Go join her and ask her how her day went.

Hey Remark...

Howd you get your wife to marry you? Was conversation a need then?

I agree with Markos that you should text her daily (not hourly!) Be consistent. Personally, I like texts from my hubby that show me that he is thinking of me. However, I don't like when he asked me how was your day what's going on etc because it can feel like 20 questions like I'm being put on the spot. I prefer thoughtful comments that are related to my schedule showing that he has actually considered my schedule and challenges, and if he asks, then it should be related to something concrete like a test at school or an appt. If you just say How are you to someone in withdrawal, you need to relate it or it could come off as insincere or checking a box. Having said that, if you did it every day for a month, you would by then have proven your consistency and might get an answer.

So, here's a thought...

Send a text every day midmorning.

1. Thanks for...(something she has done which positively impacts you.)
2. I was thinking about us...(something positive)
3. I hope that...(some type of wishing her well, related personally to HER day.)

Example:
Hi sweetie-
Thanks for trimming the bushes yesterday. They look great! Next time it would be fun to trim with you or even help with the cleanup. How would you feel about walking the dog together tonight? I hope your boss sees the hard work you put into that report. Thinking about you...

You could also break it up into 2 texts throughout the day.

To be clear-

I'm not disagreeing with Marcos about asking about her day, I'm just suggesting that you show sincerity by personalizing it.

This is a very good idea. Include admiration like this in your conversation. Tell her she did a great job, be specific about things you like that she has done and is doing.

It will have no discernible effect at first, but it will still make love bank deposits.

Be prepared for her reaction to any admiration or conversation to be negative. She's in withdrawal and doesn't want you to meet those emotional needs for her. I used to get very disrespectful and angry when markos would tell me "thank you for ..." or "I love that you did ..." I hated compliments from him because I hated that he was making love bank deposits and not playing the part of the monster that I'd pegged him as.

So don't expect her to respond well to anything you say to her. But it will make an impact in her lovebank, whether she likes it or not.

Markups and DidntQuit,
Great idea. That is my natural tendency, ( to text, call. Or email several times per day. But she has expressed I not do that the past few years.

I did send her a text an hour or so ago asking if she'd consider me walking the dog with her. Last night, she preferred not. I think she was still upset for rushing to our son's counseling appt that she thought I had said was last night, but it is tonight. We talked a little and she admitted that I had really not done anything wrong but everything related to me ends up as negative impact on her.

No response from her yet.
Thanks, Remark

Yes! Pay close attention to this. It is exactly what will happen.

And when she finally does start to care, she will "come out swinging," in Dr. Harley's words. Watch out, and don't retaliate or argue with her!

Remark, I would do it anyway, but make it pleasant and safe for her. Include the four friends of good conversation, exclude the four enemies of good conversation, and include admiration.

Pleasant and safe.

If she is annoyed, back off and try again later. Be nice and persistent.

It doesn't have to be romantic - tell her what you're doing; invite her into your life. She will decline the invitation for a long time, but keep inviting.

Go with your natural tendency here. Text, call and email frequently. Like markos said, it doesn't have to be "romantic."

You see something cool at the store, text her and tell her.
A friend tells you a funny joke, text her and tell her.
The kids did something cute while she was away, text her and tell her.

Invite her into your life. These are the things markos used to text me all the time. I would often roll my eyes and slam the phone shut. Or I'd delete his emails. Or I'd tear up his notes and throw them away. But the constant stream of little invitations eventually wore me down.

Yep. Exactly. What Prisca and Marcos said. She will test you to make sure that you are sincere.

Also, it's okay to keep inviting but don't be a pest. If all you say is Can we do this and Can we do that, with no other connection, she may feel like you don't really want to get to know her, and that you're disrespecting her feelings. Invitations and being with you probably won't be a deposit for a while, but it is still important to create opportunities for UA, and invite her . It would be a huge mistake not to make emotional need deposits, because she would have no motivation to accept your UA invites. So, make deposits in the forms of intimate conversation texts, tokens of affection like cards, notes and gifts, compliments, and lightening her burdens in any way possible.

Understood. Will do.

Thanks for all your support.

Thanks, Remark

Remark,

What did you do or say today that your wife felt was disdainful?

Nothing.

I asked if I could walk the dog with her, in a text and then hours later again verbally, since she hadn't responded to the text.

Thanks, Remark

FC things you do for your son are important too. He's going to need more attention during this transition, and he has probably been affected by your IB and your wife's frustration too.

NED,

Yes, agreed. We've been taking him to counseling because we know of that impact on him.

But, what is 'FC'?

And, our son's been part of my IB. That is, while his mom has stopped going to church, he and I went. While my wife doesn't care for sports, my son came and watched me and his sisters play softball until I stopped both of those IB's last Fall. Now, I just drop him off at church, return home and then pick him up.

Thanks,
Remark

No, Remark.

This is not correct.

She feels that you are disdainful towards her.

You MUST figure out what you are doing that she feels is disdainful, if you want to keep your marriage.

So don't be like my kids and say "I didn't do it." You did do it. You've got to figure out what it is, and stop it.

What did you do that she feels is disdainful?

Here you are making your wife out to be the sourpus. You may think that you are stating facts, but this sounds like a dig about your wife. Marcos asked you to stop bringing her in.

How would you feel about rewriting this in a way that does not point to your wife as the bad guy?

Clue: EN

This is not just a matter of doing some things on a list. You have got to engage in some thinking and problem solving. Your wife will probably not tell you what it is you are doing or saying that she finds disdainful, so you have got to figure it out.