Hi everyone..

About a year ago I used to lurk on this board and follow various threads. So I am a little familiar with the Marriage Builders processes. I have Love Busters and His Needs Her Needs sitting on my bedside table but never got around to reading them. Might be too late now.

I need some outside perspectives/advice is anyone doesn't mind.

I am 25, my husband is 24. We have been married for 4.5 years and have a 2 year old little girl. We eloped after only knowing each other 4 months and have never looked back. Marriage has been wonderful and I never questioned I would spend forever with this man. That is not to say things have always been easy, getting married young and have a child young came with the big challenges and stresses to be expected. However, any problems we had were always resolved within 24 hours and we made sure to always say I love you even during heated times.

That being said, over the course of a week we have gone from what I thought was normal, happy life to my husband saying he no longer has feelings for me and is talking divorce.

I'm going to try to make this story short, and if I end up way over-sharing, just let me know and I will keep it shorter in the future. Please don't judge me for this story, I am very vulnerable right now and already feel as if I must have ruined my marriage somehow.

In January, we made the strange decision to have a threesome with a male friend of his. Until this experience, I had only ever slept with my husband and my husband was much more sexually experienced. At first, I was not ok with the idea, but in the end everything really did seem to work out ok. But since then my husband has occasionally brought up the idea of doing it again, with a girl. I sometimes feel guilty like I should be ok to this since we did it with a guy and it's only fair to do it with a girl too. But I always say no, because it would break my heart to see him with another girl.

Recently he had a childhood friend come into town. He spent a lot of time hanging out with this friend AND this friend's 18-yr-old cousin. This cousin used to have a crush on my husband back when he was a teenager and she was a preteen or something. I was fine with him going out every night to hang out with his friend, since it was just for a week. It really seemed whatever to me at first that the cousin was hanging around as well.

This cousin girl, was extremely friendly with my daughter. She would play with my daughter and talk with my husband but never really got friendly with me. I assumed she was just really shy. But it was pretty weird. She wouldn't engage with me AT ALL, even when we both were playing with my daughter at the same time. Meanwhile, I knew she was friendly with my husband and some of the other guys they all hang out with. Husband told me a few stories she had told, one being that earlier this year she worked as live web-cam girl to earn a lot of money.

So naturally, husband thinks maybe a threesome with her and pitches it to me. I tell him that I don't want to. But it got brought up a few times. I always resolved a firm no at the end of the conversation.

So the final night husband's friend is in town, a large group of friends were meeting at a house for dinner. I joined them. When I arrived, cousin was there and she was watching over my daughter while husband socialized. Cousin didn't engage me, which I was somewhat used to by then but growing more weird about since I had not seen her several times. Even the most shy person usually opens up a little after several meetings? And she seemed more open to some other people?? Suddenly, for the first time in my marriage, I had a weird feeling:

I knew husband had been picturing sex with her and she was weirdly closed off to me.


Hmm.
I wasn't sure if I was exaggerating a feeling after feeling neglected for a week. I hadn't seen much of husband for several days.

So the next day, while texting him, I asked "You wouldn't cheat on me, right?" Expecting an easy "No." and resolution to my weird feeling. Instead, he freaked out. I explain to him my weird feeling and the things that led up to it.
He started saying that I opened the door to doubt and he realized he couldn't say that he wouldn't. That he thinks the temptation would be too much. And that he feels awful about this realization and that he feels guilty because married people shouldn't feel like they would cheat. He explained that he did find cousin girl to be pretty and had thought about sex with her. He then quickly proceeded to saying he didn't feel he deserved to be married because he couldn't promise faithfulness and where do we go from here. He asked if we should separate or "break up". I was stunned. I had never even thought we were anywhere near anything like that.

That was the beginning of craziness. I cried and went numb, no longer feeling secure or that my husband would be faithful. The next few days were a lot of non-communication. At some point I did tell him that if he cheated on me, I would probably leave him. He stayed out of the house a lot and didn't address the issue really. I went numb and just walked around in obvious pain.

Finally Friday morning I confronted him before I left for work. The gist of the conversation let me know that he felt he needed to "experience other women." At one point, he even said it would only be once. I laid down the law and told him an open-type marriage would be something that would fundamentally change me as a person, which I was not willing to do. If he wanted to be married to a different type of person, he would need to leave me and go find them.

He texted me later saying he doesn't feel like we should get divorced over something that hasn't happened yet and might not happen, and that I would have to be the one to file. I responded with "I love you. I want out marriage to work."
He called to say he didn't want to lose me over being a dumb*butt* and that he loved me too.
But later that morning he said he wanted to spend the weekend away. He said he didn't feel comfortable in our home when he felt undeserving of our life. I agreed to it, thinking maybe getting some space would remind him of everything he has to lose.

