No. The show was at least two years ago.
Dr. Harley was discussing the policy of never contacting former lovers. During the discussion, he stated that ex wives/husbands fell into a sort of special category. He said that there is usually a negative love bank balance with ex's and in cases of remarriage, it's a good idea to have the new spouse act as a type of IM.

Technically, a person can't be in Plan B and remarry another spouse. The term is used a little loosely lately. Dr. Harley recommends no contact with former lovers (which includes ex's) but those with kids need some sort of contact and that's where a spouse acting as an IM can guard the marriage and facilitate necessary communication.

Plan B is a plan designed to maintain the love bank balance of a betrayed spouse in hopes the affair will die and the wayward will commit to a program of marital recovery. The rules of "plan B" don't apply to people that have divorced and remarried or have no intention of saving the marriage.

But Plan B also protects the betrayed from abuse, which can take place long after divorce. In any case, having little to no contact with an ex spouse is a good idea no matter what you call it.

Understandably so. I look at stats regarding failures of second marriages and feel the same way sometimes.

But I feel like most people in remarriage situations do not have a game plan like MB. They are flying blind, mostly.

We are a blended family, and let me tell you that it is very difficult and would be impossible without MB.

Brainhurts, from your signature, I thought that it was your second marriage with the blended family that experience infidelity. But it looks like you are in a blended family now and making it work. That's good.

Honestly, I would probably to try to date men without kids to lessen the complications. However, at 33 (34 or 35 when the divorce actually is finalized) with a kid, that's probably an extremely small dating pool. It would probably be darn near impossible to find a guy 30-40 without kids who would want to date a woman with a kid and a crazy ex-husband.

One thing I will say about my kid though--she is so, so great. And I am not just saying that because I am her mom. She is one one of the most positive, happy people I have ever met. She just exudes joy. Any man would be lucky to have her as a step daughter, really.

With kids below circa 4 years old, they mostly accept the step parent as "parent" which makes things a bit easier. It really depends on the constellation and the characters involved.

I really aim to fill my life with only good characters from here on out, so that's good. LOL.

I am going to go against conventional wisdom here and say I don't think it would be terribly difficult to find a good man in that age bracket, simply because I know a lot of decent well-grounded guys that are older millenials (so think early 30s) who are single and never married.

You won't find these guys in the typical dating spots because they mostly do not know how to meet women (which is why they are still single at that age), but they are out there. Like in churches.

The men I know in this category usually don't have any relationship experience so I'd insist on MB with someone like this because they will need it. They won't have any intuition or experience to rely on. Men who live alone this long usually have difficulty giving up IB from what I've seen as well. It's a big transition for a man to go from living on their own for 10 or 15 years to living with a women, since we tend not to be the most tidy creatures around.

I guess that's not painting a that great of picture now that I think about it, but anyhow. I see a lot of men with good character who would like to be married but simply haven't made meeting women a priority or are very introverted around women they do not know. A little frustrating when I see what the men with social skills but no scruples do to women on here and elsewhere.

I also see a LOT of men my age who get betrayed and end up divorced, especially if there are no children yet. Not to say they are all great potential partners either, but I think it is much more common than it used to be and I've read more than one study concluding the same thing. A lot of poisonous attitudes out there about marriage that female millenials latch onto as much as males.

PW, I meant to post to you earlier about Dr Harley dating advice but things have just been really hectic around here. It relates to the above, that's what reminded me.

Dr Harley's "general" advice to single moms about dating is stay single (don't get remarried - this doesn't mean don't date) until their children are grown.

Why? Because you will be opening the door to many potential problems for you and your children (blended family issues, exposing your kids to someone questionable, high 2nd divorce rate etc) vs just staying single. He says as a general rule of thumb that most good men don't really want to raise another man's children and if they don't have an issue with it, that could be a red flag. He believes women can be very happy on their own raising their kids and encourages them to try.

I have heard him say this a couple of times but I will try to find one radio clip in general that I am thinking of and post it for you if you have not heard it....

I personally am just terrified by all the blended family marriage horror stories that I see on the forums. Not only for myself, but especially for my kids...who have already been through hell. If it's meant to be, it will have to wait a few more years

That's a very interesting observation. I'd love to hear more of Dr. H thoughts on this issue, I'm sure he's seen this situation a lot.

I can see where this would become an issue with older children simply because the new husband would feel disempowered acting as an authority figure to the stepchildren, in addition to all of the other potential parenting issues with blended families that I have heard Dr. H talk about.

I mean, I'll be honest, he is right that most single men would prefer to avoid that situation because it is so much more complicated to get into than finding someone without kids and starting fresh, but I've seen men step into that role and do a great job before. If the man is crazy about you he will do what it takes to make it work. I think what Dr. H says makes a lot of sense though, as it might indicate that the man isn't a potential buyer if he's not concerned about the situation.

