seen my husband actually this committed. Somehow it's different this time... Or else I am just a one for punishment. I do have my first months rent paid on a place and can't move in until May 1... I guess it's a waiting game, but at least I have somewhere to go now safe.

Do you

1. Genuinely believe that he recommends that, even when one spouse is violent to the other, or are you

2. Grasping at straws that are not even there?

That indeed is what I am wondering... Grasping at straws...is exactly what I am worried about but cautious too. I guess I would be able to tell by the reaction he has when I tell him I am separating from him... So you don't think the verbal abuse especially between the two of us is going to end. That we don't have the capability to master it while living together even if we are both going for help.

He is not committed and it is not somehow different. Just last week you two were fighting and you hit him. Get a grip Mom. Separation will give you a clear head. Don't settle for crumbs. If your H is truly committed, he will move Heaven and Earth to win you back. Don't sign up for another round of crazy.