Hello, sorry for the long post. Please advice on what would you do if you in my situation. It just so many things going on at once, and I don't know how which is the best solution to all this.

I had a cold childhood, my Chinese mother was abusive her children. Both me and my brother have move out away from for more than a decade already. But she still trying to control us, dictating us who we should married. She is a very controlling mother.

Throughout my whole childhood I hear she belittle me, put me down everyday, being verbally/emotionally abusive to me. So it does take a toll on my self-worth.
To my mom in her eyes, I'm worth less than a dog on the street.

Subconsciously seem like my childhood experienced still haunt me. Now as an adult, sometimes I do feel like I'm not worth it to be love at all.
It also does make me feel awkward when I get alot of affections from my husband.

I'm Chinese, my husband is Black. Met him when I was 26, dated when I was 28 and we married three months ago, and I'm 30 this year.

This whole relationship was alot of hardship because of my Chinese mother disapproval. But her disapproval doesn't matter anymore because we married now.
Finally we can be together, I do want some 'couple time' alone with him before I bring a baby into the picture.

I know when I choose to married my husband, my mom will disown me and she already did disown me. But I have ZERO regrets, he is an awesome husband. If I can turn back the hand of time, I will choose him again, it always be him.

When we date he work 1 job, now we married he working 2 jobs so we can have enough money for a house.
I told him we should try to pay our house half in Cash, half in Mortgage. This is one of the reason why he working his butt off right now.

We have been working for more than a decade so do have decent amount of money in both our Saving accounts.
BUT I keep want to aim at paying the house half in Cash and this is hard. Maybe we should move to another state to buy a cheap house?
I'm also working but I work 1 job and it a hourly pay job with little commission, so I don't make much. We both are Financially independent.

Situation is that I promise him we will TTC next year in 2016, but now I want to hold it off few more years.
The reason is I think my husband won't have time for the baby. Because right now everyday he working 2 jobs, everyday 12-14 hours. So if now I'm pregnant, he won't be able to spend much time with the baby.

When my husband get off work, all he have time for is shower, eat and sleep and next day work long hours again.
And baby cries alot, if baby cries all night and we both have to keep wake up. Then it will disrupt his sleep, how he going to have enough sleep to work 12-14 hours next day? Hope this make sense.

Eversince we married, my husband keep having baby fever. This month I'm late on my cycle, and he happy that I'm late. He be THRILLED if I'm pregnant!!

When he left to work, he kiss my stomach. He said take the pregnancy test and when I�m pregnant, he wants to kiss my stomach EVERYDAY for 9 Months until the baby born.

I can already tell our future baby will be spoil, not even born yet and already have daddy kisses everyday. And with the way he is I can tell that he will spoil his kids rotten.

We probably have cultural clashes when we raise our kids. I know I will be very strict to my kids. And him the Dad that will spoil his kids. The kids will always run to daddy daddy for everything because daddy spoil them.

I had take the pregnancy test, I'm not pregnant. It just I'm newlywed and mybody still trying to get used to BCP, and I take my BCP everyday on time so I know I'm 99% safe

It is too SELFISH of me that I want to hold back baby plan for the next few years? So that we can have a solid financial ground, so my husband can go back to work 1 job, and then we have a baby?

His plan is after we buy our house, he want to go back working 1 job. And we have our baby, he wants to be around the baby. I'm not even pregnant yet and he already have this much baby fever.
BUT my worried is when we have our house, we have to pay Mortgage and Bills, and with a baby will cost more money.

We both don't spend much, but we do want the best for the baby. Baby do cost ALOT right? If baby cost alot then he have to go back to work 2 jobs, then he won't be able to spend time with the baby. This is what I'm woried about.

Any tips? Baby advice? What would you do if you in my situation? Is a house a must have before have a baby?
I know he is a doting husband. If I told him I want to wait few more years before TTC, he probably will just go along with it just for me.
BUT then I know deep down inside he probably not happy, I can tell how much he wants a baby.
And he is only 29 year olds, isn't it kindda young to be a father, but he soooooo ready.

IG, there seem to be two separate issues here: when to have a baby (including your concerns about finances and the amount of work your husband does now), and what you call "cultural clashes" when you raise your kids.

You ask what we would do in your situation, and whether to tell you husband that you want to wait a few more years before trying for a baby.

