My husband and I had a horrible marriage that lasted 10 years before I called it quits! I filed for divorce and I was sure about my decision. After finalizing the divorce my ex continued to try to get me to reconcile for 8 long years. Without seeing any change, I continue to grow as a single mother and made many sacrifices to better my single situation. Last year 2014 I landed a job in another state. Before making the move my ex and I went down to the court to take care of some child support orders. At this point our relationship was in a much better place. We even rode together in the same car without an argument. Maybe it's because he finally moved on and got a girlfriend? Before we left the court we found out that we are in fact still married and the divorce was thrown out because some paperwork wasn't submitted on time. I've never stopped loving him but the relationship just couldn't grow and I was no longer capable of being in love with him. We were both shocked, however I relocated and he continued his relationship. Now in my new state for 8 months, My ex and I have really become friends and he stills tells me he loves me often. After careful consideration and much prayer, I decided to discuss reconciliation with him. Well I chose to send him a link to a restoration prayer and his girlfriend got the text! She pretended to be him asking questions to determine if he had been expressing some feelings toward me. Well I never got an honest response because things had gone 0-100 with the girlfriend. I am absolutely standing to reconcile with my husband. He is now sneaking to communicate with me and has not been truthful to her about his feelings for me, however he truly cares for her as well and doesn't want to hurt either of us. Because I'm in another state and she's right there he is really confused and admits that she has some real insecurities. Is their hope?

Welcome to MB, Merriewether.

It's a bad sign that he is dithering about simply telling his girlfriend the truth, and putting your relationship out in the open. Why has he made this so complicated? Why doesn't he just break up with her?

He won't break things off with her because he has feelings for her. I am guilty of consistently rejecting him! I believe he really wants me, but maybe he feels that it would be taking a risk with me again and if things don't work he loses someone he may potentially have a future with. I just think it's worth trying since we are still married. I actually feel bad that he finally moved on then here I come back.

Force him to choose, without being nasty about it. Break it off with him until and unless he breaks it off with her. If he does that, and asks to have you back, that's fine. If he won't break it off with her, don't set yourself up for a troubled relationship. Why would you settle for less than perfect? Haven't you been through all that before?

I think it's pretty obvious he likes you as a side dish in an uncomplicated relationship. He didn't fight the divorce, or will commit to you now.

Dr H says you should have no contact with former lovers because these resurgent feelings are so common.

Does the relationship make any more sense thanks when you happily divorced? It sounds like it makes less.

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However, your H sounds like a wimp. Why would you want a man who can't even open his mouth and hides you like a mistress? That would already be a giant turn off and for most women. If he is still the same guy he was 8 yrs ago, a paperwork error should not be the deciding factor to reconcile. Not having an argument during a car ride is not a good gauge to use.

The last thing I'm willing to do is to force him to make a decision. I'm a pretty level headed person and no way can you force anything on anybody. I knew he had the girlfriend when I opened up about my feelings. I never expected him to just dump her and come on home. Again I live in another state and am only hoping that the opportunity to work things out will eventually come. I do love him but I have not put my life on hold because he has to the ultimate decision not me. I was only using the pleasant car ride as a brief description of how intense things used to be. Only God can fix this and my prayers are up! Just wanted various views n the situation!

Would you describe this as low expectations or a high one?

I'd encourage you to listen to MB radio daily as you make this decision.

One thing Dr H advises over and over again is for women to not chase men. Open up to one, sure. Reveal your feelings - OK. Invite him to lunch, absolutely. But drop it after your initial signalling if he's not actively 100 pc pursuing you.

It's not wrong for women to know what or who they want - but men are wired to love more than one person at once. A woman will cling to one more and more as feelings grow. Not men, not unless he has outstandingly high level feelings for her - and she has high expectations of him.

Right now he has a situation very difficult for the average man to walk away from - two women competing for him. Most men would enjoy that and will not choose unless he has a strong desire to commit.

Which he doesn't do.

MB says never force. Just drop it and walk away.