I am confused and I do not know where to start. I know i have done things wrong as far as trying to heal our relationship. I would like to give some background information.


My husband was i the military for most of or relationship.
we have only been married for 3 years. He has been having emotional affairs almost the whole time. Mostly during deployments so i did not catch on. He also bragged to friends about having mistresses so i believe he did have some physical affairs. I have confronted him and i thought at time we were working on our relationship. (mistake 1) also we have went to at least 3 counselors.


Before my husband and i got married we were together and had our first child. He proposed and then said he needed time to think about it. In between that time he had a friend we will call her "Rachel" he told me she was just a friend and he wanted to work on our relationship. fast forward we get back together and all seems good we get married. In casual conversation my husband reveal him and "rachel" were in a relationship while he was overseas. She was military also he claims she cheated on him and they broke up.

During our relationship my husband would be jealous of my guy friends for saying thing like (hello, how is your family, or whats new in life) so i stopped talking to all my guy friends. My husband says he will delete facebook and i should delete mine. About a month later i found out he reactivated his facebook and was talking to some females. He would say things like i miss you. He would tell me it was them trying to talk to him and he didn't want to hurt their feelings. He would never call them on being inappropriate. That along with his constant gaming (he worked 12-14 hour shifts) i felt our relationship was doing bad. I begged for counseling or to talk it out. He refused counseling so they wouldn't tell us maybe we need time apart.

So I notice my husband would never answer texts or calls around me but i would find him snooping in my phone when i would leave the room .although i freely gave him the password. I saw he had been recieving text from "R" and i told him if she cheated on him and he hated her why were they talking. I asked him to stop several times and he would for short periods but if his ship left they would start talking again. So i asked him if she w more important than out relationship and he said no and it would stop. Some time passed the red flags i saw seemed to be gone. I caught them talking again through an app this time. I was suspicious because he never used it with me and her contact was the only one that popped up in it. I had had enough i made him call her and explain that he would end their friendship. Well he left for a month and out us in debt while his ship was in another state.(this caused problems for me and the kids and tension.) They were talking again.

At this point i told him i could trust him and that i felt depressed ( i was pregnant). He went on deployment so our issues were unresolved but i tried to forgive him and tell him what i needed. He seemed to put in the effort. WEll he came back from deployment and we were out all day celebrating. At 2 am that night he gets a text from one of the other females i asked him not to speak with. My gut told me there was more to this i could no longer sleep. I felt ill. I asked him for his facebook password and i found he was still talking to "rachael" on deployment while he would tell me he couldnt reply to me because he was working.

He told "R" that he wished he never married me and he was upset she married and was starting a family. I told him the things he said were hurtful and i needed him to leave for a while. (he refused and he also refused to let me talk about it because it was in the past) ever since then i have been resentful and trying to get out of this relationship. All he does is continue to lie play the victim. He told out friends and family that i wanted to leave but he loved me so much he would do anything to help. I have no emotional support and i look like the bad guy. Also he throws in my face that i was talking to a guy friend strictly friends at the time. we had dates years before i married my husband but we decided to be friends. Everytime i find evidence of his wrong doing or lying he brings it up.

Also now i believe he is having an affair with a man he works with!. the man is gay and he has come out at work but none of this mans family is aware he is gay. He is supposedly married to a man. He texts my husband all time of day and gets mad if he doesnt reply. My husband will not text him in my presence. I have proof they text all day and sometimes even calls. /he confessed to me he was "joking" with another gay man at work about kissing him. I told him straight men dont do these thibgs. He lashed out with anger. My husband wants me to peg him and i think he wants to be physical with this man. He secretly texts him and put his phone number under a different name now.

I have been diagnosed with depression, he got kicked out of the military and we live with relatives. I need help. I need to know im not crazy.

no advice? kind of discouraging. I am going to give it sometime.

Sorry you are here but welcome.

It sounds like your H is a serial cheat vs an oops I let this person meet my ENs and don't know I got myself into this mess type of affair. That means he is addicted to affairs (getting ENs met outside of marriage) and it will be extremely important to create a lifestye in which a SSL (secret second life) and affairs are impossible to have.

The first step is exposure.
Have you read this: Exposure 101

Welcome to MB, CR, and I'm sorry to hear of the events in your short marriage.

You've only been married for 3 years and he has been promiscuous throughout that time, including, now, having sex with a man.

I don't think your marriage stands a chance. I don't think he has any intention of being faithful to you for life, and never had.

You need to expose this affair to the relatives that you are living with and to other close relatives of his and yours, and then tell your husband to leave the house. Get yourself tested for STDs, see a lawyer about getting financial support for your children, and have nothing more to do with him. You need to expose on OWs (plural) sides, too.

There is an alternative path to dealing with a promiscuous cheater, and that involves keeping him handcuffed to your side for the rest of your life. He would never be able to take a job outside the home, unless you could somehow work together, and all your work time and leisure time would need to be spent together. Your husband would have no access to any electronic devices, unsupervised.

