She's going to be mad at you if you ask her and she's going to be mad at you if you don't ask her. Don't pay attention to that. She doesn't WANT you to make lovebank deposits, and she's going to find anything to bristle up over.

Joining her without asking was not a mistake.

However, telling her HOW to garden WAS. Don't tell her how to do what she enjoys doing. Your task is to BE with her, not do the gardening just right.

Thanks, Prisca.

Understood.

Happy Mother's Day, BTW.

Remark

I agree.

Remark- Remember that when you join her, you are the guest and she the hostess. SHE knows how she likes to garden, so, even if you think that you have a bright idea, she will have a different viewpoint. Don't assume that pumping up all of the tires would be a positive action. So how do you do it?

"I've pumped this one tire up. I am noticing that the rest could use air also. Would you like me to pump them up also?"

If she says not to, then assume that she has a good enough reason and let her know that if she changes her mind in the future, you are willing. Then move on to the next thing.

"I would like to help you with cleanup. Where can I start?" (Let her decide and then make sure to take her methods into consideration even if you wouldn't do it the same way.)

Think of the example of Dr. Harley and Joyce, with the glass on the counter. Joyce likes a clean counter, and Dr. Harley might not even notice a glass on the counter. But he respects that it bothers her to have a messy counter so he tries to remember not to put things on the counter. If he forgets and she reminds him, he moves it because he respects her. He knows his wife's preferences and he has made it a point to adjust to them.

eta: I reread your post about the tire, and you are correct to assume that if she said "1" tire, you should have focused on that first before offering anything else. But if hone the skill of listening to exactly what she says, and repeating it back to her, you will get it right.

Remark-

Here is another example of where you let YOUR feelings trump hers. You are saying that YOU don't think that you are concentrating on anything else. But in reality, you were thinking about the computer task when you were having a discussion with her. In HER mind, this was a discussion that had import to the future of your marriage. And by hitting even one key on the computer, you showed her that you were not giving the relationship 100% attention. From her vantage point, you were doing a task on the computer and fitting her in between processes.

Now we both know that you don't want to send that message to her. So it you are in the middle of something, then tell her that or warn her in advance instead of doing both and assuming that it will all work out with her. Ask her if she would like you to put your task off or talk after you finish your task.

I can tell you that I have felt the same way when my husband gets distracted. And EVERYONE can get distracted sometimes. But get into the habit of keeping your eyes on her and doing NOTHING else but maybe taking notes when you are talking with your wife. If you can't do this, then ask her if you can talk at a later point when you can give her your full attention. But make sure that you never put her off for something unimportant.

Thank you! My Mother's Days are so much better than they used to be. I hope that you got your wife a gift and taught your son how to plan for Mother's Day. If not, then it's not too late. Do it now. Don't wait until next year. Better late than never. (Sorry if you already posted about that and I don't remember it.)

Then you still have work to do...

DQ,

I'm always working on it and not quitting.

Remark

Remark,
So that's what I said, and then here's what you said about Mother's day...

DQ



So then, I said that there's still work to do. I noticed that you helped teach your son how to honor her on Mother's Day. That's great! I'm just curious, what specific action did YOU take to show her YOUR admiration and appreciation for her being a good mother to your children?

Recognizing your wife for Mother's Day is huge.

I personally thought it was a little weird that you were wishing all these strangers here a happy Mother's Day when you haven't got it worked out with your wife yet.

Exactly!! Remark-
Maybe you did get your wife something and just forgot to mention it.

If not, then Markos has a great point here. This would be an example of how your wife thinks that you are trying to look good to others, (by wishing all of us a Happy Mother's Day) but behind the scenes, you forget to give appropriate acknowledgement and care to the one who has REALLY invested in your children, benefitting you. Just think to yourself...

Is that the message that you want to send to your wife?

Is it because SAYING "Happy Mother's Day" takes little planning and buying a gift takes planning and thoughtfulness?

So I will reiterate that it is NOT too late to acknowledge your wife for Mother's Day. Better late than never. If you missed an opportunity here, then seize the moment and don't let YOUR wife be neglected by you when other mothers all around her are being honored.

DQ,

Perhaps I did drop the ball Mother's Day in more ways than one. Since I had botched it in the morning when I attempted to help her garden, and knowing she didn't/doesn't want to do anything with me, I worked with our son prompting him to plan and celebrate with her. He was going to take her out to dinner. Unfortunately, it suddenly stormed around 5:00 PM as she was still gardening and then she was too tired to go out. I was planning on taking us out for dinner, but wasn't taking it for granted that she'd allow me to go. (Every Saturday she and our son go to brunch with her parents, but I have not been invited in the past month or so. So, that played into my thinking as well.)

