Just would like some insight. My wife and I have been married 24 years. Last June I found out she had been engaged in a two year long affair with one of my lifelong friends. I did all the wrong things, she and him continued with the affair. His wife kicked him out in July 2014 and in August my wife moved out to go live with him.. I helped her pack and even drove her stuff over there and told her to have a nice life and to never speak to me again.

She didn't know he was seeing another woman on the side and right before Christmas she broke up with him and moved back in with me. I told her I didn't want her back but since we were still married I could not keep her out of the house. Since then she has tried to get me to forgive her and wants us to reconcile our marriage. i told her I would think about it but would not promise her anything. Last month I started sleeping with a woman I have known since high school. She is a widow and just moved back to this city about a year ago. I see her about twice a week, usually on the weekends. The sex is fabulous and we talk and talk and talk.

My wife has been crying almost every day and gets mad at me and tries to goad me into fights but I don't bite. I ,find myself strangely disconnected and unable to feel bad. I'm trying to get along with her and asked her why she just does not leave and file for divorce. Our kids are mad at both of us, and now my parents won't even speak to me..

Funny, it was okay with everyone when she left me, but now that I'm seeing someone I'm a villain. I didn't plan this. I did not deserve her cheating on me with my best friend, but I think it's very hypocritical of her to expect me to just forgive and forget what she did, or feel bad for reaching out to someone else for affection and companionship.

Am I wrong? I don't think so.

Do you know right from wrong?

Yes I know right from wrong. Her affair and destroying our family and marriage was wrong. My attempts to save it in those early days were right.

Didn't you post here earlier?

No. This is my first time.

But what about today?
Your kids are angry. Your parents are angry. Why is that?
I understand your viewpoint. Your wife ran off and only came back after she was dumped by her boyfriend. Happens all the time. Now she wants you to forgive her and hug her because she was dumped by the boyfriend.

But what you are doing is just as bad. You are committing adultery and expecting a pass on it.

If you know right from wrong, then why don't you start applying those standards to yourself? Revenge affairs are never right. You are nobody special. Most of us here have survived affairs. Having experienced such pain, I would never do that to anyone else. You seem to think you are justified. That makes you the villain. Your affair will crash on you just like your wife's affair crashed on her. Do you want to be happy? It is possible, but not by taking the road you are on.

If you want to recover your marriage and have a romantic relationship with your wife the Marriage Builders program can give you a plan for doing so.
But you would both need to agree to never see or speak to the boyfriends/ girlfriends again.

Is it really adultery? I think she tore up the marital contract when she cheated. There is no marriage in my mind. No, neither of us have filed for divorce, but that is just a formality isn't it?

I guess my question is, why do I have such a disconnect of my feelings. Nine months ago I never would have dreamed of having an affair outside my marriage, and I begged her to stop seeing him when I found out. I did everything wrong, but she wouldn't stop.

Now that she's back I don't want her. Is that normal?

Sir,

You're old enough not to play games and speak nonsense.
if marriage is just a formality then why do gays and lesbians go to the Supreme Court for the right to marry?
Its much more than a piece of paper.

You dont want your wife because you are in love with another woman.

You are setting a terrible example for your children.

The only "wrong" done here was her affair.

I'm not trying to be argumentative, but in my heart she ended our marriage back almost three years ago. I just didn't know about it until last June. The only reason she came back is because she has nowhere else to go, and I don't want to be seen as even more of a villain by asking her to move out. We are co-owners of our house so I cannot ask her to leave anyway.

I think my heart has become so numb to her that I just cannot empathize with her anymore.

Well then keep trying your methods.
Good luck with your relationships with your kids and parents.

You helped your wife carry on her affair. Instead of standing up against evil, you condoned it. You did not fight to protect your wife.

Affairs are built on fantasy...all of the fun and none of the work. People in affairs are very lazy and selfish, so they aren't interested in working to build a real relationship. Dr. Harley has said that most affairs last only two years, because once they are forced to exist in the light of day, the affair partners cannot maintain the fantasy.

I'm not doing this out of revenge. I don't wish any ill will towards my WW.

I'm doing it because I want to have sex with my female friend. My wife turned her back on me, gave herself tyo another man, but now she all of a sudden acts like she wants me again and that I'm a bad guy for seeing this woman. I do not want to have sex with my wife anymore, but I am a healthy man with needs.

I don't hate my wife anymore. She's a good person, but I have moved on. My hope is that she will find a job and move out on her own, then I can try to buy out her half of the house.

I just want to know how I can defend myself to my family and friends who seem to enjoy ganging up on me. I want them to understand my side. It is not like I told them my wife and I were getting back together. I made it very clear to everyone and her I was no longer interested in having the marriage back. I'm still stinging from what she did, but at the same time I don't hate her.

I feel kind of sorry for her because I was good husband to her, a good dad, and I did not deserve her cheating on me. And now she is unemployed and has nowhere to land. I do feel sorry for her. And I try to be discreet and not rub my personal life in her face. I have never brought my lady friend around her or the kids, nor do I brag about what I'm doing. I don't make a big show of it. A friend of a friend saw us at a restaurant together across town and it got back to my sister in law who told my wife. Had that not happened no one would have known. When my wife asked me about it I was up front and honest about it. FAr more honest than she has ever been with me.

Hmm. I didn't know I was supposed to protect her. I though all of us are supposed to be responsible for ourselves. I tried to get her to stop for almost two months and she would not. Then I had had enough of her getting dolled up every Friday night to go out and have sex with him, so when he got kicked out by his wife I asked her if she wanted to go be with him and she said yes. So I helped her pack and I drove some of her furniture over to the apartment he rented. I thanked my ex-friend for showing me what kind of person she really was before I wasted the rest of my life on her, then I shook his hand and I wished them both well.

Yes, it is very much adultery.

When you married, did you promise to love each other in good times and in bad? Did you stay married for the good times?

Yes, you are normal. Many of us who were betrayed have felt like having a revenge affair. Some on these boards did just that, and it made things horribly worse.

You have a disconnect of your feelings because you were very hurt. Dr. Harley says that many people have reported that the pain from an affair has hurt more than losing a child or being raped.

Now that you are also in an affair, you are living the same addictive fog that your wife lived for all of those months...you aren't feeling anything for your own wife because you are in love with someone else.

So you think I'm a lost cause huh?

Actually I am going to read Dr. Hartley's writings and see if I can nudge my heart into wanting to act.

What you are doing is much worse than what she did! She had her affair with little consideration for your feelings, whereas you are having your affair with full knowledge of the pain you are causing. Indeed, causing that pain is a principal motive.

It is obvious to third parties that you are rationalizing this disgraceful behavior on your own part. Don't expect other people to agree with you. None of us are standing in the fog with you.

If you are honest with yourself and all of us here, do you really believe that?

Back then, no one would have faulted you if you had chosen to divorce and move on. But you didn't. You stayed married, and now you, sir, are having an affair.

The couple in Dr. Harley's book entitled "Surviving an Affair" had the same problem. Their names were Jon and Sue. Sue was basically dumped by her lover and "had" to come back to Jon. Dr. Harley helped them both to rebuild a better marriage than prior to the affair.