If you want to take that route and try and save your marriage, you still need to expose the affair and get STD tested, and you need to get your husband's agreement to that kind of lifestyle. How would he earn money under those conditions?

How old are your children?

Was his cheating any reason why he was kicked out of the military?

LTL

My children from our marriage are 5,2 , and 6 months and i have a child from a previous relationship who is 6.

I have proof from his emotional affair with "R" i have partially exposed. i need proof of the work affair with the man because i don't think anyone would believe it.
I just feel angry and i feel like he just doesn't want me to move on. I am be guilt tripped by him and he plays the victim. I have asked to separate or discuss this and he refuses. I am mourning the life i envisioned. We are both fairly young earlys 20's. We have been in debt, almost homeless after he got kicked out of the military. That to me is for better or worse. These emotional affairs to me are sick. My children know something is wrong.


Also neither of us have degrees i was supposed to go back to school but i care for the kids.

he told me one of his friend/coworker was trying to barter sex and it put his unit under review and people said he was dong the same. I won't really ever know the truth but he had a pattern of misconduct was the official reason.

This is proof:

"He texts my husband all time of day and gets mad if he doesnt reply. My husband will not text him in my presence. I have proof they text all day and sometimes even calls. /he confessed to me he was "joking" with another gay man at work about kissing him. "

You said you have proof that they text all day. Have you read the text messages? Did you save them?

What does "partially expose" (the affair with R) mean? To whom did you expose?

The thing is that even without any real proof of the affair with the man at work, you have enough evidence to expose his generally promiscuous, life-threateningly adulterous behaviour, and you have more than enough evidence to make a decision that you will leave him. I don't believe you need proof of his affair with the man to make that judgement call. Your marriage has been riddled with adultery from the word go, and your husband was never a fit person with whom to enter into a marriage.

Your life seems to have been a bit of a mess since you entered adulthood. You appear to have had a baby without being married, in your teens, and then you lived with this man and had another child, before marrying him. And, since he has been promiscuous these three years, the chances are that he was doing the same long before that. He has never been faithful to you.

To add to that, you are broke and virtually homeless, you don't have a decent education and you are in your early 20s with 4 kids.

You need to turn your life around, get an education, and dump your loser husband. He's not marriage material. You need to tell him to leave, or get your relatives to do so - it is their house, after all.

Have you been STD tested recently?

i have read them they talked in code. i could no save them. My only proof is the texting on a phone bill.

for example he would say we both have a fish but your fish needs to be kept in a tank. Sometimes my fish can come out or we can't talk about fish right now. they talk like that and i know it wasn't literal. There were talks of secrets.

My husband told my family this guy hypothetically asked what he would do if he liked him.his friends and family would need more proof and so would this closeted mans family/friends.

I told my mother and i told his family he was talking to other females just not the extent. I didn't tell her husband, my husband said he knew her husband. we couldn't afford any military penalties against my husband. it was a year ago now.

You know, the military, it is its own world. It's own language and it's a world that you're not really a part of. They talk about stuff other people don't understand and they bond with people who are in that world.

They have their own night clubs, stores and it's a tough ride for a civilian. It's easy for me to say but, he's up to no good, and you're always going to feel like an outsider in a way that a normal spouses profession wont make you feel.

Might be time to move on . . . .

Sissysunbeam, her husband is no longer in the military. Also, you have no clue about the military life and what spouses are and aren't entitled to access.

Yes. You are spot on I have lost my path in life. I don't' have any mental or emotional support. I have lost my confidence. I just feel like my husband is a tumor I need to get rid of he is bringing me down with him. I started my path towards a medical career maybe I can continue but I don't have any plans for the immediate future. I haven't gotten any job call backs which sucks. Even from McDonalds

Anyone out there?

Did you have a question?

CR, I would suggest that you need to begin taking action. If you will read through your thread again several people have made several great suggestions for you. I would suggest that you read through this thread carefully, make yourself a written todo list of each suggestion, and then start working through each item on the list.

You have got to take action or the problems will just continue and get worse.

In addition to the suggestions that I have been made, I would encourage you to start listening to the Marriage Builders Radio show, daily. It will show you a new way of life that will be much better for you and your children.

Why don't you update us?

The only advice I read was exposure and that was not clear to being as my H and the OW have no contact and it was 2 years ago.
Secondly I have no support in desperation or divorce and being he is out of the military he makes peanuts. My family will not help me with childcare to improve my life and contest me going to a shelter. I am talking ANti-d I have more energy and I am less sad.

I have seen a lawyer and we have no assests to really divide.

Yes, exposure is to be done for affairs that "Seem" to have been done for a long time.

Also, have you exposed his gay relationship yet?

LTL

No because I need to be 100% before I go sounding an alarm my husband is gay. If that for some reason is not the case it would be slander. I have actual messages from the EA with the woman. Also I didn't see any exposure letters for not saving the Marriage.

The advice above said the only real chance of a relationship is basically is becoming joined at the hip.