My other kids, her stepchildren, had delivered very nice flowers and candy for her on Saturday.

Thinking it inappropriate, I didn't do much more than that. I do think she is a great mother. So, please don't judge my thoughts on that based on that incident.

You are right in that what happened Sunday did NOT communicate my care and admiration for her as a mother. I will pursue with her to see if I dropped the ball and we can still celebrate some time.

Thanks,
Remark

Markos,

You're right. I think I should have done more than I did, even though I had messed up when I attempted to join her in her passion for gardening Sunday morning. That turned into an argument because I invited myself into that activity and should have asked her if I could join her. That pretty much set the tone for the rest of the day and I pretty much stayed inside while she gardened Sunday afternoon.

I'm pretty toxic to her right now.

Never-the-less, I will double back to her and see if she'll allow a 're-do' of Mother's Day.
Thanks,
Remark

Just buy her a present. Don't make a federal case out of getting her permission.

Thanks, Apples.
Will do.
Remark

Exactly! Of course she'll tell you not to bother.

You were letting events of the day distract you from the main point! Have you seen the movie Battleship? Remember the chicken burrito scene?

Don't let obstacles get in your way. Who on earth would want to be asked whether it's okay to receive a gift? Just go get something just for for her. Pedicure? Massage? Amazon gift card? Wrap it nice and attach a thoughtful card.

You have had all year to plan for Mother's day. If you do nothing, that is allowing the milk to be spilt. I don't want you to feel bad Remark, but did you realize that even cheating husbands sometimes buy their wives gifts?

Were you going to say oops and chalk this one up to another failure? You to CAN'T think that way if you want to care for your wife.

Yes, double back.

No, don't ask if "she'll allow" it. Remark- You need to find some common sense here between when to make a thoughtful request and when to just throw some care in her direction.

She is still your wife. Even if she weren't still your wife, you could show her appreciation and admiration for her job as a mother to your children. It is putting undue responsibility on her, for her to have to answer a question from you about whether or not you should do this. What is she supposed to say? Can you see how that could defeat the purpose of a gift and put more pressure on her to think for you?

Look for ways that you can send Mother's Day admiration and appreciation her way, and that she doesn't need to interact with you to receive it.

Make a day, week or whatever in her honor and do something each day. Did you know that there's a thread in the MB archives at the bottom of the forums, that has great ideas for special days?

Start planning now for your anniversary and her birthday.

DQ,

I understand. That is in my nature (to celebrate relatively large on b-day, Mother's Day, etc.) It has been a stretch for me all these years as my W isn't big on gifts, birthdays, etc. In part, that is due to her b-day being 2 weeks prior to Christmas. In fact, for years, I have felt like I am dishonoring her if I were to buy gift(s) when she has expressed not to and she ends up feeling, once again, like I overrode her desires with my own.

I didn't know about that special thread. I'll pursue it.

Thanks!
Remark

It is possible that a large gift seems like an attempt to buy off her affection when what she wanted most is thoughtfulness from you. Try many small tokens that offer proof you are actually hearing and seeing her and are going to start respecting her perspective. She may not be talking much now, but surely you have been married long enough that with some time thinking about her desires- think about her own words, not the "large" things you think she ought to have or want- with some time you can remember a list of small golden desires you ignored back then.

A bouquet of her favorite flower. A potted plant or tree she has said she would like. Hire someone to fix something around the house that bothers her. A gift card to her favorite store.

Now there is likely to be pain in her heart when she sees you stepping up. The contrast of thoughtful behavior versus your past self centered behavior will sting. But keep at it and prove you can listen and care for her perspective as much as you do your own.
So don't present the flowers in person. Leave them for her to find on her own or have them delivered when you are not home. Let her process the vulnerability of receiving without you expecting an immediate response. Plenty of withdrawn wives have even thrown flowers or gift cards away or not said a word. But it will add up. Be consistent and thoughtful without being in her face about it.

When it is an idea of something that can't be thrown out or ignored if you got her perspective wrong, ask her. Example.... ask how she feels about hiring so and so to fix xXxX. Make it easier by having considered her perspective without her having to spell it out again before you mention it, but don't assume that your initial memory of her past statements takes away her right to have a perspective you didn't consider yet. She might not appreciate any of it at first because of the hole you are in and refuse to tell you how she feels. Come back later and say... I'd love to do something for you. How do you feel about having xXxX done? And do you have someone in mind you would like to hire for the job? Is there something else you would like done?

Not every day, but maybe once a week, week in and week out bring up a chance for her to tell you her perspective where you can prove that you are now going to really listen and respect her.

That is pretty disrespectful.