My wife and I have been together for almost five years and married for almost a year and a half. We started out decently enough. We met at work, though we worked in different departments. After almost a year of dating I moved in with her. She got a new job and worked closer to home, while I commuted to work every day. At the time my job kept me busy late in the evenings and was an extremely stressful job. After getting to know her family, her father helped me get a new job but it required me being away from home for three weeks at a time. In the start it was a great opportunity and I took it in stride even though it was vastly different from what I had done in the past. Along with the job, came the means for her to eventually quit her job. We got married and ended up moving to a new house. During this time however, we had our downs. We argued and it progressively got worse. I let my anger get the best of me on more than one occasion and I became an abusive person that I regret. There isn't a day that I don't regret slapping her the times that I did. I try every day to control myself and try to keep an even cool. But it is sometime really difficult.

There have also been instances where my wife doesn't trust me. I had a friendship that was very dear to me. Some wrong words were said during when we were dating about the friendship and it drove a wedge into our relationship. Rather than try and work things out I simply cut off the friendship. I don't regret doing that, because I love my wife. However, this instance is used quite often against me in arguments about the nature of the friendship and the words that were used. I would like to think that after 4 years that we have moved on from this as we have discussed and argued about it at great lengths. I never had physical relations with the friend, nor was that ever a thought. She was a very dear friend along with her husband. I do miss the friendship, but I made a choice to be with my now wife.

The newest problems are reasons why I find it hard to trust my wife. Shortly after we were married we went to a bar to have a good time. She had a lot to drink and I ended up carrying her home and taking care of her. While trying to help her take a shower she revealed to me that she had slept with a friend of ours one night after we had an argument. Granted this event happened almost three years before, but it took me for a shock and don't think I've ever recovered from the news. Sadly, I have used this against her in arguments.

Recently my wife has taken up playing pool in tournaments. Naturally I am worried about her safety as relating to the type of establishment she goes to, the distance she drives late at night, and whether or not she has been drinking. I made it clear that I would rather her sleep off the alcohol in the truck than drive home. This was fine until one night when I hadn't heard from her and tracked her phone to the house of the person she cheated on me with. I didn't take this very well and was emensely hurt. We agreed it wouldn't happen again. However, she has started playing pool more often and leaving every night, often not coming home until morning. We only have one vehicle so it makes it difficult if there are things that I need to accomplish and have brought this up, but it seems to fall on deaf ears. I have even offered to go with her to the bar and meet her friends that she talks about, but refuses to allow me to go. She pushes me away constantly when I ask to meet her friends. I have asked her flat out if she is having an affair and tells me she isn't.

In the last 7 months our arguments have been getting worse. Instead of taking an angered stance I now take a more subdued stance and end up ignoring her anger or walking out of the house to reduce the tension. This is seen poorly by her and a constant source of complaint. In January she told me that she was going to leave me. I took this news very poorly and admit that I currently have depression issues. However, my wife does say that we can work on this marriage and make it right again, but only lists out areas where I am in the wrong or need to improve, or any other list of things that I am lacking in. I am unable to list out the areas where I see problems as, according to her, the problems in this marriage all point to me. I try to explain how my feelings are hurt by her actions and the response I get is that she wouldn't be doing those things if I fixed my problems first.

I know I have my problem and I know I should seek out professional help. I have even spoken to her about going to a marriage counselor, but when I ask her if she has found one her response is that I am the one with the problems and I should find the counselor. My suggested counselors do not meet her standards therefore we haven't been able to come to an agreement of where to go. It is really difficult to try and come to an agreement about anything at this point and she constantly says she is going to leave me and file for divorce.

I don't know what else to do. This last time before I went to work we made an agreement that we would set aside days for dates. I was to pick two days a week and she would pick one. I have been home for over a week and we have yet to go on a single date. I have brought this up, but she tells me she doesn't want to be around me. I know my problems have not helped this marriage, but at what point have I given enough or tried enough. I sit at home every day I'm home waiting to be with her. I go to bed every night either waiting for her to come home, or if she is home, trying not to touch her because she doesn't want my affection. I feel like I am nothing more than a paycheck for her any more. Sex no longer exists between us. Physical contact doesn't exist. I love her very much and am willing to do anything to try and save our marriage, but I don't feel that the feelings are reciprocated. We can't talk now without arguing. And the words we do say are so hateful that I die inside every time I open my mouth. I have even tried reaching out to her mother for guidance, but that was met by hostility from my wife. I don't know where else to turn at this point. I'm afraid that a lawyer is the only avenue I have left.

MAJL,

You are dealing with a full blown affair, please have the moderators move this thread to SAA.

Gamma

I have asked her point blank if she is having an affair. I have even stated the signs are there indicating that she is. My wife says she is not having an affair, agrees the signs are there, but has not done it yet because she doesn't want it done to her.

This evening I attempted to speak with her about our marriage and was informed that right now our marriage is not a priority as there are other things going on in her life that are more important. And I do agree that being in her friends wedding is an important thing so I will not argue with that. Also that she has been trying to make our marriage an importance for the last year but it has been me that has not given it the time it needs. While I agree that I did not do enough towards improving our marriage or solving our problems, it felt like a kick in the gut to have her say that our marriage is not important to her.

You are away weeks at a time.
You beat her.
She drinks and goes to bars.
She is having an affair.

If you have no children, get a divorce and go to anger management. Do better next time.

Oh, and just so you know, you are minimizing your behaviour.
Man don't "slap". A woman slaps a man, who tries to kiss her.
You know full well that you have the potential to kill her with your bare hands if you want too. And she knows that as well.

If you want to use that fact as leverage in discussions because you cannot "control" yourself, don't expect a good relationship.
You do seem to be able to "control" yourself with people outside of your marriage, or you wouldn't have a job.
You can also "control" yourself in public, because you don't want to be judged.
The only moment you "lose control" is when you can get away with it.

Sounds pretty controlled to me.

You will have to take a hard look at yourself to improve before you think about having any relationship with any woman.
It is in your best interest to start anger management yesterday.
you can start here:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2603602