The answer is that some of us would want to do what you want to do and wait, and some of us would want to have a house first, while others of us might feel just like your husband seems to feel, wanting a baby right away.

The point is that what we feel does not matter. There is no right and wrong answer in this. What is crucial is that you talk to your husband about your feelings, and ask him to discuss his. When he tells you how he feels, you must be sure not to suggest that he is wrong if he says he wants a baby right away, or that he is too young or that his "baby fever" is abnormal. He feels as he feels, just as you do, and the way forward is to make a plan, having explored each other's perspectives on this.

You need to communicate your concerns about how much he works now, even without the additional cost of a child. In fact, if working two jobs already means that you do not get enough time to spend 15 hours per week out of the house on dates, and if you spend long periods alone at home without him, this is already a problem for your marriage, and it should be rectified today. Your marriage could run into serious problems if you work with schedules that mean you see little of each other.

You need to brainstorm solutions to your concerns about money - one of which might be that trying to pay half the price of a house in cash is causing your husband to have to work too much. A solution to his overworking could be to go for a mortgage now, with the cash that you have now, and based only on one of your husband's sources of income. That would allow you to move the house purchase, and possibly the baby, forward (if you are happy with that), and it would also mean that you were living within your means in the future.

About the other issue of "culture clash": In your post you made a number of assumptions that amount to disrespectful judgements about how your husband would behave as a father. To have the best marriage, you need to avoid making such judgements. You need to read Dr Harley's book Love Busters to see how DJs can ruin your marriage. I also recommend his Fall in Love, Stay in Love, and His Needs Her Needs for Parents. These will help you negotiate the issues of how much time you should spend together, and how to find that time when you are parents, and also, how to negotiate issues such as how to agree standards by which to raise your children.

It is very good that you are thinking about future problems today, before the children arrive. The answer is that you and your husband need to agree on your lifestyle together, so you must talk to him.

You do not have to try to conceive next year if you do not feel ready. The two of you should negotiate and only have a baby when you both feel enthusiastic about it.

That said, once you do have a baby, you should make sure you continue to schedule your 15 hours UA time, and also add in 15 hours family commitment time each week. This will insure that you continue to be together as a husband and wife, as well as having enough time to be with your child as a family.

Nobody can tell you when it will be a good time for you to have a baby. That is something you and your husband must decide together.

Thank you for the advice, noted and appreciated.

We both poor so it not much of a choice we have. That is why I'm working 1 job and he working 2 jobs.

We are living in a cheap rent bad area neighborhood right now. And we don't want to raise a newborn baby in this type of environment, this is why we want to buy a house... Heck, perhaps maybe I should told him that we just go Rent at a better environment neighborhood, and stop pressure over this house issue. But he thinks it better to have a house, for our future and our baby future too.

I am fine if my husband want to spoil the kids rotten. BUT I personally want my kids to have discipline. That is all I'm saying.

Like I mentioned above. Throughout my whole childhood I hear my mother belittle me, put me down everyday, being verbally/emotionally abusive to me. It does take a toll on my self-worth.
To my mom in her eyes, I'm worth less than a dog on the street.

I don't know if my abusive childhood is making me scare from being a mommy. And I hope I'm not using the house excuse as to run away from being a mommy.
I do want time with my husband, I went through alot of hardship to be with him. We didn't have a honeymoon because he work so much. Now with a baby, we probably won't have alone time as a couple anymore.

But then I see him soooo ready to be a father and all his baby fever. Sometimes I do feel like I want to just get off BCP, and TTC naturally, whatever happens will happens. I'm just so confused right now.

It also seem like I have multiple layers of issue. From cultural difference to my abusive childhood, to worried about him not have enough time to be with the baby when he working 2 jobs long hours everyday.

His plan is after we buy our house, he want to go back working 1 job. And we have our baby, he wants to be around the baby... BUT my worried is when we have our house, we have to pay Mortgage and Bills, and with a baby will cost more money.

My marriage seem fine so far, he is an awesome husband. We spend time together every night when he get home, even when he get home late we still spend time together. When he have half a day off or one day off, we do spend it all together.
When he work late, I cook for him in the middle of the night so he can have fresh meals to eat. Our sex life is fine. Despite him working hours, he still have all the energy for sex, lol

It just that beside working long hours everyday. He come home, shower, eat and sleep. And that seem like all he have the time for.
If we have ababy now and baby keep crying at night, he won't have enough sleep so he can work long hours the next day. That is what I'm worry about. It all my worries, he thinks everything will be fine.

