|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573 |
Nothing.
I asked if I could walk the dog with her, in a text and then hours later again verbally, since she hadn't responded to the text.
Thanks, Remark No, Remark. This is not correct. She feels that you are disdainful towards her. You MUST figure out what you are doing that she feels is disdainful, if you want to keep your marriage. So don't be like my kids and say "I didn't do it." You did do it. You've got to figure out what it is, and stop it. What did you do that she feels is disdainful? This is not just a matter of doing some things on a list. You have got to engage in some thinking and problem solving. Your wife will probably not tell you what it is you are doing or saying that she finds disdainful, so you have got to figure it out.
Markos,
I honestly don't know. I'm thinking.....
I texted once asking her to consider letting me walk the dog with her. I said I'd even jog if necessary as she walks at a brisk pace with long strides.
Hours later (9:00ish PM), after a counseling session for our son, I asked if I could walk the dog with her since she hadn't responded to my text. I didn't mention 'You didn't respond to my text, so I don't know.' or anything with attitude. I simply asked her verbally, sincerely with no attitude and she said "no, it's not something we ever have done." I said, "OK, it'll be a change, then." She walked away. As I came downstairs and entered the room she was in, I simply asked "is that firm 'No'?" (again with no attitude or anything.) And she said "Yes".
So, the only thing I can figure is me asking her something a second time vexes her and makes her feel I have disdain for her because I didn't like her first answer so I nag her again with it, I think.
Or, it might be because I won't simply "go away" and accept the demise of our marriage.
That's all I can come up with.
But I honestly don't have disdain for her. Sure, I feel hurt, loneliness and rejection, similar to what's she's felt for years, I imagine and empathize with, but not disdain.
Thanks,
Remark
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209 |
Next time, try:
How would you feel about ......?
Then if you get nothing back, don't be incessant and force a response. That is not pleasant. At that point, let it go until the next invite. Try something different.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573 |
Next time, try:
How would you feel about ......?
Then if you get nothing back, don't be incessant and force a response. That is not pleasant. At that point, let it go until the next invite. Try something different.
Thanks, DidntQuit,
Great idea.
Will do.
Thanks,
Remark
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Remark,
What things do you do that your wife has said hurts her? What things has she told you about that you are still doing?
DON'T SAY "NOTHING." Use your noggin and figure it out and tell us.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Remark, instead of asking her about going with her walking the dog and making a big production out of it and stressing her out, I would have just gone and tagged along with her. Asking her about it hours ahead of time for a simple walk of the dog is major overkill. Just go be with her and be pleasant to be around. If you do ask her something, stick to the formula: "How would you feel about?"
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573 |
Remark, instead of asking her about going with her walking the dog and making a big production out of it and stressing her out, I would have just gone and tagged along with her. Asking her about it hours ahead of time for a simple walk of the dog is major overkill. Just go be with her and be pleasant to be around. If you do ask her something, stick to the formula: "How would you feel about?"
Markos,
Wouldn't that be like me not accepting her 'No' from earlier?
Thanks,
Remark
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Remark, instead of asking her about going with her walking the dog and making a big production out of it and stressing her out, I would have just gone and tagged along with her. Asking her about it hours ahead of time for a simple walk of the dog is major overkill. Just go be with her and be pleasant to be around. If you do ask her something, stick to the formula: "How would you feel about?"
Markos,
Wouldn't that be like me not accepting her 'No' from earlier?
Thanks,
Remark
I don't understand why you asked in the first place. I would have just gone. Of course once she has said "no" now you are stuck. Why didn't you just go be with her? Walking the dog is not a date or a big production and does not have to be arranged or planned in advance. Go be with her.
Last edited by markos; 04/30/15 01:17 PM.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573 |
Remark, instead of asking her about going with her walking the dog and making a big production out of it and stressing her out, I would have just gone and tagged along with her. Asking her about it hours ahead of time for a simple walk of the dog is major overkill. Just go be with her and be pleasant to be around. If you do ask her something, stick to the formula: "How would you feel about?"
Markos,
Wouldn't that be like me not accepting her 'No' from earlier?
Thanks,
Remark
I don't understand why you asked in the first place. I would have just gone. Of course once she has said "no" now you are stuck. Why didn't you just go be with her? Walking the dog is not a date or a big production and does not have to be arranged or planned in advance. Go be with her. Markos, Because I know she has objected in the past, I felt it'd be presumptuous on my part. I don't assume I can do anything with her these days. My IB over the years has caused her great pain over the years, to my shame. BTW, I had even come up with a list of probing, heart-mining topics to talk about if she were willing. Thanks, Remark
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
A wife in withdrawal will object, but you have to try again. Eventually when you have learned to stop being disdainful of her and have pleasant conversations with her, she will not object to you being around. But to get to that point you have to try. Try and try again.
Probing heart-mining topics don't sound very fun to me. Are you sure she would enjoy that?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Prisca objected to me being around when she was in withdrawal. I did it anyway.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573 |
A wife in withdrawal will object, but you have to try again. Eventually when you have learned to stop being disdainful of her and have pleasant conversations with her, she will not object to you being around. But to get to that point you have to try. Try and try again.
Probing heart-mining topics don't sound very fun to me. Are you sure she would enjoy that? Markos, I meant only 'date night' type conversation starters. What do you dream about for the future, not problem-solving conversation. Did you think I was talking about issues? UA for 15 hours, is supposed to make deposits, so that is what I was after. What works for you and Prisca sounds good to me. Not sure it will work for us. Thanks, Remark
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209 |
Remark, instead of asking her about going with her walking the dog and making a big production out of it and stressing her out, I would have just gone and tagged along with her. Asking her about it hours ahead of time for a simple walk of the dog is major overkill. Just go be with her and be pleasant to be around. If you do ask her something, stick to the formula: "How would you feel about?"