I'm kind of with happyheart though on the young children part though. I've seen situations around me with both and usually it seems to work much better with younger kids. But that's just anecdotal on my part.

Here are some good clips. I don't know if either of them are the one that SusieQ is talking about, but nevertheless still good clips.

Radio Clip on Single Mother Raising Children
Radio Clip of Single Mother Dating With Young Children

Well, none of that assuages my fears of being alone forever or anything...I am so young that I can't really imagine not being married again, but I would be super choosy, so it may not happen by default. I am not sure I believe the business about good men not wanting to be stepdads. I get that some men don't want any part of a complicated situation. And that's ok. I don't know how I would do as a step mom either.

Honestly, I am super scared, but that doesn't mean I won't be open to it. There are men that I believe are good out there who would take on a woman with a child. But yes, it's a big deal and such a person needs to be evaluated well. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. Like I said, I don't even know how I feel about dating honestly if that is the case. Why even go down the slippery slope of potentially falling in love if you think a blended family will be super unbearable?

I just listened to the segment and I agree that the dating pool for single moms is probably less desirable than for regular singles. That's what really makes it hard. I actually think you could find great guys who probably also had kids (betrayed themselves perhaps)-- but again, that's a whole different can of worms. Who wants to enter a marriage with two wayward exes in the picture? Double the crazy!!!

What is kind of funny is that when I talked to Dr. Harley before my show, I told him that if I met my husband now, I probably wouldn't date him because he hasn't done much with his career and I would feel like I was settling. When I actually met my wayward husband, he was finishing up graduate school and I was just starting it (in different fields). We were more equal then. As time went on, even during dating, his career waned and mind picked up. By the time we were married, I was the bread winner and he was unemployed. He is employed now, but I supported us for 4 years and tolerated less care in that way than I should have. This is very harsh to say-- but, I should have gotten out while dating. Of course, I was in my love fog at the time, but I should have known that marrying a guy who was ok with the idea of me supporting him was not a good move. When you know better..

Anyway, total aside. I will deal with the dating thing after the divorce. I have probably a year to just think about it.

Remember there was once a lovely lady raising three lovely girls, who met a fellow raising three boys of his own...

Widows and widowers have it easier!!

Thanks, Brainy!

This was the clip (a different one) I was thinking of:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3393#

The one thing that I think I have going in my favor is that I am going to try hard to build a life for myself (alone) that might be conducive to another relationship after a divorce. First, I am going to live with my father for at least the forseeable future to rebuild my finances and for support with my daughter. That will take some of the stress and pressure off and just make me happier. And I know that most men wouldn't like this for the obvious reason that it is not conducive to sex, but I don't plan on ever having premarital sex again, so I don't want those guys anyway. If I am single for a very long time, I'll probably move out, but I am planning right now for at least 2-3 years until I can really get back on my feet and am very happy again.

Secondly, I have taken a contract position that allows for greater job flexibility, which is not only great for my daughter, but might be good for a dating relationship as well because it creates more time. Lastly, I am just going to build a lot of friendships (with women) and do a lot of things I like and get very involved in church until the divorce is final to contribute to my happiness.

And I have one added advantage--my WH is very far away and he is unlikely to move, I think unless he gets serious about the marriage. His OW is there and his community of enabler friends is there. That means he won't be as much of a factor. He can come 1-2 times a month to see her for a weekend and that's it.

I get Dr. Harley's advice and I also get that I may never get married again, but it is really hard to accept that I wouldn't have any possibility of a romantic relationship until I am 48. I see people on these boards make it work, but I wouldn't go in naively at all. One thing I found out recently...my church uses his needs/her needs for premarital counseling. So maybe there is hope. I don't know. I just have to tell myself that I have 6 months- one year of divorce proceedings before this is even an issue. I'll come back to Black Raven and Susie Q on the subject then. I know BR has a boyfriend and Susie doesn't date.

What?

I do date and am friends with single men that I talk to, but I don't intend to get married and I DO NOT mix my children with my dating life, period. They have already been through hell and they don't have any desire.

Piglet,

Nobody wants to debate this issue with you. All we are doing is sharing Dr Harley's wisdom on the issue. If you want to discard his advice, that's fine with me. And I think everybody else on this thread.

I thought Dr. H told you that being married in your case would be a good idea given the health issues...but that WH wasn't that guy. If I got that wrong, please correct me.

As for me...yes I have a bf. My kids and his are all teens now which could be good or bad in different ways. We did not meet each other's children and the children did not meet one another until we had been dating for about nine months. We also do not live together and are on the same page about blended families, child discipline, boundaries with the ex, etc which makes life easier.

We do talk about marriage and would like to possibly marry one day but aren't in any hurry either. Just having teenagers is a challenge some days. I don't think it's a matter of whether there is hope or not (there is) but whether or not someone is willing to wait for the right person/time vs looking at a timetable and loosing sight of that.