He came back today worse than before. Saying after having time to process his feelings, he realizes he is unhappy with life and our relationship. And he just doesn't identify as being married anymore. He says he wants to do counseling to try to figure out what is wrong with him, but he is seriously talking about divorce-- even stating that it takes 60 days in our state. He says he doesn't have feelings for me anymore and that it feels awkward to be around me or touch me. He shows no feeling or warmth towards me when I cry my guts out in front of him. Nothing.

I feel like my insides have been ripped open.
How do we get to a point of talking about divorce when a week ago today, we went on a date and things seemed great! Since Wednesday, this has gone from bad (he could cheat on me), to worse (he feels the need to have other people too), to worse (he doesn't care for me anymore).

We have a daughter! How can this happen so fast?!

I know it probably sounds like he is having an affair? And I guess he might be? This girl is leaving town soon to go to college. I don't know what would be achieved by leaving his family for her. I'm not sure if I scared the crap out of him by saying I might leave if he ever cheated on me. Maybe I scared the crap out of him by picking up on something weird? We have always had an EXTREMELY open and honest relationship-- even when it gets us in trouble with each other. It's been part of a firm foundation for us.


Help please?
I'm lining up a counseling appointment for tomorrow. I'm thinking individual counseling for him but also joint marriage counseling.
He says he is basically done. "We've had rough patches before. This is different. There is just nothing there."

What.. else do I do? I'm stunned and in excruciating pain. I just don't understand this at all.

I apologize for the length of this post. I honestly did try to trim it down.

Hi silentnight, welcome to Marriage Builders. Unfortunatley, your husband is having an affair. He spent the weekend with the 18 year old teenager. I wouldn't bother with counseling at this point [it is downright destructive when there is an affair] but rather, gather up the evidence and expose his affair. [read my exposure thread in my signature] Expose to all of your families and friends, including the OW's family. I would demand that he end his affair immediately.

Please go read my exposure thread and then come back and discuss.

You really need exposure. To do that, you need evidence. Can you hire a PI?

What is marriage? It is a relationship of extraordinary care. How has your marriage measured up to this standard? I ask this because I seriously question the idea that all was okay right up to a week ago. I see a pattern of your husband grooming you to accept a very unhealthy lifestyle. When you resist, he punishes you by alienating you. He has every intention of pursuing affairs, with or without you. He has you gaslighted into thinking this is somehow "normal". It is not.

You need to step away from his influence enough to see what is really going on. You marriage depends on not only killing this affair, but ending all sexual nonexclusivity. I encourage you not to just expose the affair, but to expose the whole deal. Those who care about you need to know that you are under this pressure to accept an open marriage. It is true that your husband could leave you, but under the circumstances, you would not be losing much. If he isn't willing to make you his exclusive partner in life, then you will never have a relationship of extraordinary care with him.

I would completely call our marriage one of extraordinary care. We are extremely close and spend so much time together. When I think about being marital partners, I think our relationship has been the epitome of that. We do most things together and equally participate in household and childcare duties. Sometimes timing is rough and we don't have as much quality care together as we once did. I could see how that might have been a big stumbling block for us, but at the same time we are almost always in constant communication and enjoying each other.

I go back and forth on the affair. I am unsure whether or not I think he is having a physical affair already. I do believe he definitely has feelings for and has gotten to close with this other girl. Maybe gotten too much of the taste of the single, young life many people our age are enjoying. I find it just too hard to believe he just switched off his feelings for me so immediately without a look back. He gave me a hug last night (after I asked) and he held me like a stranger. There is just nothing there from him.

I don't think I can get a PI. Maybe I could. I really do need proof. If I had proof, I wouldn't hesitate to expose. I'm willing to fight hard to keep my family together. I can probably get a peek at his phone sometime today--- if not, I can do it tonight while he is sleeping.

I know he did not spend the weekend with her, because I'm in touch with who he did stay with. However, I do not know if he was with them the entire time. And actually, maybe it makes awful sense that he did hook up with her over the weekend and that's why things were so much worse when he came back home yesterday.

If I did have proof and were to do exposure, I feel it would be awesomely effective because the families are all so close. I think they would be horrified at this girl breaking up a marriage. However, I don't believe he would have long term plans with her anyways. She is moving across the country in a few months. And post a divorce, he is talking about moving to Dubai, where he has some family.