Markos,
Wouldn't that be like me not accepting her 'No' from earlier?
Thanks,
Remark
I don't understand why you asked in the first place. I would have just gone. Of course once she has said "no" now you are stuck. Why didn't you just go be with her? Walking the dog is not a date or a big production and does not have to be arranged or planned in advance. Go be with her. Markos, Because I know she has objected in the past, I felt it'd be presumptuous on my part. Correct. I don't assume I can do anything with her these days. Smart. My IB over the years has caused her great pain over the years, to my shame. BTW, I had even come up with a list of probing, Ick. heart-mining Ick. topics to talk about if she were willing. Thanks, Remark
Markos does have a point about seizing little opportunities to spend time with her, and not making it a formal production. He's saying that it's okay to be persistent in showing interest in her, even if she rejects you. Maybe just go, but don't argue with her about it if she refuses and don't be forceful or obstinate. This isn't really INDEPENDENT behavior, it's more INTERDEPENDENT behavior.
As for IB, make sure that any and all decisions to be made in your lives regarding schedules, finances, kids, in-laws are made following the POJA.
If you do invite yourself, please just be a likable, pleasant person. For example, on a dog walk, talk about the scenery, the weather, and the dog and NOTHING ELSE. I'm being serious!!
Don't go probing and mining. You sound like a surgeon trying to figure out what's hidden inside. (Get rid of the stuff that teaches you about probing and mining. Why are we helping you if you are seeking out other stuff... you didn't come up with that by yourself, did you?) Okay. Now can you rephrase this back to us to help us know that we're clear? the message you are getting here?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209 |
NED,
Yes, agreed. We've been taking him to counseling because we know of that impact on him.
But, what is 'FC'?
And, our son's been part of my IB. That is, while his mom has stopped going to church, disdainhe and I went. While my wife doesn't care for sports,disdain my son came and watched me and his sisters play softball until I stopped both of those IB's last Fall. Now, I just drop him off at church, return home and then pick him up.
Thanks,
Remark Here you are making your wife out to be the sourpus. You may think that you are stating facts, but this sounds like a dig about your wife. Marcos asked you to stop bringing her in. How would you feel about rewriting this in a way that does not point to your wife as the bad guy?
OK, FC = Family Commitment, which I have always had to a fault.
I honestly feel and meant no. It is who she is, her prerogative. I was addressing FC, concern for/of our son and his being involved with my IB. Not defending my IB (bad mistake for years), just saying our son was with me because he wanted to come along as he plays sports and got to see his sisters (as I did daughters), and not neglected.
However, I see your point and will discontinue any references like that.
Thanks,
And, I'm not quitting either,
RemarkI'm glad that you're not quitting. We shall see...  I asked you for something at the end of my post. Are you conveniently ignoring me? (btw-Each bolded statement below, is an example of defensiveness and excuse making (even if you consider it to be explaining). This is part of what is frustrating your wife and why she can't bring up problems with you without you dismissing her. It is an example of you defending your pure intentions and ignoring her complaint in the process. When dealing with your wife, the last statement of "I see your point..." or I'm sorry, how can I adjust?" is all that's needed. We've gone over this before. Of course I got your intentional points the first time you stated them.) P.S. I think that you are making good posting progress.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573 |
Will reply yet this evening. Am at a Boy Scout meeting with son. Having trouble digesting and reading bolded words on phone.
And, no I wasn't intentionally avoiding the question.
Will reply later this evening.
Thx. remark
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209 |
No rush, Remark. It will take some thought and time. Whenever you can.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
A wife in withdrawal will object, but you have to try again. Eventually when you have learned to stop being disdainful of her and have pleasant conversations with her, she will not object to you being around. But to get to that point you have to try. Try and try again.
Probing heart-mining topics don't sound very fun to me. Are you sure she would enjoy that? Markos, I meant only 'date night' type conversation starters. What do you dream about for the future, not problem-solving conversation. Did you think I was talking about issues? UA for 15 hours, is supposed to make deposits, so that is what I was after. What works for you and Prisca sounds good to me. Not sure it will work for us. Thanks, Remark Remark, I don't think "What do you dream about for the future?" will make any love bank deposits. She dreams about being away from you. Try not to ask anything so serious and deep. Just ask how her day went.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573 |
Remark Paraphrasing:
Persistently, be interested and invest in her life without being a pest; don't make an issue out of it, if she doesn't feel safe or want you to. Seek interdependence, not IB.
Follow POJA, on everything, diligently keep IB out of my life.
If I do go walking the dog or anything with her, be pleasant. Talk about her day, about the things we see on the walk, etc.
For now, don't go 'mining her heart' like the Bible says a man is to do, (to know her intimately).
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573 |
Remark's rewrite:
NED,
Yes, agreed. We've been taking him to counseling because we know of that impact on him.
And, in a way, our son's sort of been part of my IB. That is, he and I still went to church and my son came and watched me and his sisters play softball until I stopped both of those IB's last Fall. Now, I just drop him off at church because he really likes his youth group, and I return home and then pick him up, and as for softball, I've retired from the softball.
Thanks,
Remark
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
For now, don't go 'mining her heart' like the Bible says a man is to do, (to know her intimately). I don't know anywhere where the Bible says to mine your wife's heart, but I'm pretty sure it says to not drive her nuts and to treat her well. She does not want to talk about big things with you because she does not feel intimate with you. It's that simple.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Remark, did you listen to today's radio program? I believe it was a repeat.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
223
guests, and
82
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Children
by BrainHurts - 10/19/24 03:02 PM
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,615
Posts2,323,460
Members71,895
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
