Well, in case you wondered back then, how all of this came to pass...we can tell you.

Marriage is a relationship of extraordinary care.

That is what was lacking in your marriage pre-affair!

We do understand the hurt. We know that it is devastating. If you want to divorce your wife right now, we get it. What is NOT alright is dating before you are legally divorced. What you are doing now is called an affair.

On the other hand, if you want to have what thousands of Marriage Builders couples now have...a relationship of extraordinary care, where your wife will also learn to care for YOU in this same way...then keep reading.

No, if we thought that you were a lost cause, we wouldn't keep writing to you.

Speaking for myself, I think that the reason that your wife's affair hurt so much is because you cared so much.

You're not different or a special case compared with the rest of us betrayed spouses here though. We all felt that indescribable pain.

We all had to choose between divorcing or building a better marriage than ever. If we choose to re-build, we all had to commit to protecting our spouse from our anger over the affair. It is NOT easy...but if you stick around and read here, you will see that it IS possible.

So standards of right and wrong don't apply to you? Where did you get this special exemption?

I think that's cute to follow your heart..........if you are a teenage girl. But it is silly coming from a grown man.

This is great to read and a good start.

You could start with this and then wander around the site through the links at the left side: How can Trust be restored after an affair

All of his writings will be meaningless as long as you continue to commit adultery. We can save your marriage, but the adultery partner has to go first. It's much like the AA program: you have to stop drinking first.

Why did you not file for divorce?

Why are you still married?
What EXACTLY are you trying to accomplish?

This makes no sense considering the situation then and now.
If you want to stay married then end your affair and get on with recovery.

If, as you repeatedly say, you feel nothing for your wife, not interested in her, etc, etc, then get on with the divorce!!!!

Alpine you are now having your own affair. Two wrongs never make a right.

If you were through with your WW why have you not divorced her or at least start the filing process?

There are lots of great things to read here. Start with the articles.

x 2

You are committing adultery whether you want to call it that or not. If you don't want to be with your wife, fine but not filing for D and living like this is lazy and hurtful to your children. I don't know why you would want your own children to see you like this regardless of what your wife has done.

Bad to me is when a family member dies, a child turns to drugs, or you lose your job and income, or some kind of calamity resulting from forces outside your control enter into your life and you as a couple have to nut it out together. Adultery was her choice. She threw away her vows to me. So I have no responsibility to uphold mine to her.



I'm not in love with this woman at all. We are FWBs. In fact she is moving away in a couple months. So there is no attachment other than we just like having sex with each other.

Oh I don't expect people to agree with me. I appreciate the objective viewpoints. I guess where I am at is that I just don't care anymore. I have detached to a large extent.

I am not mad at her anymore really. Disgusted yes, but I pity her more than anything. And I do feel bad that I'm making her feel badly about all this, but she has only shown me jealousy towards my lady friend. She has never shown me any real remorse for what she did. She said she was sorry once, one time, the same way you would tell someone you are sorry for running into the back of their car and denting it.

I think where I am coming from is that I want to figure out if I even desire to reattach with her. Maybe I'm wasting everybody's time here.

Gross.
How Wayward.

Revenge affairs really are the worst kind. You know the pain that an affair inflicts firsthand, and you CHOOSE to do it anyway.

So... her affair was my fault?

That doesn't make any sense.

I thought I was a very good husband. I was attentive, I tried to show her I loved her all the time, I did my share around the house, was an awesome father, and I always took care of business and never let her want for anything really. We always talked things through...except for those last two years when she was having sex with my friend. The only way I could have known I was doing something wrong was if she had told me...and she never told me.

Just a week or so ago we were discussing this same issue and she admitted that her affair was not my fault. That about knocked me over. That is the closest she has ever gotten to taking responsibility for her actions.

If you would...could you tell me where YOUR standards come from, so I have a frame of reference?

The question is, will you take responsibility for yours?

But this is not an affair. An affair only occurs in the context of a marital relationship. The marital relationship ended the first day she decided to have sex with my friend. The only "marriage" is one which exists on a license that is tucked away somewhere in a filing cabinet in our basement.

I told her I could not understand why she was so upset now, since she completely disregarded my feelings and emotionally abused me during those months after I found out. I do not flaunt my meetups with my lady friend the way my wife did during her affair. I don't spend hours on my phone texting this woman. What I am doing is nowhere near in the ballpark of severity of what my wife was doing to me during those months.

Unless we see a willingness to end your affair and follow this program, we view this thread as a distraction. Unless that is your goal, we will lock this thread.

What is your purpose?

Seriously?

You are going to argue about the affair you are having on a forum full of grieving BS and people trying to piece their marriage?

What's wrong with you??

Did you see the sign on the door?

Marriage Builders??

I take responsibility for my actions totally. I have been up front and honest with everyone who has gotten in my face about this. And I am not going to apologize for living my life.

I told my wife if she wants a divorce she will have to be the one to file. She can pay a lawyer to start the paperwork. She brought this hell into our lives and she can end it whenever she wants. If she wants to win me back, she can start dressing up for me, doing nice things for me, and she can show she actually wants me. If I think she is really trying, if I ever see one shred of true remorse for what she did to us, then, maybe then I will think about giving the idea of reconciliation a chance.

But she hasn't shown me that. She has not shown me one shred of contriteness or remorse for breaking my heart. All she has done is play little Miss Drama Queen, putting on the boo-hoo show for anyone who wants to pay admission.