Our marriage would definitely be exclusive from now on. That's somewhat what started this was insane week, was me declaring I wouldn't ever want to share. That it just cheapens sex and I wanted to keep it as the sacred thing I had always wanted it to be.

I guess I will be researching PIs today. Any strategies for that? Just Google?


ETA: Thank you everyone for your responses. I am trying to build the largest support group I can. It's nice to know there are resources here.

It is by your own description that any third party reader would question that. Open marriages are never healthy ones.

Similarly, it is absolutely obvious that your husband is having an affair. His prior actions speak to his entitled belief in his sexual freedom. Committed spouses do not propose threesomes to each other, and it is a very tiny step for him to go from an open marriage to an affair.

Exposure is the first step in fighting for your marriage. You also need to be prepared for a likely separation.

HE ADMITTED HE CHEATED.
I know I should be crushed right now, but it is such a RELIEF to have it affirmed.

So I know he will be pissed, but I guess I am going to start planning for exposure.

He slept with her on Friday night. And has been texting/seeing her here and there pretty continuously it sounds like.

Wow.

And he is totally in the fog. He talks about having feelings for her and how they have grown close and whatever. I get it, it is new and exciting.

Time to prepare for affair destruction.

He already asked that I not tell his friend (who is the cousin of the girl). I told him no promises.

His confession is proof. Try not to tip your hand. You want exposure to catch both of them off guard as much as possible.

Do read the exposure thread in Melody Lanes signature. You want exposure on his, her and your sides within the same 24 hour window.

Have a cute picture of your family on your FB profile so her friends can see whats being destroyed.

I think you will need a super tough exposure. He's been grooming you for an open marriage for some time - he really needs to see some disgusted reactions in order to be shocked back into reality.

You must blow this thing up sky high - and weather his anger afterwards.

I am sorry for the devastating news silent But I am happy to hear you are planning a full exposure. It is the single greatest tool you have to kill the affair.

Please go to the Exposure 101 thread and read up on how to do a tactical exposure, there is a right and wrong way to do it.

Very important: do NOT warn him that you are exposing the affair. Do not threaten him or hint at him or discuss it in any way.

This is trickle truth. He has really been involved with her the whole time she was acting strangely towards you and it will have been physical. Be prepared for him to trickle out these details.

I won't warn him. I'm making a list of people already. Could possibly do this by the end of the day. His parents are going to mega angry.

I think I can take it from him. It can't be worse than what I'm already going through.
AND if we manage to stay together I think this will be a way to ensure that I'm ever able to trust him again.

He said the thing that got him was the next day he didn't even feel bad about it.
That feels like a hit to the gut.

You can't listen to him right now. Anything he says will be very foggy.



Do you know how to FB expose OW and get hold of her parents?



Yes exactly. You've got your head on right. You need to make it clear you will never cover up for him in this way.

Some templates:


Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. As some of you know, xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she has been carrying on an affair with a old boyfriend named xxxxx xxxxx who resides in xxxxxx. He is also married and has young children . The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair without my interference.

She refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my babe, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that OW is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years and have a two year old daughter.

I would ask that you use your influence with OW to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

"I would completely call our marriage one of extraordinary care."

It is the opposite of extraordinary care. Your husband brought swinging into your marriage, does not believe in sexual exclusivity, has a separate social life and is having an affair with a teenager. This is a very abusive relationship.

Be sure and expose to the OWs parents and family.

Tell everyone, especially the cousin.

X2

It's clear you were under a lot of pressure to submit to the threesome. A caring husband does not bodily hand his wife over to some snake just so he can guilt her into getting into some other girl's pants.

He pimped you out as a down payment on a future of swinging.

It was a huge red flag that he wasn't jealous (as most people would be). But it's hard to spot because most abusive husbands are very loving and charming. That's why women don't leave them.

However, with everyone's support you will get through this. It may have a very cathartic effect on his morality. Mould doesn't grow well in sunlight.

Well, the easy part is we don't really have super separate social lives. I met her parents last week and can easier contact just about anyone i need on FB, in person or over the phone. I can't get to her friends (it's hidden), but I can easily log in as hubby and get any information I want from her account.

I'm meeting up with his dad (who will be irate) at 4 this afternoon. That will be the beginning. I then plan to plug everyone I can through fb and call his mom this afternoon.

I'm prepared for a separation I think. It is really going to tough since our entire schedules depend on each other-- but it is what it is.

Just cycling through sad and angry right now. I would love to go down to her work and have a beat down.
Such a disappointment.

Good job! But add her parents to the top of the list of your exposures.

Get er done!