Background: Married for nearly 7 years with two children. On Saturday, my husband confessed to sleeping with two different women, once in 2009 and the last one was 6 months ago.

For years, I had been feeling that something wasn't right but didn't have any proof. I discovered very inappropriate text messages on his phone on Saturday and I confronted him. It took him nearly an hour but he finally confessed to sleeping with two women he met online. I asked him why and he told me it was because I had been very disrespectful to him during our marriage. I know that I haven't been the perfect wife but does that really give him a license to cheat?

My husband wants me to get over it. He says it already happened and I should just move on! Since his confession, I have tried to talk to him about the way forward and he says he wants to remain married. But he clams up and gets upset when I suggest marital counseling. I don't know what to do. I feel like the only way to rebuild trust, recover and have a better marriage is through counseling. I am afraid of creating conflict but I feel like I'm putting in all of the effort towards reconciliation and my husband is doing his usual song and dance - shutting down communication, being indifferent and failing to understand how I'm feeling! I am trying to find ways to salvage my marriage but I'm pissed because it already seems like I'm the one putting all of the effort into reconciliation. I feel like he doesn't even appreciate my effort or the fact that I still want to be married!

Divorce is not an option. We have two small children. I don't want to put them through that.

I'm just at a loss as to what to do. I'm pissed that he doesn't even want to consider marital counseling. How is reconciliation even possible?

Anyone?

Hi ncgirl, welcome to Marriage Builders. We can help you recover your marriage if you and your husband are willing to follow this program. I would not go to marriage counseling because it will be a distraction at a critical time in your marriage. I would start with this checklist and then follow the program outlined in the book Surviving an Affair. We can help you go through it. Start with this and tell us what you have done so far:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

ncg,

Have you exposed to the husbands or boyfriends of these OW?

Gamma

If this is how you feel and he knows it, you will have little chance of recovering your marriage and creating a healthy one. He has zero incentive to change or come clean when he knows you will stay with him regardless.

You should expose his affair but if you have no boundaries or standards that will make you separate or possibly divorce him, I give your marriage little hope of ever being a happy one.

Welcome to MB

Thanks for your response. I'm sorry for my late reply.

My husband has revealed information about the affair to me. I asked him to see the email account he was corresponding with these women with and he refused. He claims he deleted it but I don't know that for sure.

As for the rest and according to him, these were women who he met online and hasn't had any contact with since. We do try to spend leisure time together but it's not easy since I feel that he's not understanding how I feel or where I'm coming from. His attitude towards this whole situation makes things very, very difficult for me.

Since his disclosure, I've tried to have sex with him but he's always denying me (he did this before I found out also). I'm lucky if I get it every 3-4 months. I'm trying my best to reconcile but this is very difficult. And of course, he refuses to go to marriage counseling. He says there's nothing that a counselor will be able to do. When he rejects me for sex, all I can do is think about how he took the time to develop online relationships with these women and eventually meet up with them and have sex. But you can't have sex with your wife? It hurts - A LOT.

I have no idea who these women are. There's no way for me to find out that information.

It's not that I will stay with him regardless, I just don't want to jump the gun, say it's over and divorce without even trying to work on our marital issues. I see this as an opportunity (and really, a last ditch effort) to work on and improve our marriage.

What's your advice?

Dr Harley would encourage you to expose his affairs to family and friends.

Okay, but this isn't an ongoing affair. These are isolated incidents with different women he meets online.

I did tell his brother but the problem is this. His father had an ongoing affair and several outside children resulted from it. Where my husband is from, having an affair is no big deal. It's like brushing your teeth. They don't think about it or talk about it. So this is where my husband's mindset is. That's why he's looking at me like, "What's the big deal? It already happened, let's move." Moreover, most of his friends are from this same part of the world and they approach these things very differently. They would ask me why I'm telling them, it's my business and then go spread the news around town. We run a business together and the fallout from me doing that would NOT be good.

Any other suggestions?

The fallout from you not exposing his affairs...will be for him to have more affairs. It's your choice, but exposure can shock an unfaithful spouse into ending an affair (and maybe in your case stop the behavior) and has the added benefit of getting you support.

Some of the other posters on here can speak to the issue of him being a serial cheater as well, which is very difficult to deal with. This guy is trolling for action, so the chances of him turning this thing around are slimmer than usual.

You have already received advice that is straight from Dr Harley's detailed instructions on how to recover from an affair (in your case affairs). Your response is to tell us why Dr Harley's plan, which he has developed from a 40 year career of recovering marriages, is not relevant to you.

You do not have to follow the MB plan or any advice. But you will not recover your marriage. It is that simple.

Your husband is trolling for affairs. He has had multiple affairs. He is going to continue this behavior because there is no consequence to him.

The most basic start to any recovery is for him to give you the details of the A's, names, the conditions that existed for him to have these A's, and any other information you need to protect yourself from future A's. He will not even do that basic step. There is no recovery happening here. You busted him on a few things and he has hidden the rest. He fully expects to continue his behavior and has no intention of stopping or recovering.

So no, he has not revealed information about the affairs to you. He is refusing to show you the SSL that allows him access to these women. He has not even revealed the identities of these women.

This does not matter, Dr Harley would still recommend exposure.

In fact, the fact that he is a trolling serial cheater means that he should have MORE requirements to recovery.

I have no idea why people think the status of the A has any effect on whether you tell people.

Look if someone does this to you, you TELL. You make it clear that every time in the future you will too. He never gets to keep secrets like these.

He's looking at you like it's no big deal because you're not making it one!

besides, his lack of sexual interest strongly implies he's still getting needs met by internet ladies.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583

Please read this thread and then tell us what your exposure plan is likely to be.

I wouldn't focus on exposing OW unless they are real people in any sense who know how to contact your husband and need to be run off.

If it's simply a case of getting everyone to see he's an affair addict who needs his computer supply cut off, focus on yours and his families and friends.

There's a significant chance this is one key OW and he's lied to protect her. For your sake I hope so because it's easier to run off one than infinite numbers.


I would advise proper snooping before you pull the exposure trigger.

He can tell you. You have a right to know everything. So go ask him to give you all of the information about the affairs, including names, dates, how they met, where they live, their phone #s.

If he won't do this, then you need to make plans to separate because his refusal to tell you means a) this will continue and b) he is not serious about recovery. If he continues to harm you like this, you will suffer terrible emotional damage.

Get the names of his affair partners and expose his affairs. Find their husbands, families, and expose them. You can contact these women directly and tell them he is married.

You need to hold him to a very high standard right now for the SAKE OF YOUR CHILDREN or he will destroy your marriage and your family with his affairs.