When he wanted marriage, I constantly told him that there a big cultural difference between us. Pretty much he said as long as I�m by his side, we go through these together and everything will work out.
But it me that keep worrying in. And from my post, I do worried alot, sigh

You said all of this in your first post. We addressed it by explaining how using Marriage Builders would solve the issues.

What did you take from our advice?

Read the books recommended. And I will talk to my husband more about this on the weekend.

And perhaps maybe I should told him that we just go Rent at a better environment neighborhood, and stop pressure over this House issue. But he thinks it better to have a house, for our future and our baby future too.

I can always ask him to work 1 job instead of 2 jobs, but then we be continue living in the hood for the next couple years. And none of us want to raise a baby in this type of environment.

And just want to say, none of us rush into this marriage. We understand each others too well.
We know each others 4 years and we were friends before dating. Our distance is ridiculously close too. We live in the same cheap rent area neighborhood that was how we met, dated and married.
We did NOT rush into this marriage. It was me drag it too long, we should have got married earlier instead of wait till I'm 30, my fault.

And I stood my ground, I will not spoil the kids rotten. He can spoil them all the wants, but I will be the strict mother. He being too lenient and I'm strict, hopefully it will help balance out.

Anyways, thank you for all advice, noted and appreciated.

I don't care for the house. I married him with nothing. We got married at a City Hall/Courthouse wedding. With no engagement ring, no wedding reception, no honeymoon. And in defense of my husband, this was all my insist.

It is him that think it better to have a house. Because he grow up in a bad environment area so he understand it. He doesn't want his children grow up in the same type of environment that he grew up in.
If he wants a house then I let him have it his ways. I will not throw tantrum at him over this.

Have you ordered the books yet?

You don't "tell" him what to do. What you should do is raise the issues of the baby, the finances and job, and the neighbourhood. You identify the problems from both perspectives:

"Respect is the key to success in this phase of negotiation. Once the issue has been identified, and you hear each other's perspectives, it is extremely important to understand each other--not try to straighten each other out. Remember that your goal is enthusiastic agreement, and there is no way you will be enthusiastic if you reject each other's perspectives. In fact, the only way you will reach an enthusiastic agreement is if you not only understand each other, but also come up with a solution that accommodates each other's perspectives."

You then each come up with a number of possible solutions to the problem. This might take a long period of time:

"When you brainstorm, quantity is often more important than quality. Let your minds run wild; go with just about any thought that might satisfy both of your Takers. If you let your creative side run free, you are more likely to find a lasting solution.

Carry a pad of paper or a pocket notebook, with you so you can write down ideas as you think of them throughout the day. Some problems may require days of thought, and pages of ideas. But keep in mind your goal-a solution that would appeal to both of your Takers."

You then choose the solution that you both support enthusiastically:

"After brainstorming, you will have come up with some good and some bad solutions. Now you need to sort through them. Good solutions are those both you and your spouse consider desirable. In other words they meet the conditions of the Policy of Joint Agreement. Bad solutions, on the other hand, only take the feelings of one spouse into account at the expense of the other. The best solution is the one that makes you and your spouse most enthusiastic.

Many problems are relatively easy to solve. You will be amazed at how quickly you can find an enthusiastic agreement to some problems when you have decided to hold off on any action until you both agree. That's because when you know you must take each other's feelings into account, you become increasingly aware of what it will take to reach a mutual agreement. Instead of considering options that are clearly not in your spouse's best interest, you reject them immediately and begin to think of options you know would make both you and your spouse happy. It's amazing how smart you can be when you direct your mind to find smart solutions."

The quotes in red are from this article by Dr Harley: Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation

So, you discuss ways of resolving those issues, and choose the solution that you both enthusiastically agree on. Use the guidelines.

Nobody here said anything about your having rushed into this marriage. Why are you bringing this up, and with such a defensive tone?

You need to find a better solution than this. Bringing up the kids with vastly different approaches is a recipe for conflict between you, which will be disastrous for your marriage. The children will not thrive, either.

The book He Wins She Wins will teach you much more about negotiating, and it includes a section on negotiating conflict over children. Order that book as well as the others.

I think you have a lot of reading to do!

