Hello,

I am a 44 year old woman married 19 years to what all would think is the perfect guy. This could be a long post. I am in very deep withdrawal. There has been dishonestly and disrespect from the beginning, with denial and minamizing and passive aggressive behavior on the part of my H. I have been the one crying, screaming etc... We have 2 beautiful daughters.

About 4 months ago I made it clear to my husband that I was married to him because of the kids and our partnership and that if he ever tried to get away with hurting me with his words or belittling me or just being a person that was not treating me well that I was truly going to leave him. No more exhaustive arguments where I am left devastated and crazy feeling. (I have done a lot of reading and I guess he is passive aggressive)

I had been seeing a therapist recently who really helped me see that I can trust in myself and my feelings. I took my H there one time (the last session I had with him actually) and I think it scared the crap out of him that he might have to answer to someone else. It would not have been fun for him.

Anyhow, since that meeting with the therapist, where we touched minimally on my frustration with the pattern of communication with H that leaves me exhausted, my husband has been a different person. We have not been fighting, I have not felt angry..it is like I don't even recognize this man.

It has been 4 months misery free. There was one incident where we fought because I told him that he should not give our daughter advice to "kill her cousin and beat him up" when he becomes annoying. He did initially balk at this advise (seriously) but later apologized when she indeed did try to beat up her cousin and got completely out of control. This is an example of how I need to point out obvious things to him and he is "confused" and very stubborn that I make too big a deal of things.

So, he has been behaving very well and this morning I woke to a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a touching card, that had absolutely NO EFFECT on me except a blank dull sense of dread that it is too late. We have been enjoying so many nive times together...watching the kids sporting events, day trips, planting in the garden. What is my probelm?

I dont trust that this will last and I have a thick wall up. I guess I am really just venting.


Here is the truth, If we had ever gone to pre-marriage counseling when we were just dating I would have told how he lied to me, how he made up weird lies, (his age, his dads profession) and I would have been advised that as a young woman who was currently considering quitting college and becoming a stripper(yes, I did that, don't judge:) to go marry my partner who was attending medical school,(he was a good catch right!!!) that maybe I was not prepared for marriage. I needed to get my life straight first.

Anyhow, it has not been all bad of course, just very lopsided. I am so confident in myself now and really I pity him mostly.

what to do???

Welcome to MB! It is totally understandable that it's been 4 misery free months now and you're not trusting the changes yet, but continuing to pay attention. If your DH's changes stick, your feelings will follow. Part of how you know his changes are for real is that they continue without demands on you to be ready at a certain time.

Maybe you're asking these questions of yourself now because you are getting ready to enjoy your new marriage but don't want to slip back into old behaviors. There are some really good tools here, thoughtful requests, respectful persuasion, negotiation, that will help both of you get your needs met in your marriage without ever having to go back to those old patterns that ate at your love.

I'm sorry you didn't get the start to the marriage you wanted, but I hope you two can make a beautiful marriage together now. Like that song, "You went and saved the best for last."

Hi mominvb, welcome to Marriage Builders. What you can do is work together to transform your marriage. Marriage Builders is completely different from other programs in that it has a step by step by plan to create romantic love in your marriage. If you and your husband will follow this program, it will transform your marriage and you will develop in love feelings for him.

I would start reading through the links here to get an idea of how this program works: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695386#Post2695386

The problem is that you fell out of love because of his destructive habits. Will he come here and talk to us? We can help him really change. This book ------> Love Busters: Overcoming The Habits That Destroy Romantic Love would help him tremendously.

Well it's still obvious that my husband has decided to make some changes in his relationship with me.

Maybe it's minor but a few annoying things have crept back....his flat out denying that he wears his shoes in the house coupled with his excuses for doing so. He does wear them in the house and claims he's "too busy coming in and out" to do better. I do the housekeeping around here and we have dark wood floors that I like to keep clean. It bugs me.

And he is soooooo predictable and boring. Ouch I know!!! Everyday: stock market crashed/ future looks bad. My elbow/back/ whatever hurts. Fox News. Talking about his running times-shoot me in the head. His diet, weighing himself, blah blah blah.

I just totally tune out while trying to pretend I am interested. It's not easy.

I need to start taking neighborhood walks in the evening so I'm not his sounding board anymore. Seriously it feels abusive how bored he makes me.

I know I sound like a total [censored], sorry.

If he wants to wear shoes to come in and out of the house and you do not want dirty floors then a solution that presents itself is that he takes over the floor cleaning. POJA this. My husband likes the kitchen pots to be scrubbed both inside and out every time they are used. Now he does the scrubbing and we are both delighted.

The solution here is to respectfully request the subject be changed to one you find more interesting. You might want to give him 30 seconds of 'complaint time' if he needs to let off steam. Then talk about something you both find interesting. POJA this too.

Once you are back in love with him, this will all be a lot easier but you still should complain, not sacrifice and POJA everything. It is amazing how much better the solutions are when you do that.

You came here in May with the same complaints, and posters took the time to post back to you. You disappeared and clearly are in the same predicament now, several months later. Are you planning to stay this time and learn what MB is all about? Are you interested in blogging about your complaints, or are you interested in finding a way to actually fix them?

Have you shown your husband the Basic Concepts?

Dr. Harley has a procedure to follow to eliminate annoying habits in the book Love Busters, and a procedure to follow to make conversation fun for you again that is on this site and also in the book His Needs Her Needs.

The first thing we need to know is how your husband reacts when this program is presented to him and if he is willing to do it. We can tell you what to do next if he says yes and what to do next if he says no.

His wearing his outdoor shoes in the house is an annoying habit, and the solution to those is to stop them. He needs to stop wearing his shoes in the house if he cares about his wife's feelings. Annoying habits are love busters, and he is killing his marriage with them.

mominvb, if your husband could be persuaded to use the MB programme, he would become interested in NOT love busting you with annoying habits and boring conversation. You need to focus on getting him interested in MB, rather than simply posting here to complain about him.

Did you bother to read my posts to you back in May? I don't really have time to post here anymore and took my own personal time to post to you but you didn't respond or even acknowledge them.

Thank you all for the helpful advice. I need to be honest with him about my feelings...let him know I have been looking at this site. I apologize for not responding to your thoughtful replys.

Thank you for your responses. I apologize for not thanking you earlier and will do better! For now, I have been seeing some changes and will just have to be more direct about my feelings with my husband... Always the best path really...

Thank you😊

Thank you for the response. He is trying. He's not perfect but neither am I . I just need to get over that he was a big jerk for a long time.

Thank you!

Good advice. Thank you!