My husband and I have been married almost 28 years. We have 5 now grown children. Our youngest, at 18, still lives at home.

About 17 years ago I had an affair with a co-worker. It started as a friendship and developed into a relationship with sexual attraction. We only had a sexual encounter 1 time about a year after we met but the emotional connection was very strong. After working with him for 3 more years, I changed jobs and have had no contact with him since.

Within the past several years I reconnected online with an old friend from before I met my husband. Again, this friend provided the emotional support that I was not receiving from my husband, which let to conversations that were not appropriate for us to be having. There was never an opportunity for a physical relationship.

This past November I finally disclosed both of these relationships to my husband, who had no idea of either of them. We are working to restore our marriage and desire to be together. After reading some of Dr. Harley's book's, we can both see the things we did not do for each other in our marriage which led us to where we are now. I feel like we are at a standstill. I have put a lot of effort into reading and trying to figure out where to go from here but my husband has a hard time making time to read any of these books. Not that he doesn't want to, just can't find the time. One of the things I read in Surviving An Affair is for the spouse who was cheated on to make a list of questions that they want answers to and for the couple to set aside a time when those questions would be answered, with the understanding that those questions would not keep being brought up. The idea seems to be to move on and leave the affair in the past and concentrate on doing everything you can to create a strong marriage form this point on. My husband still hasn't finished this book so I shared this part with him, well over a month ago. He hasn't put any effort in to making a list of questions. He tells me that he has questions he needs answers to but no list has been made.

Where do go from here? He assures me that he loves me and wants us to remain together, but we aren't making any real progress. Is there anyone here that has some helpful advice?

It sounds like he is either being dishonest with you or is having all of his needs met and does not feel/realize your marriage in in peril currently.

Have you identified and explained which of your own emotional needs are not being met that your APs were able to meet?

Welcome to MB.

I don't think you should try to get your husband to do the specific task of making a list of questions to ask you. Dr Harley recommends that the betrayed spouse makes this list, so that he can think about what he really wants to know, and then get those details established once and for all. This is done to avoid the situation where the couple discusses the affair over and over, which is harmful to the marriage.

However, it may be that your H already has the main details of the affair, as Dr Harley recommends (such as the identity of OM, whether the affair was sexual, where it took place, and for how long) and perhaps he does not want to know more intimate details. Is that the case? I would think that if more details mattered to your H, he would be a lot more pro-active about finding them out. I would not recommend pushing him to know things you think he ought to be curious about.

So, what basic details does your H know, and what else would you like him to know?

I don't think that your recovery is stalled because that step hasn't been taken, but it is crucial for your H to finish the book and for you both then to work through the checklist for recovery contained within it.

Have you tried reading the book aloud to each other? Several couples here have had success with this. You could read a chapter each evening.

Some of Dr H's other books are on CD, but not Surviving an Affair.

Signing up for the online Marriage Builders course would be the most effective way for you to use the programme and change your marriage. On this, you are assigned a coach, who guides you through weekly exercises based on sections of Dr Harley's books, and the accompanying work books. The coach works with you for a year, and is supervised by Dr Harley. You can get direct access to Dr Harley when you need it. It would be much harder for your H "not to be able to finish his reading" if you pay for the course and get bi-weekly reminders to get the work done.

Hoping she understands that it was her lousy boundaries around men that led to her affair. I sure wouldn't approach her husband in that manner, because that won't help the situation.

Pakaco,

Were the spouses or girlfriends of either of these OM told what they did?

Gamma

Something doesn't add up. I've never seen a BH on here who doesn't either become withdrawn out of disgust or become terrified of losing the marriage.

It would be interesting to hear his side of the story because what is described here is apathy, and the apathetic husbands I see on here are usually the ones who don't notice the ship is sinking. I can't really imagine a BH feeling that way, but that's what the first post sounds like.

I agree 100% about boundaries.

This is what jumped out at me that led me to mention ENs.

I have no doubt that she didn't meet his emotional needs and vice versa. There usually are issues in the marriage.

However, an affair would have never occurred if she had appropriate boundaries around men. All of the need meetin' in the world would not have prevented an affair if her love bank is open to others.

What they need to focus on now is affair proofing the marriage and creating a romantic marriage. But that will not happen unless and until she develops appropriate boundaries around men.

Is this really true? If a BH choses to punish, is it because he is disguted? Not that it is the case here, just asking.

No, it's not; there are plenty of husbands who are apathetic both before and after an affair.

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Yes.

This is true. My mother had an affair for years that was out in the open and my dad did nothing about it. He didn't fight for the marriage nor end it. This happens all the time.

Yes he knows the basic details but says he has more questions and wants me to be completely honest with my answers. This is why I brought up making a list of questions that pertain to the affair but he says he wants to do some more reading first. At the rate he reads it could be months before he has finished SAA. Right now things are going good in our relationship and we are working at discovering each of our main EN and how we can meet each others as well as eliminating LB. His reluctance to ask the questions he says he has is why I feel stuck.

The issues were that he didn't meet my EN.

Pakaco, do you and your husband understand that the reason you have affairs is because of your poor boundaries around men? Has that been addressed and resolved?

There will be times throughout life that emotional needs are not met.
My cousins husband is a young man and was in a coma suddenly. She wasn't having her emotional needs met obviously.

Thanks for clearing that up for me.

Pakaco,

You may want to offer to take a polygraph after answering all his questions.

One approach is to write out a letter detailing the affairs, you BH reads it or not, keeps it or not.

Another is for your BH to write questions in a journal which you write your answers in, sometimes face to face confessions can get emotional.

I doubt my W will ever be able to tell me the sexual details face to face, even after so many years.

Gamma

Gamma,

we know that you are in pain over your wife's behaviour.
If, however, the husband of this poster is not interested in the details, slapping him in the face with the details will be counterproductive to say the least. Many people find knowing this traumatizing and would rather forget.