Yes, but will you use it? Will you order the books today? Will you talk to your husband and encourage him to read them? Will you make notes on what they say? Will you use them to resolve these issues?

Yes, I will follow all the advice. I'm sorry, I apologize. I'm just stress and confused right now. It obvious that there mutliple layers of concerns in my situation.

Do the books you mentioned have on Amazon Kindle? I do have Kindle subscriptions. Amazon should have all the books you mentioned right?

For goodness sake - who said anything about throwing a tantrum over this? Is that what you have taken from our advice? Can you point to a single thing we have said that suggested you should do anything like that?

Throwing a tantrum is a combination of an angry outburst and a selfish demand, two of the three love busters. In fact, a tantrum usually includes a few disrespectful words, so it probably combines all three love busters into one, disastrous event. Tantrums are an absolute no-no in marriage. They will do enormous harm, and they will never do you any good. If a spouse attempts to force the other spouse to do what they want, they will live to regret it. Forcing our spouse creates resentment, and that erodes love. Nobody here has suggested, nor would ever suggest, that you do anything like that.

Instead, Dr Harley suggests that you raise the issues in a safe environment - which is to say, you make a commitment that your discussion will not include any of those love busters, and that it will be pleasant and safe. There will be no demands, disrespect or anger.

Having raised the issues, you negotiate in that pleasant and safe environment.

You negotiate; you do not scream.

There are Kindle editions of some of Dr Harley's books. I'm not sure which ones, because I don't use a Kindle. Go to Amazon and find out!

Independent girl,

why don't you talk with a few banks first?
Then you can make a realistic calculation what a house would cost in an ok neighbourhood.
And talk to people who have bought a house and ask them what extra cost they have paid.
You do not need a very big house, as long as it is in the right neighbourhood.

Although I think it is a very good idea to have some money of your own before buying, very few people have the money to pay for half the house at once.

The chances of becoming pregnant and having a healthy baby go down slowly after the age of 28. If you want to wait a few more years, you will be 35. If you do not get pregnant rightaway, you will have only few years left for fertility treatments and trying again.

You have to think it over with your husband and make the calculations so that you know where you stand.
Although I understand your concerns, there is no "perfect" time for having a baby.
Important is, that the baby has health insurance. Apart from that, babies don't cost much. Diapers and a few clothes is all a baby needs in the beginning and you can breastfeed which ist the best food available and it is free. Many people buy too many things like baby bath tubs and baby closets and so on. A baby needs a little bed to sleep and loving parents and maybe a car seat. It does not need 5000 pink baby items that you never use and throw out after half a year.

The way you have presented your problem bothers me. You have set it out as a fight, which only one of you can win by making the other give in, and if neither will give in, you will each do your own thing. You are making a lot of assumptions about your husband, and focusing on your differences, including the cultural ones, as if you are deliberately trying to paint a picture of incompatibility.

For example, you said above,

"And I stood my ground, I will not spoil the kids rotten. He can spoil them all the wants, but I will be the strict mother."

- making it seem as if you already know that there is no common ground between you on this issue. Why do you go out of your way to create that situation?

If, when the kids arrive, you do turn out to be so far apart from each other on "spoiling" and strictness, this will be a challenge for you to negotiate between you, not a battle in which you will each fight your corner. What sort of a way is that to bring up kids?

The way to overcome those differences is to look at each other's perspectives on strictness and spoiling, and come up with a form of childrearing that satisfies you both. And I would caution you NOT to assume either of your feelings in advance. You do not know how much you might want to spoil your adorable children once they are here, and you do not know how your husband might want to deal with their disobedience and tantrums.

You also said,

"If he wants a house then I let him have it his ways."

The thing is that neither of you should go through this marriage letting the other have his or her way. If you do that, you will feel resentment, and that will do a lot of harm.

Your marriage is not a battleground on which you either fight to win your way, or give in and let the other have his way.

I'm glad you've come here so early in your marriage, because you have time to learn how different things should be, if you are to have a romantic, successful marriage.

I so agree with happyheart about how little babies really need and I would add that there is no need for a baby to disturb your husband at night. I do not remember any of my three children waking their father even once during their entire childhoods.

When they are tiny babies, they wake up when they are hungry. Men can't breastfeed so it would be a nonsense to disturb him.

I can see that this experience has affected you very deeply, and I'm sorry you went through it.

However, Dr Harley would advise you to put it behind you as fast as possible and do not focus on it as a factor in your life, today and in the future. If necessary, stop seeing your mother.

That really depends on the couple, livingwell. A lot of women WANT their husbands involved in the care of babies at night.

Markos is very involved with our nighttime feedings and changings.

This is something they will need to negotiate and decide for themselves what will work -- and very likely they will need to renegotiate several times before the baby is sleeping through the night.

I am 30 year olds this year. I will be 31 if we go as plan TTC in 2016
If I wait two more years till 2017, I will be 32

There women that get pregnant at the age of 38, in fact there alot of women these days give birth late. It is common these days for women to give birth till 40

I'm sorry, if I'm not ready to have a baby, I won't have. And I will not rush into it just because I'm right at 30 year olds.

It seems like I do have multiple layers of issues. From cultural difference, to abusive mother in my childhood, to worried about my husband not have enough time to be with the baby when he working 2 jobs long hours everyday.
It not just simple solely the house issue.

The house is not a big problem right now. The problems is all coming from me, seem like all problems is roots from me and my childhood.
I guess when I was little, I open my heart to my mom, and she hurts me. So now I'm scare to be vulnerable. I try to prevent myself from being vulnerable.
It like I built an emotional walls up inside myself to prevent myself from getting hurt emotionally.

Perhaps I should seek Therapy/Counseling to help me regarding my abusive childhood, but then therapy is not cheap. So I don't think I have enough money for Therapy.

Thank you so much for all advice. I will find the recommended book from Amazon Kindle to read. And I will talk more about this to my husband on the weekend.
Thank you, thank you again so much for all the advice given to me.

I am a medical doctor and yes, women over 40 can become pregnant. Still, it is sensible to recognize, that declining fertility is a factor that is just there.

Nobody is telling you to do anything. It is very good to talk it over with your husband, having all the facts about:

- the price of buying and renting houses in various neighbourhoods
- what your monthly expenses would be if you pay 50%, 30%, 15% or 0% as a downpayment
- what the bank will expect from you if you should buy
- fertility and your age

an honest talk with your husband about the above, raising children etc. can help you make the decision

Therapy is usually unnecessary if you follow this program. You may want to try it for a few months and decide if you feel better.

There are 2 kinds of therapy: the one where you talk about everything past in your life that has gone wrong and the one where you learn to achieve what you want in life without letting the past bother you.
Dr. Harley states that the first option it is not neccessary and often harmful, because you cannot change the past. To make a better future is the better option.

I wanted to reassure independentgirl that babies do not have to mean broken nights for both parents. In my case, his involvement was not an option that was open to me. As you say, this is something to be negotiated.

Your only complication is that you and your husband don't know how to work together. You take turns being happy instead of being happy together and are proud to be financially independent and independent in how you think is good to raise a child. You don't spend time being friends and understanding the other person right now so you are getting farther and farther apart instead of closer which makes it all seem complicated.

Negotiation skills and using the policy of joint agreement 100% of the time are the only way a couple can survive having a baby and raising a child(ren) and have a great marriage at the same time. It is the only way to keep a great life-long loving marriage without kids too!

All the best predictions about what parenting will be like and what happens at night with babies will fall short of reality in one way or another. There are too many variables. You have to know that you can negotiate a solution for the challenges when they happen..... then you will feel more ready for a baby.

More than anything else, independentgirl, you and your husband must stop being so independent and learn to work together. Interdependence is good. Both strong but for the other person's benefit too, not just strong for yourself. You have already come through many challenges to be married, but if you do not learn to consider both of your desires at once and ONLY do things that make you BOTH happy at the SAME time there will not be a happy ending.

You are not ready for a baby, but this is not because you don't have a house and enough money or enough time, or have a bad mother. It is because you are not a team with your husband.

Marriage builders is helping my husband and I become a team. You can read books and study at home, but if you are very pressured with work and conflicts I think the coached study guide helps it happen! Just ask your husband if both of you can agree to spend money for one year of marriage builders coaching to learn everything about being a team. This is the most important thing to learn for having a happy life with or without baby, house, savings accounts,jobs, and past life.
Then you can have a team plan about when to conceive a baby and you both be happy about it. You can have a team plan about raising the baby, and buying house, and all your money, and family problems and make a beautiful life together with no fights and no more hurt feelings and complications you don't know how to fix.